What's up, homeys?
So, today was a crazy busy, in a fun kind of way, day. I had to cancel my morning walk so I could get some resumes printed for Dan's job fair thing. Then we went to Wal-Mart and bought him one new shirt so he wouldn't look too much like an orphan (or an elf, if you ask Livi) when he went in. Edye was gracious enough to drive us around as we alternated our errands with hers.
We got home around nine and I helped Dan trim up his 'stache, made sandwiches for everyone and packed a lunch for Dan and one for Livi and I. Then Livi and I headed out to KC with Regan, while Dan waited to get on the bus for his interview and stuff. While I was riding to KC, I went over the bus schedule with Dan to make sure he could get to the interview easily.
Once we got to Wonderscopes, we let the kids run around like lunatics and they had a blast. There is a totally cool undersea set up in the gym that's made of Legos and they have an octopus, a squid, a hammer head, a jelly fish, a sea turtle and a dolphin, among other things. Super cool and I got a few pics for my budding marine biologist, Payton. They loved the farm room and the H2Oh! room. The one that stuck in my head today, though, was the ball room. After all the fun, we had lunch and headed for Deanna Rose Farmstead. It's a great place for the kiddos and it wore us all out, especially in the heat.
On the way home, I realized why the ball room stuck with me so much. In the ball room, there were hundreds of golf balls that the kids could roll down ramps. There were loop d'loops and aiming at moving buckets, and a little thing that Livi said made music. The one that stuck with me the most was the progressive hills. You start with the ball around eight feet in the air and let it roll down the hill. It gets enough momentum to get to the top of the next, slightly smaller hill, which, in turn, allows it to crest the next slightly smaller hill. There were only four or five hills, but it seems a metaphor of personal growth.
My current struggle is finance. As we struggle with money, I worry about how we are going to pay the rent and the utilities and are we going to lose the things we have left in storage because we can't pay for it. I began tithing a few months ago when I realized that my safety and security will never be found in a budget, but in God's grace. I felt that I was taking that step in faith that God was asking of me. Then I decided that I had probably better start donating plasma to make sure I could keep up with the weekly withdrawal. So much for trusting God. I struggled with this and I got a nasty cold from my baby brother so I couldn't donate plasma anyway. But I still worried about it. One week, I even ended up paying a bank charge for my tithe because I had miscalculated our account. I finally came to grips with not donating plasma and that God is going to take care of us. Then, I realized tonight that I'm worrying about our stuff in storage and how we're going to keep it. It's not even my stuff. It's all on loan from God and maybe I don't really need it anyway. A beautiful Samaritan left us a box of clothes and kitchen supplies on our porch today. God's taking care of us. Each time I get caught up in worry about the stuff or money that God has entrusted us to take care of, I have to stop myself again. I have to pray for forgiveness for my lack of faith and hand it all over to God again. But each time, that hill is just a tiny bit shorter.
I may never see the end of this line of hills. Every time, I remind myself again that God will take care of our needs and all of our stuff is really His. Every time, I catch myself just a little bit quicker and handing it back over to God is just a smidge easier. I know that as these hills get shorter, it will clear my view of the horizon so that I can see the next set of hills. I'll never run out of hills. But God will keep giving me the momentum I need to crest the next hill if I just trust in His grace, one more time.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Day 268: To Lose or Not to Lose?
After extensive walking for a month and trying to eat better, I lost ten pounds. After another month of extensive walking, I leveled out. And the third month of walking gained me two pounds. Dan, on the other hand has been walking 4.2 miles home from work 2 - 5 nights a week. He has only been doing this for maybe three weeks and he has lost 11 pounds. If he keeps walking, he will keep losing. That's what he does. Me, I'll keep walking not see any change. I wish I could figure out what it is that I'm supposed to figure out about PCOS that's going to help me make some progress. Even the interns at the Health Care Access Clinic tell me that eating right is important and exercise is vital. From all they could find, I need to keep eating well and keep exercising, but that I probably won't see any results. Not so encouraging. . . I am, however, very happy for Dan! Don't get me wrong, but still . . .
On a positive note, my chiropractor swears that in working with my back and adjusting me, he can tell that I am building muscle. I sure hope he is right. Also, he suggested a steak day. I have to buy a lean steak, like a sirloin, nothing super yummy like ribeye. And I get to eat a good portion in the morning and nibble on it the rest of the day. That's it. He says that a lean protein steak day like that should help jump start my metabolism. I think I'll get a steak on Friday and nibble on Saturday and we'll see how things go from there.
Wish me luck!
