A Beautiful Night (Letting Go Part 2)

This was written in the fall of 2007.  I just found it on an old online journal today.  I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom.  Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits. 


Well, it has been an interesting week now. Our internet has been more down than up, so I haven't written as soon as I needed to. Now instead of having two or three articles, it's all pretty much run into one. Hopefully that won't make things too confusing for anyone but me. :)

If you haven't read about our gut-wrenching, heart-breaking decision in Our Little Girl, then this may not seem very relavent to you. I can't really take myself through that experience again at this point, so if you need more background, you'll have to read the article. The short version is that Dan and I have decided to let go of our nine year old daughter so she can live with her biological mother.

Last week, on Tuesday, we broke the news to Payton and Ashlynn. We could have told them a few days earlier, but we wanted to wait until after Payton's birthday weekend was over so we wouldn't spoil his fun and he wouldn't begin to associate his birthday to a negative experience.

So, we rented Guitar Hero III and took the kids out for a pizza buffet for supper. We were trying to make it a fun family night. The only problem was that I had to go close out a show so we didn't want to break the news until after that. Unfortunately, I had talked to the teachers earlier that day to prepare them in advance and my son overheard Ash's teacher telling me she was so sorry. So he wanted to know what the bad news was and I let him know I would tell him later. All in all, the kids, of course, are aware of more than we expect and it was not exactly the fun relaxing evening we were hoping for. After I got back from closing my show, I scooped some ice cream for each of us and we sat down to talk.

In situations like this, I usually do the talking to start with and Dan helps me out when I get stuck. We had already talked about this a lot so he and I were on the same page. I knew this would be hard, I just didn't know how hard.

I explained to the kids that Dan and I had made a really hard decision. I reminded them, as if they needed it, that we were supposed to be going to court soon to fight for custody of Ashlynn. I explained how this was putting a lot of pressure on us as a family and we felt like Ashlynn was being hurt. I told them that it's like we have a hold of Ashlynn's hand and Melissa has a hold of the other one. Then we are all pulling and playing tug of war, and it's hurting Ashlynn. It's not hurting her physically like we are pulling on her, but it's hurting her heart. We explained that we have worked hard to build a stable home for our kids where they can feel safe and like they are where they should be. And we explained how it's hard for Ashlynn to feel like she is where she should be when Melissa is pulling her that way all of the time. And we discussed how much Ashlynn has wanted time and attention from Melissa for the last five years, but now Melissa is finally giving it to her. I asked Payton if he had not had attention from his Daddy like he does, if he thought he would want to move if his Daddy started paying attention to him too. He thought that he might. I almost didn't tell Payton that Ashlynn wants to go live with Melissa, but then I felt that would leave her with a secret that would still make things hard, so I threw that out in the open too. We explained that we don't want to fight and hurt Ashlynn anymore, but Melissa is going to keep dragging us back to court. We let the kids know that if we win this time, we'll have to go back to court again and again and again until we finally lose, because that is how Kansas works. And then I broke the news that Dan and I had decided to let Ashlynn go live with her mom.

I knew it was going to be hard. I thought I was prepared for it. Ashlynn didn't really react right away. I don't think the impact really hit her. She wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad. I thought Payton would be shocked and then I would see the realization dawn on him and he would gradually start to cry. But that's not what happened at all. There was no shock. It was like he had already figured it out and was just waiting for me to confirm his worst fears. There was no hesitation at all before his little 62 pound body started shaking with sobs. I reached out to him from the other end of the couch and he couldn't even move towards me. He looked so lost, and so little, and so all alone. He finally leaned towards me a little and I scooped him into my arms and held him. I kissed his head and petted his hair and cried with him. I didn't really know what to say so I just started talking quietly and softly to try to help him. Ashlynn started to cry at this point too. Not the body racking sobs that Payton was still experiencing, but tears were pouring down her cheeks. Dan snuggled her up very much like I had Payton.

I talked to Payton until he started to respond to me again. I asked if he understood why we had made the decision we made. He nodded his head. But I was not reassured enough by the back of his head so I asked him to look at me. His eyes were so red and he looked so devastated. It was a lot easier to talk to the back of his head but I had to make sure he was going to be ok. I asked him if he thought we did the right thing. He said we had to do it for Ashlynn. But then he said he hated Melissa and that she was a bad person. I told him that he can't hate her. He asked me why not. I explained that this will hurt Ashlynn because Melissa is her mom and Ash loves her. I also let him know how that would hurt him too. I told him that Melissa is not a bad person. She is just doing what she thinks is the right thing to do. I had already told myself that a hundred times, but I guess I wasn't really ready to believe it until I told Payton.

