Last week, I mismanaged our grocery budget. We get $150 per week, but we had eaten out and splurged on some things so by Sunday evening, we only had a couple of bucks left. We hadn't gone shopping for the week and I didn't know what we were going to do. I hadn't talked to Dan about it yet, so I really had only been worrying on it myself. I was also stressing about our internet. We have been on Lifeline internet since we had been on food stamps a couple years back. We were paying $0.64 a month since Midco took over the internet service last summer. We got a letter that starting in May, we were going to need to reapply for the Lifeline. Well, since we both have better jobs now, I knew we were no longer eligible and I didn't know how much it would cost us to start paying for the service we were receiving, but our budget doesn't have a lot of wiggle room right now. We have $90 in savings and are lucky to put an extra $25 in a month. My mind was not in a great place.

Livi and I have a routine that we started a couple of months ago where we read a devotion every night and then say our prayers and chat a little before bed. That night, I was struggling to stay focused and positive about things. When we were saying our nightly prayers my mind wandered to my stresses. By the time Livi was ready to tell me good night, I was blinking back tears. So, even though she was laying beside me on the bed and couldn't see my face, my voice gave me away. 

When she asked what was wrong, I wanted to tell her that I was fine, but I didn't want to lie to her. I didn't want to tell her that because I couldn't say no when I should have, we were out of food money. I didn't want to show her that I had messed up and make her feel insecure. I was ashamed of our food shortage because I was the one who said, "Let's go to Slim Chicken's for dinner," because it's easy and close. My depression was telling me what a miserable mom I was and I didn't want her to see that. But I try not to lie to my kids. Even when I don't like the truth. 

I shouldered my courage and got ready for her to see the raw truth about her momma. I should have realized that my depression was skewing my vision and that Livi's eyes see the world through a whole lot brighter lens.

Livi listened intently while I told her what was going on. Then told me it was ok. She said she was creative and would come up with food ideas from what we had. She asked if I trusted her to figure stuff out and she told me to wait while she headed to the kitchen. She came back in a few minutes later. She was excited that she had things all figured out. 

She told me that we have macaroni and cheese. Enough that we could eat it every night that week. And she could eat lunch at school. We had eggs for breakfast for Dad and I. We had tortillas in the fridge that I could take to work with peanut butter for lunch and we would buy a bag of burritos for Dad to take to work. 

She then asked if Daddy knew we were so broke yet. When I told her I hadn't talked to him yet, she headed to the living room. She told him that we were going to be eating macaroni and he would have burritos because we were out of money. She came back and told me that he was neutral and just said, "OK."

She proceeded to explain to me how we use the internet to play games and watch TV and that's our main form of entertainment, but we don't NEED it. We could live without it if we needed to. She said, "but I don't think that will happen because I know you'll figure it out, Mom. You always figure it out." 

Thank you, Jesus, for the blessing of my Olivia. For her joy in life and her unwavering nature. Thank you for letting me learn from her. Help me to learn to have as much faith in you as she has in me. Amen.

Beginnings

Last Sunday, the new show, Fear the Walking Dead, started. Since we don't do cable, Dan and Livi went to visit some friends to watch the show. I stayed home. My anxiety started kicking in when we were watching The Walking Dead before, so I have to abstain. I was pretty excited though, about a nice quiet Sunday evening to myself. I read some, I painted some, I did some word puzzles, etc. This weekend, I'm feeling a bit more reflective so I decided it was time to write something.

As many of you know, Dan and I quit our jobs at the school bus lot and start new jobs tomorrow at an in-bound call center here in town. We've both worked there before, and enjoyed it, so we are eager for the change and especially the financial boost this will give our family. We are also starting up our new weekly schedule back to the gym three times a week and Dan's World of Warcraft nights. Livi has homework in third grade which adds a new dimension to the fun of cramming things into our evening. We went from t-shirt and jeans jobs to a business casual atmosphere. Dan only owns three polo shirts and I have scrounged enough things together to have five days of outfits. And we're switching from getting our last part time, weekly pay check this Friday to waiting almost a month for the full time checks to kick in. Just getting back to work from summer break, September rent won't be paid until our first full check, which will hopefully be before October rent is due. There are some changes and some stressors in my near future.

All of these changes and stressors are daunting. I don't want this good change to trigger a relapse in my depression. It scares me. The fear of the cycle of depression, that I know will be back around at some point, almost scares me into paralysis. I certainly don't need to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As I was pondering this, and checking facebook, I ran across a quote a friend shared.