On a positive note, my chiropractor swears that in working with my back and adjusting me, he can tell that I am building muscle. I sure hope he is right. Also, he suggested a steak day. I have to buy a lean steak, like a sirloin, nothing super yummy like ribeye. And I get to eat a good portion in the morning and nibble on it the rest of the day. That's it. He says that a lean protein steak day like that should help jump start my metabolism. I think I'll get a steak on Friday and nibble on Saturday and we'll see how things go from there.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Day 260: Zip Lock Ice Cream
I didn't realize I would start such a frenzy, but I've had so many people ask about ziplock ice cream that I figured I better just post the recipe! :)
What you need:
1 cup Milk (I used 3/4 c evaporated milk and 1/4 c water. Don't know if non-dairy will work.)
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon Vanilla (for chocolate, leave off vanilla and add enough chocolate syrup to make it look like your favorite chocolate milk)
1/2 cup salt
Lots of ice
1 Quart size zip lock freezer bag
2 Gallon size zip lock freezer bags
Steps
1. Mix milk, sugar and flavor in a glass until sugar is dissolved.
2. Pour into quart size freezer bag and seal it up.
3. Put quart size bag of goodness in the gallon size bag. Fill gallon size bag half way with ice and salt.
4. Seal the gallon size bag and then put it in the last gallon bag. Seal this bag to prevent leakage.
5. You know the drill . . . It's shake and don't bake! Five to ten minutes is awesome. Keep on shaking until you have the desired consistency. Five minutes should be a soft serve where as ten would be scoopable, if you have a really little scoop.
It does get pretty cold, so little ones might need mittens, or towels or something. It's awesome on a hot day to cool off as you're making it and then you get to eat it after you've already burned off the calories! YAY! :)
What you need:
1 cup Milk (I used 3/4 c evaporated milk and 1/4 c water. Don't know if non-dairy will work.)
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon Vanilla (for chocolate, leave off vanilla and add enough chocolate syrup to make it look like your favorite chocolate milk)
1/2 cup salt
Lots of ice
1 Quart size zip lock freezer bag
2 Gallon size zip lock freezer bags
Steps
1. Mix milk, sugar and flavor in a glass until sugar is dissolved.
2. Pour into quart size freezer bag and seal it up.
3. Put quart size bag of goodness in the gallon size bag. Fill gallon size bag half way with ice and salt.
4. Seal the gallon size bag and then put it in the last gallon bag. Seal this bag to prevent leakage.
5. You know the drill . . . It's shake and don't bake! Five to ten minutes is awesome. Keep on shaking until you have the desired consistency. Five minutes should be a soft serve where as ten would be scoopable, if you have a really little scoop.
It does get pretty cold, so little ones might need mittens, or towels or something. It's awesome on a hot day to cool off as you're making it and then you get to eat it after you've already burned off the calories! YAY! :)
Monday, July 4, 2011
Day 259: Independence Day
Today was a pretty good day. It was a little different because I knew going in that there would be no fireworks for us this year. For maybe the first time ever, we skipped out on the extra expenses of a fun holiday because it was not in our budget. It's rarely been in our budget, but we always find a way to spend anyway. I'm going to call that a step towards our financial independence.
Now, there was a big shindig at the park downtown where we could have gone to watch the city fireworks display. I'm guessing it's about a three mile hike and once we got there, the only thing free would be the fireworks. I would have had to spend the afternoon reinforcing for my kids how broke we are and that we can't buy ice cream or sodas or pay for games or whatever other fun stuff was going on that wasn't free. Instead, I planned fun things for home. We made home made ziplock bag ice cream, which was super yummy! Dan's step-dad, Al, was in town. We had cheese dip and rented "Gnomeo and Juliet." It was a great night. We'll call that one a step towards independence from monetary frustrations and trying to do things "normally."
We enjoyed time together as a family, had fun, ate well and made ice cream. I don't think anyone missed the expensive stuff, although we would have enjoyed it if we had the opportunity. What a great day.
Now, there was a big shindig at the park downtown where we could have gone to watch the city fireworks display. I'm guessing it's about a three mile hike and once we got there, the only thing free would be the fireworks. I would have had to spend the afternoon reinforcing for my kids how broke we are and that we can't buy ice cream or sodas or pay for games or whatever other fun stuff was going on that wasn't free. Instead, I planned fun things for home. We made home made ziplock bag ice cream, which was super yummy! Dan's step-dad, Al, was in town. We had cheese dip and rented "Gnomeo and Juliet." It was a great night. We'll call that one a step towards independence from monetary frustrations and trying to do things "normally."
