When I went to church this morning, I was drowning in my sorrow for her and Rob that they had to wait so many years, only to go through this pain all over again. No one else can feel as heartbroken as they do today, but I KNOW what it feels like. After my first miscarriage, I just pushed the pain aside. I told myself that since it wasn't planned and I wasn't even with the guy I had been dating at the time, maybe this was for the best. I've learned that no matter how many times you tell yourself that, it still reeks of bullshit.
Four years later, Aaron and I are married and we wanted to have a baby. When I got pregnant, we were both nervous and excited. When we found out it was triplets, I think we were both flat out scared, but still excited. We looked at everything through different eyes. Where would we put three cribs? Could three car seats fit in the back of a two door? How were we going to be able to afford it?
When I went back for my second sonogram, they told me that the babies were not "viable." There were no hearts beating anymore. They babies had not grown since the last sonogram. For the last two weeks, I had been throwing up all day with dead babies inside me and I didn't even know it. It didn't make any sense. Even as they scheduled me for a D and C to remove the babies, I thought it must be a mistake. How could my body not KNOW? It just didn't make any sense. Surely there was another explanation . . . I can't remember if I called Aaron from the doctor's office or from the house. What I do remember is that on the way home, I kept thinking that I should just pick a building and drive into it as hard as I could. I was so lost and hurt and angry and confused. Suicide sounded so much easier than having my heart ripped out of my chest like this. I could hardly breathe. The one thought that carried me home without doing something incredibly stupid was that Aaron lost three babies too, and it wouldn't be fair to take his wife.
It's ironic enough for a song, that this miscarriage lead to our divorce. Aaron and I avoid dealing with extreme pain in completely different ways. I turned to my family and friends while he turned to other friends. I turned to people who would understand if I broke down while he turned to friends who didn't expect him to be any different than usual. We both coped in our own dysfunctional ways. It was amazing that we spent enough time together that I got pregnant with Payton. Neither of us had even really started to deal with the miscarriage and now I was pregnant again. Our marriage dwindled as my belly stretched. Now the grief of the divorce was added onto the grief of the miscarriage and the stress of being a single mom. I didn't thank God then, but I have many times since, that I have the supportive family that I do who helped me get through that time.
Once I shoved the pain away enough times, I figured it was over. It was better. I had a baby so now I was magically healed. I even thought it was weird that other parents were still sad about miscarriages when they had a healthy baby. Just shows how much you can miss spending ten years to get your four year degree studying arts and psychology. So smart and so dumb, all at the same time.
As I prayed through those hours while Shayna waited for a miracle, all of the old pain came back to me. When the doctor finally said it was over, we both knew that things were really just getting started. My heart was breaking for Shay and Rob. My unresolved grief of my own miscarriages was adding to the weight on my heart.
I went to church on auto-pilot. I didn't really know what else to do. I felt like Bruce Willis at the end of a movie, right before he turns the tide. When he's beat and bleeding and every step is agony and he leaves a ragged trail of bloody footprints for the enemy to follow.
I don't know who decides what songs to sing on Sunday. I don't know if it's Palmer, or a joint decision of the band, or if Matt asks for certain songs that will work with his sermon for the day. I just know that someone picked the right song that day. When they played Sweetly Broken, I cried. It
wasn't a little sobbing or a few tears. I stood there in that auditorium with rivers of saline rushing down my cheeks and soaking into my shirt. I was completely broken in that moment. I surrendered my pain to God. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't hold on any longer. I wasn't strong enough. I let go of my babies and Shayna's babies and all of my hurt and let him take it away. I cried for me, and Shay, and Rob, and those babies we never got a chance to know, or hold.
Click for my Sunday Morning Prayer
Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jeremy_riddle/sweetly_broken.html ]
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I'm reconciled
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Four years later, Aaron and I are married and we wanted to have a baby. When I got pregnant, we were both nervous and excited. When we found out it was triplets, I think we were both flat out scared, but still excited. We looked at everything through different eyes. Where would we put three cribs? Could three car seats fit in the back of a two door? How were we going to be able to afford it?
When I went back for my second sonogram, they told me that the babies were not "viable." There were no hearts beating anymore. They babies had not grown since the last sonogram. For the last two weeks, I had been throwing up all day with dead babies inside me and I didn't even know it. It didn't make any sense. Even as they scheduled me for a D and C to remove the babies, I thought it must be a mistake. How could my body not KNOW? It just didn't make any sense. Surely there was another explanation . . . I can't remember if I called Aaron from the doctor's office or from the house. What I do remember is that on the way home, I kept thinking that I should just pick a building and drive into it as hard as I could. I was so lost and hurt and angry and confused. Suicide sounded so much easier than having my heart ripped out of my chest like this. I could hardly breathe. The one thought that carried me home without doing something incredibly stupid was that Aaron lost three babies too, and it wouldn't be fair to take his wife.
It's ironic enough for a song, that this miscarriage lead to our divorce. Aaron and I avoid dealing with extreme pain in completely different ways. I turned to my family and friends while he turned to other friends. I turned to people who would understand if I broke down while he turned to friends who didn't expect him to be any different than usual. We both coped in our own dysfunctional ways. It was amazing that we spent enough time together that I got pregnant with Payton. Neither of us had even really started to deal with the miscarriage and now I was pregnant again. Our marriage dwindled as my belly stretched. Now the grief of the divorce was added onto the grief of the miscarriage and the stress of being a single mom. I didn't thank God then, but I have many times since, that I have the supportive family that I do who helped me get through that time.
Once I shoved the pain away enough times, I figured it was over. It was better. I had a baby so now I was magically healed. I even thought it was weird that other parents were still sad about miscarriages when they had a healthy baby. Just shows how much you can miss spending ten years to get your four year degree studying arts and psychology. So smart and so dumb, all at the same time.
As I prayed through those hours while Shayna waited for a miracle, all of the old pain came back to me. When the doctor finally said it was over, we both knew that things were really just getting started. My heart was breaking for Shay and Rob. My unresolved grief of my own miscarriages was adding to the weight on my heart.
I went to church on auto-pilot. I didn't really know what else to do. I felt like Bruce Willis at the end of a movie, right before he turns the tide. When he's beat and bleeding and every step is agony and he leaves a ragged trail of bloody footprints for the enemy to follow.
I don't know who decides what songs to sing on Sunday. I don't know if it's Palmer, or a joint decision of the band, or if Matt asks for certain songs that will work with his sermon for the day. I just know that someone picked the right song that day. When they played Sweetly Broken, I cried. It
wasn't a little sobbing or a few tears. I stood there in that auditorium with rivers of saline rushing down my cheeks and soaking into my shirt. I was completely broken in that moment. I surrendered my pain to God. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't hold on any longer. I wasn't strong enough. I let go of my babies and Shayna's babies and all of my hurt and let him take it away. I cried for me, and Shay, and Rob, and those babies we never got a chance to know, or hold.
Click for my Sunday Morning Prayer
Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jeremy_riddle/sweetly_broken.html ]
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I'm reconciled
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