"The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality." -Andrew Solomon

This was followed up by a short essay by Elizabeth Gilbert who likened depression to a stagnate state where as vitality is movement and change. That's exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I may be scared stiff of my depression. If you've even been in the blackness, you know what I mean that the fear of darkness taints your light. If I've just confused you, I pray you never need to understand. But what I've taken from this is to just do something. The best thing I can do to keep fighting my depression and not let fear sabotage these new beginnings, is to just keep going. Keep moving. Walk in faith that all this is for our good and taking us to a better place. I can't make the fear go away, but I can keep moving in spite of it. Today I can. There may come a day when I can't, but today I can. Today I will. Today I am blessed and I will milk my blessings for all they are worth!

Chicken

Yep, I'm a big chicken. I haven't posted anything lately because I didn't want to share with everyone that we have done terribly. July was a bad month for both our dieting and going to the gym.  We fell off the wagon pretty hard and now Dan and I both have to quit drinking soda again.  *sigh* I finally decided to share, because everybody else struggles, too.  Right?

But, on to better things.  We started back at the gym last week and we're eating at home, if not exactly what is best for us. We will be stricter on the diet once we are working again and there is some income coming in.

I have been in a remission, of sorts, from my depression this past week.  I don't know what happened, but the anxiety has quieted and I'm happy. I'll take it, but it worries me. I'm trying to enjoy the good and take advantage of the benefits of extra energy and motivation without worrying too much about how bad it will suck when this cycle is over again.

I have been wanting to paint. I haven't painted in years and for a creative person, that's just dumb. I haven't been writing, either. I even bought paint and I have a couple tiny canvas boards I can work on but I haven't started yet. This is proof that the anxiety is still present and I'm still being a chicken. I'm afraid to start a project for fear of messing it up. How can I mess up what I haven't started, you ask? Good question. I don't know but that's where my head is. I have lots of excuses to not paint, but no real reason. I'll let you know when I get something started. I'm hoping for tomorrow. Tonight we have the gym and I'm thinking up ideas but tomorrow is open.

I did, however, design myself some new stationery since my sis started a snail mail campaign. I've been writing her and I'm going to write my big sister too. Not sure if my other sis or the sis-in-law want in or not, but if anyone reading this wants in on it, let me know and I'll put you on my list. It felt nice to design something even if it wasn't a major project. Just one of those things I need to be doing to take care of me that I have not been doing.

Also on the topic of taking care of me, I'm going to a Red Tent meeting this week. Not sure what that will be like, but it sounds refreshing and empowering. I'll share more next week once I know how it goes. The same time my remission hit, several people contacted me for social stuff and it's been so good for me to be around friends again. I get to be a hermit when things are hard so I don't have to drag other people down. I'm doing better now. Here's praying that it lasts! And here's to establishing some good patterns in my up mood that will help carry me through when the rough is back.  :)

Bad blogger...

Yep, I'm a bad blogger. Over a month since my last post. I'll trust no one is desperately awaiting my newest post but I apologize for the delay as you're obviously interested in our progress.

So, on to news. four weeks ago, Dan and I started our new diet on a Monday and then weighed in on Thursday of the same week. We probably should have weighed before the diet started to see how weight loss was affected, but we didn't. The good news is, when we weighed in after two months at the gym and four days on the diet, I weighed 297.8 pounds, a loss of just over 11 pounds.  Dan lost 12 pounds. We haven't weighed in for a month again now, but we plan to weigh in this evening.

We've actually done really well on our new eating plan. We're not hungry and we're getting more protein and veg with fewer and better carbs. It's been a lot easier than I thought it would be. We eat five times a day and usually grab at least one protein shake a day for an easy meal. They are much better than anticipated. I started out using L-glutamine to help with cravings and I don't need it anymore. My moods seem to be more stable based on a better diet also. We did crash and burn a little this weekend, but we're back in the groove today.

Our biggest concern is the overall cost of eating. Lean protein is not cheap. We have been watching for sales and such, but this is another area where the protein shakes have helped. We'll need to get another tub of protein soon, but it is cheaper than meat per serving and even eggs, lately. Our little meals tend to be predictable; scrambled eggs, a shake or a couple hard boiled eggs. Our bigger meals run the gamut from chili, taco salad, salad with chicken breast, etc. Dan's done a really great job of making some pretty yummy stuff out of a stricter list of ingredients.

That's all for now.  Hope to have new weigh ins soon!