We enjoyed time together as a family, had fun, ate well and made ice cream. I don't think anyone missed the expensive stuff, although we would have enjoyed it if we had the opportunity. What a great day.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Day 255: Slacker
So, I'm looking at things and realized that almost two months have gone by since my last post. Oh so many things have happened in that time. I guess it's easier to get too busy and frazzled to keep up than I thought. I'm getting back into the swing of things and I will be updating in the next few days. Some of the things that have happened: I applied for a job, I got a bed, I'm leading a growth group, I lost ten pounds, we've had Ash for a week so far instead of our whole summer, Dan's had surgery, etc. I think you can see why I have gotten behind. I've had a lot of thoughts and ideas, I just haven't written them all down, or I have notes but I haven't typed them up.
Bear with me. :)
Bear with me. :)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Day 209: Loss, Grief and Doubt
Last night, Shayna sent a text that she was cramping and spotting. She went to the emergency room but by two this morning, it was official that she has lost the baby.
When I went to church this morning, I was drowning in my sorrow for her and Rob that they had to wait so many years, only to go through this pain all over again. No one else can feel as heartbroken as they do today, but I KNOW what it feels like. After my first miscarriage, I just pushed the pain aside. I told myself that since it wasn't planned and I wasn't even with the guy I had been dating at the time, maybe this was for the best. I've learned that no matter how many times you tell yourself that, it still reeks of bullshit.
Four years later, Aaron and I are married and we wanted to have a baby. When I got pregnant, we were both nervous and excited. When we found out it was triplets, I think we were both flat out scared, but still excited. We looked at everything through different eyes. Where would we put three cribs? Could three car seats fit in the back of a two door? How were we going to be able to afford it?
When I went back for my second sonogram, they told me that the babies were not "viable." There were no hearts beating anymore. They babies had not grown since the last sonogram. For the last two weeks, I had been throwing up all day with dead babies inside me and I didn't even know it. It didn't make any sense. Even as they scheduled me for a D and C to remove the babies, I thought it must be a mistake. How could my body not KNOW? It just didn't make any sense. Surely there was another explanation . . . I can't remember if I called Aaron from the doctor's office or from the house. What I do remember is that on the way home, I kept thinking that I should just pick a building and drive into it as hard as I could. I was so lost and hurt and angry and confused. Suicide sounded so much easier than having my heart ripped out of my chest like this. I could hardly breathe. The one thought that carried me home without doing something incredibly stupid was that Aaron lost three babies too, and it wouldn't be fair to take his wife.
It's ironic enough for a song, that this miscarriage lead to our divorce. Aaron and I avoid dealing with extreme pain in completely different ways. I turned to my family and friends while he turned to other friends. I turned to people who would understand if I broke down while he turned to friends who didn't expect him to be any different than usual. We both coped in our own dysfunctional ways. It was amazing that we spent enough time together that I got pregnant with Payton. Neither of us had even really started to deal with the miscarriage and now I was pregnant again. Our marriage dwindled as my belly stretched. Now the grief of the divorce was added onto the grief of the miscarriage and the stress of being a single mom. I didn't thank God then, but I have many times since, that I have the supportive family that I do who helped me get through that time.
Once I shoved the pain away enough times, I figured it was over. It was better. I had a baby so now I was magically healed. I even thought it was weird that other parents were still sad about miscarriages when they had a healthy baby. Just shows how much you can miss spending ten years to get your four year degree studying arts and psychology. So smart and so dumb, all at the same time.
As I prayed through those hours while Shayna waited for a miracle, all of the old pain came back to me. When the doctor finally said it was over, we both knew that things were really just getting started. My heart was breaking for Shay and Rob. My unresolved grief of my own miscarriages was adding to the weight on my heart.
I went to church on auto-pilot. I didn't really know what else to do. I felt like Bruce Willis at the end of a movie, right before he turns the tide. When he's beat and bleeding and every step is agony and he leaves a ragged trail of bloody footprints for the enemy to follow.
I don't know who decides what songs to sing on Sunday. I don't know if it's Palmer, or a joint decision of the band, or if Matt asks for certain songs that will work with his sermon for the day. I just know that someone picked the right song that day. When they played Sweetly Broken, I cried. It
wasn't a little sobbing or a few tears. I stood there in that auditorium with rivers of saline rushing down my cheeks and soaking into my shirt. I was completely broken in that moment. I surrendered my pain to God. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't hold on any longer. I wasn't strong enough. I let go of my babies and Shayna's babies and all of my hurt and let him take it away. I cried for me, and Shay, and Rob, and those babies we never got a chance to know, or hold.