Little bitty baby steps

Whew! Today's workout totally kicked my butt and Dan's, too! But we both made it through and Melissa, our trainer, says we've been building up endurance. I don't really see that, but I trust her. We started out with 300 meter rows as fast as you can, then you rest while your partner does one, and you trade off three times. I'm not that great at rowing so I was immediately anxious about putting my partner behind everyone else. I kept moving and Dan says I tore it up. I was still the last one done, but I was on my last set when everyone else finished and Dan, Melissa and my partner were all cheering me on, so that was kind of awesome. :) It didn't feel awesome then, cuz my throat was dry and my chest hurt and I was exhausted already, but looking back, it kinda was. :) The other good thing about today's workout was the walking part. She has the rest of the group run a ways, but Dan and I had four laps to walk on the street out front. She doesn't want us impacting our joints with running yet. I hate walking though. Walking has never helped me feel fitter, stronger, leaner, or healthier. Walking makes my back hurt badly, even when I squeeze my glutes like Melissa tells me to. Today, my back didn't even start to hurt until the fourth lap, which is definite progress! Next week is our benchmark week and our weigh in's, so I'll have some more tangible measures to look at, but I know I'm getting stronger and that can only be a good thing.

On the diet side of things, Dan and I are gonna kick it hard core starting next week. First, we're spending a weekend at Momma and Daddy's eating yummy home-cooked foods and then we're going to try to get a new food plan put into action during our three week unpaid vacation before summer school. Week one is the carb depletion week. I know we can do this stuff, it's just planning ahead enough to make it work that's the trouble. With three weeks, we should be able to figure out what we need to do ahead and get systems streamlined enough that once we are back to work, we can keep it going. Last time we tried this, I was pretty worried about cravings, but I think I've got a handle on those now. On the educational front, a good friend recommended reading The Diet Cure by Julia Ross. It basically talks about all the deficiencies in our diets, even if we're eating that right foods. She uses amino acids, the LEGOs of proteins, to help correct imbalances in the body. Of the eight imbalances that she describes, I suffer from at least five. Two of the biggest issues for me are in chapter ONE Depleted Brain Chemistry: The Real Story Behind "Emotional" Eating and chapter THREE Unstable Blood Sugar; Carb Addiction, Hypoglycemia, Diabetes, and Adrenal Exhaustion. It's not that it was new to me that I have these issues, it was just new to me that there may actually be a road to health that's a little less rocky than the one I've been traveling on. One amino that helps curb the carb cravings, due to either emotional eating or unstable sugars is L-glutamine. I have been taking 850 mg of L-glutamine four times a day for almost a week now. I've noticed two things about the effects so far. The first realization was that when I had a chance, soda doesn't sound as good and after a hard day, we still had ice cream in the freezer. Amazed? Me, too. The second thing I realized is that when Dan says, "Hey, let's hit McD's for a soda," I still say, "Sure, why not?" because I can't say no when someone offers me food or beverages. These things are reasons I need therapy and I'm pretty sure there is not amino to fix that, however, as Dan and I are on the same page, some of this should get easier when we start making food changes.

I'm very happy with the L-glutamine so far and plan to read The Mood Cure, also by Julia Ross, in the next few days to see what I can do to help with my depression. I'm hooked on the idea of solutions to get me through rough patches without more drugs, but don't take my word for it. Read the book for yourself and talk to your doctor for verification. I'm just guessing and stumbling around to find what works for me, get the facts from a more reliable source before you try new stuff like this. Buy the books or check them out at the library if you think they might help. They even address PCOS in The Diet Cure, which I have to admit I was very surprised to see. Nobody seems to know what it is, even when you talk to docs sometimes, so any new information is a well-appreciated tool.

If you do choose to check out Julia's books, start a new eating or exercising plan, let me know! I'd love to support your journey.

Kicked off or kicked in the teeth?

Last Monday, we were pumped to kick off our 42 day eating challenge to change up our eating habits and begin the adjustment into a food-as-fuel mindset. It was a rough day, but not one that surprised me over all.

We had breakfast at 6:30am and headed to work. We were done with our first shift at work around nine. We called the doctor's office to make an appointment for an infection Dan had on his thumb. We got an appointment for 9:40 so we headed their straight from work. By the time we got home, we had already screwed up our "eat every three to four hours rule." We had thought that it was good to aim for four, but have since decided that we'll need to aim at eating every three hours and only go four if things go awry. So, we ate our healthy, low-carb lunch at eleven. We didn't do the gym that day because we planned on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning last week. We weren't hungry again when it was time to go back to work at two, so we planned on eating as soon as we got home from work.

Once we were off work, we picked up Livi from Boys and Girls Club and headed home. I cooked up hamburger to make hamburger helper for the kids when I realized we didn't have milk. Payton didn't want hamburger helper so I let him drive to the store so we could get milk and then he got Taco Bell for himself. When we were on the way home, the car crunched and jerked and ground to a halt. Payton handled it very well. Our tire was completely flat. I didn't know what had caused it to pop, but I was a little worried we had more going on than just a flat tire. We had a good tire in the trunk just no jack. I called the roadside assistance number and they sent a guy out. While we were waiting the 45 minutes for the guy to show up, I called and let Dan know what was up. Payton needed to use the restroom, so he headed home and Dan sent Livi to get the milk because we were less than two blocks from home. After Dan finished making the hamburger helper and feeding Livi, he came out to see me. The tire guy came out and couldn't get his jack under our car because it was too low to the ground. He had Dan help him try to lift the front end a little but he couldn't do enough to get the jack in right. The guy said to have roadside assistance send out a tow truck because they would have the dolly to get under the car and get it up enough to get the tire changed. I called the roadside assistance as the tire guy drove off into the cloudy, drizzly evening. Once I explained to the roadside assistance lady what the tire guy told us, she told me couldn't call a tow truck to change a tire. We could call for a tire change, or a tow truck, but not both. By now it was after seven thirty and I'd been in the drizzle and not eaten dinner. I had handled everything pretty well until this, but when she repeatedly told me she couldn't do what we needed I had all I could take. Once I start to cry, things are not going to get better so I just handed the phone to Dan. He finally got her to call a tow company and they said they would change a tire. So, after fifteen minutes on the phone, we finally had another 55 minutes to wait for the tow truck.

At this point, Dan and I gave up on low carb day and he sent me home to eat some of the hamburger helper and get Livi started getting reawdy for bed. Once the tow guy showed up, he let us know that the lower ball joint went out and something sliced the tire when it happened. He was very nice and had a nice lady with him and they were sympathetic to our cause. We had him tow the car to Slimmer's, our mechanic. Slimmer's had already given us an estimate for about eight hundred dollars worth of suspension work, so we had a clue of what we were in for. Dan and I walked home in the rain.

We got rides for the week to get to work but we had to get up half an hour earlier and stay at work all day, so we gave up on our carb depletion week. Tuesday, I called Slimmer's and he said he'd get us an estimate. He called back right before our second shift and said it could be done late Wednesday, but I had to check to figure out how we could pay for it so I told him I'd call him back. When I called him back five, he said it should be done for us on Thursday. As it happened, it's supposed to be done late Monday morning. This is taking the last of the money we had set aside for the car, the rest of our emergency fund, and a chunk of the money we have set aside for next month's budget. This does not bode well for our summer of five weeks of work.

Edye tells me if we knew how the money was coming in, it isn't faith. I said, if I have to count on God to bail us out, why am I trying so hard to budget and get ahead? Are planning and having faith incompatible??

It just seems like every time Dan and I try to do something to improve our circumstances, something else comes in to kick us in the teeth. Add to all this that school's out in two weeks and Payton is leaving and everything just kept building until I couldn't handle it anymore and I completely melted down on Saturday. I'm so blessed to have a husband who supports me as much as he can and friends who understand and offer sympathy and help.

Today was better. It's always hard to bounce back from a day like yesterday, especially when the circumstances involved haven't changed. But, I spent the day with three people who I love and who love me. Payton ordered chinese for lunch for Mother's day, Livi made me some rainbow loom jewelry and wrote me a song and Dan's momma bought Applebee's for supper since my birthday is tomorrow. I'm not doing so great at the whole one day at a time thing. Thinking that far ahead right now is too overwhelming. But today has some really nice moments.

For now, I'll try to focus on Matthew 6:3.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Amen.

A new approach to food

Over the past two weeks, Dan has been to the gym three times each week, and I made it three times and then just once. We took Saturday off this week, just to sleep in and relax.  It turned out not to be such a relaxing day, after all.

Thursday was our eleventh wedding anniversary. Since we weren't able to do anything to celebrate then and we unexpectedly ended up kid-free on Friday, I decided we should enjoy a date night. Dan agreed so we saw Furious 7 and enjoyed dinner at LongHorns--thanks to Dan's momma. We were still in bed by midnight, which is pretty late for us early risers, but I forgot my meds before bed. This left me in a bit of a funk on Saturday, and Dan has a sore on his hand that was paining him and left him in a funk on Saturday, also. Not so much fun chillin' on a Saturday when you're in pain or just emotionally empty. 