Click for my Sunday Morning Prayer
Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jeremy_riddle/sweetly_broken.html ]
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I'm reconciled
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Four years later, Aaron and I are married and we wanted to have a baby. When I got pregnant, we were both nervous and excited. When we found out it was triplets, I think we were both flat out scared, but still excited. We looked at everything through different eyes. Where would we put three cribs? Could three car seats fit in the back of a two door? How were we going to be able to afford it?
When I went back for my second sonogram, they told me that the babies were not "viable." There were no hearts beating anymore. They babies had not grown since the last sonogram. For the last two weeks, I had been throwing up all day with dead babies inside me and I didn't even know it. It didn't make any sense. Even as they scheduled me for a D and C to remove the babies, I thought it must be a mistake. How could my body not KNOW? It just didn't make any sense. Surely there was another explanation . . . I can't remember if I called Aaron from the doctor's office or from the house. What I do remember is that on the way home, I kept thinking that I should just pick a building and drive into it as hard as I could. I was so lost and hurt and angry and confused. Suicide sounded so much easier than having my heart ripped out of my chest like this. I could hardly breathe. The one thought that carried me home without doing something incredibly stupid was that Aaron lost three babies too, and it wouldn't be fair to take his wife.
It's ironic enough for a song, that this miscarriage lead to our divorce. Aaron and I avoid dealing with extreme pain in completely different ways. I turned to my family and friends while he turned to other friends. I turned to people who would understand if I broke down while he turned to friends who didn't expect him to be any different than usual. We both coped in our own dysfunctional ways. It was amazing that we spent enough time together that I got pregnant with Payton. Neither of us had even really started to deal with the miscarriage and now I was pregnant again. Our marriage dwindled as my belly stretched. Now the grief of the divorce was added onto the grief of the miscarriage and the stress of being a single mom. I didn't thank God then, but I have many times since, that I have the supportive family that I do who helped me get through that time.
Once I shoved the pain away enough times, I figured it was over. It was better. I had a baby so now I was magically healed. I even thought it was weird that other parents were still sad about miscarriages when they had a healthy baby. Just shows how much you can miss spending ten years to get your four year degree studying arts and psychology. So smart and so dumb, all at the same time.
As I prayed through those hours while Shayna waited for a miracle, all of the old pain came back to me. When the doctor finally said it was over, we both knew that things were really just getting started. My heart was breaking for Shay and Rob. My unresolved grief of my own miscarriages was adding to the weight on my heart.
I went to church on auto-pilot. I didn't really know what else to do. I felt like Bruce Willis at the end of a movie, right before he turns the tide. When he's beat and bleeding and every step is agony and he leaves a ragged trail of bloody footprints for the enemy to follow.
I don't know who decides what songs to sing on Sunday. I don't know if it's Palmer, or a joint decision of the band, or if Matt asks for certain songs that will work with his sermon for the day. I just know that someone picked the right song that day. When they played Sweetly Broken, I cried. It
wasn't a little sobbing or a few tears. I stood there in that auditorium with rivers of saline rushing down my cheeks and soaking into my shirt. I was completely broken in that moment. I surrendered my pain to God. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't hold on any longer. I wasn't strong enough. I let go of my babies and Shayna's babies and all of my hurt and let him take it away. I cried for me, and Shay, and Rob, and those babies we never got a chance to know, or hold.
Click for my Sunday Morning Prayer
Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jeremy_riddle/sweetly_broken.html ]
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I'm reconciled
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Friday, May 6, 2011
Day 200: *sigh*
Shay-Shay's gonna have a baby! Go God! :)
EastLake worship night was awesome! Go God! :)
The guy I looked up to like a big brother growing up died today. His birthday is coming up on Monday. Ouch. I feel like I just got whiplash.
Guess I'll take two excedrin and call somebody in the morning. . .
Oh, I almost forgot. Payton decided that in honor of day 200 of my blog, I am to announce that I am writing a book. I have several ideas that I have been thinking on, but I think I'm going to start with a book about how my kids have helped me to build my faith. Wish me luck!
EastLake worship night was awesome! Go God! :)
The guy I looked up to like a big brother growing up died today. His birthday is coming up on Monday. Ouch. I feel like I just got whiplash.
Guess I'll take two excedrin and call somebody in the morning. . .
Oh, I almost forgot. Payton decided that in honor of day 200 of my blog, I am to announce that I am writing a book. I have several ideas that I have been thinking on, but I think I'm going to start with a book about how my kids have helped me to build my faith. Wish me luck!
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