So, today, we had to make up for things we didn't get around to yesterday. We've spent a month at the UgL now, and I've already noticed that I'm stronger. When I got to drive for Livi's field trip just over a week ago, I was on my feet any time I wasn't in the bus and my back wasn't killing me all day. Yay! It was pretty sore last Saturday, but I'll take any progress I can get. Dan decided that we needed to make some serious changes to our eating habits if we're really going to lose weight and be healthy, and I couldn't disagree. The UgL did a 42 day weight loss challenge for folks to start off the New Year with and one of the ladies at the Lab told Dan about it. I haven't gotten into how strict the rest is, but week one is intense. It's your basic concept of cutting the carb cravings and rebooting your metabolism, which is far harder than it sounds. We'll do six days of 20 grams or fewer carbs, switch to eating smaller meals five times a day, and and then we get a cheat/re-fuel meal on Sunday evening. They recommend that we journal daily and track our emotional and physical feel, so I'll try. If you're going to be reading all of these, it could be ugly by Wednesday or Thursday. Caffeine is not disallowed in moderation, however, I generally have my caffeine with a nice serving of sugar, whether in coffee, tea or soda. Detox is not going to be fun, but hopefully, by Friday, I'll be feeling the perks of the purge. Wish us lots of luck! :)  Dan thinks that the caffeine won't be a problem for him because he doesn't think it's really an issue for him, but we shall see...

Oh, yeah, the things we got to do today since we didn't do then yesterday... We sat down and about halfway mapped out our meals for the first three days. The challenge recommends prepping on Sunday and Wednesday. I cooked up four pounds of chicken and cut it into bite sized pieces and weighed it out into Dan sized and Eeka sized portions. It took us forever figuring out what to buy and how much, so that's all we got done tonight. Tomorrow, we'll have scrambled eggs (one whole egg each plus extra whites) with green peppers and mushrooms for breakfast before work. I finally bought a pill fob for my key chain so I can take my metformin with breakfast like I'm supposed to, even if we have to take the eggs to go and eat them in the break room at work. After we get home from our first shift, we'll eat again. Probably a nice salad with chicken since it's ready already and then we'll get Dan to the doc to check out his hand, I'll hit the gym and we'll try to prep the rest of the veggies. We've got a busy day planned but a lot will depend on when we can get Dan to the doc. I'm thinking we might just pack a couple containers of broccoli and chicken that we can zap in the microwave at work and eat before we head out. Dan and I will discuss that in the morning and see if we have time for it. I feel like we didn't do much prep at all, but it already feels better knowing we have something halfway ready to eat. Maybe I could get used to this.

The hardest parts of this challenge are not about the eating. They are mental and financial.  Dan and I spent over forty dollars for three days of food for just us. I'm hoping the stuff after the first week will be much cheaper or we won't make it through the whole challenge simply because we won't have the budget to allow the healthier foods. I hate that this is a drawback to being healthier, but it is. I'm praying for ways to get through this from the financial standpoint to see if we can maintain healthier habits. Dan's wanting to get another job that will get us some room for financial growth, but I don't want to have to go back to cheap carbs until then. Even budget cooks I find online are budgeting on a whole lot more than we have to spend. My friend, Edye, always says how our Daddy in heaven has deep pockets. Here's hoping He wants to pick up the grocery tab this month.

The mental part of this challenge is two fold for me. First of all, it's really easy for me to see all the ways that this won't work, i.e. finances. Pastor Matt said this morning that we need to make a decision and take a step forward even if we're only 51% sure, just to get started. He said we often don't make decisions because we only see one way to go and a hundred reasons it won't work so we quit before we even start. He said we need to have a hundred ideas of where to go and just pick the best one. I've got the whole system backwards, so I'm trying to move forward positively. Today's message was justa knockin' on the door of my brain and I couldn't ignore it, so I'm trying. 

Secondly, we have to change the way we look at food. That's what this challenge is really about. Changing from living to eat to eating to live. Seeing food as fuel, not comfort. Man, that's hard for me to even type out. I just looks so wrong to me. I've known food as love my whole life. Part of me doesn't want to change that. I know I need to change that. I know if I can't change that, I'll never truly be able to lose this weight and be healthy. I KNOW that. I don't doubt it. I can't deny it. It's in caps so it's gotta be true. ;)  But I don't like it. We're going all in on this. I'm gonna give it my best shot because I don't want to be diabetic when I'm 45. I don't want a heart attack before I'm 50. I want to see all of my kids graduate and find their special someone and make me a grandma (years from now, not too soon on that!) I want to be there for them like Momma and Daddy have always been there for me. So I KNOW I have to change the way I look at food. I HAVE to get better or I won't be here for my kiddos. But I still don't like it. And it's a big change and it scares me. Diabetes and heart attacks scare me too, but I think change scares me more.