Dan and Ash didn't really say much through this, they mostly just watched Payton and I. Ash said, "I didn't know you loved me that much, Payton." And he said, "I didn't either." It was such a painful process and it's really just started. But it was such a beautiful moment, watching them truly realize and appreciate what they meant to each other. They are too young. I wish we did not have to put them through this, but I know they are both coming out stronger and better for it. We started talking about how we will have all the long weekends now, and spring break every year and that Ash will be here all summer. Soon we were all laughing and having fun again. It seemed as if it had lasted hours but Payton handed me my ice cream and told me I needed to eat it before it melted. It was one of those bizarre time pockets that catch you, I guess.

Then Ash took her turn at Guitar Hero while I cuddled Payton. Then when it was Dan and my turn to play, Ash and Payton cuddled up and giggled like they were at a slumber party. The stress of the unknown was gone. The weight of how to tell the kids and the worry of how they were going to take it had been lifted. The rest of the night felt like a vacation. We tucked the kids in that night with hugs and kisses and smiles. Dan and I wrapped up in each other, knowing that we were doing the right thing, and finally starting to feel that way too.

Our Little Girl (Letting Go Part 1)

This was written in the fall of 2007.  I just found it on an old online journal today.  I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom.  Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits.  

It's war. Nobody wins. Everybody loses. So we will surrender. The only way to protect anyone from the horror is to simply give up the fight. Step back. Let go. It is so much easier to fight. But we have to do what is best for Ash and if we keep fighting, she is the one who is damaged the most. She's nine now. And she wants her mommy.

 And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I have been there for and helped her through, I can't be the one who gave birth to her. I have been her every day mom since she was three. I've built two different castle birthday cakes, a princess, a tee pee and a Christmas tree. I've studied spelling words every day of the week for nine months of the last three years. I've spent hours scouring book stores for books that were not only her reading level, but that would catch hold of her imagination. I've taken care of her on the rare instances when she was sick. I stayed home with her for the week that she ran a fever because a full day of school in first grade and a bully at recess intimidated her. I've struggled to help her achieve and celebrate all the little every day successes to build her confidence. In the long run, I hope that all of this matters. I hope that the work we have put into helping her know right from wrong and what it means to be a family will help her become the person she wants to be. I hope that in the long run, we see that we have done the right things and made the right decisions. In the short term, it stinks. In the short term, it doesn't matter what I've done. Nobody cares that she's my sunshine.

Nobody cares what is going to happen to Payton. Or if he's going to hate us for the decision we have made. How do you explain this to a nine year old? And he will officially be nine in another three hours and 24 minutes. He was so angry at me when Saanna left. It was almost a month before we realized that he wasn't just mad at the situation. He was mad at me. He was mad because I let her go. Saanna is my neice. She was 13 when she moved in with us and she lived with us until she was 16. She ran away and we reported her missing. She came home and said she wanted to work things out. Two days later she was gone again. When the cops brought her back, they asked if we wanted her to stay. We told them that we did, but she would have to agree to counseling and if she left again, there would be no more chances. We had our other kids to think of too. She decided to leave. Yes, we let her go. But it was the best thing we could do for our family. We have worked too hard to build stability for our kids to let someone who doesn't want that ruin it for them. Payton and I had a long talk and started things on the right track again. It took a while, but once I got him talking, we were able to work through it.

Saanna was his cousin. She lived with us for three years. Ash is his sister. They have been together for six years. He doesn't remember what life was like before she lived with us. They were in pre-school together. Kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade. . . The hearing is set for December 13th, and they want to move her over Christmas break. So we have to come to an agreement before that. Is that enough time to prepare kids for something like that? Or is it too much time?

I am going to call the guidance counselor at the school tomorrow. Maybe she can give us some guidance. How do we break this to them? Ash will be excited, and that will hurt Payton. It will hurt me too, but hell, I'm already hurting more than I realized I could. And I feel like it's self inflicted, but I know it's not. We are going to have to get some kind of family counseling, I think. I don't know if we can do this again. First it was Ash's half brother, Avian. He lived with us for a year and a half before Melissa decided she wanted him back. Then Saanna left. Now Ash. Our record with kids is looking truly pathetic.

We took in Dan's ex wife's son and his little girl. He had raised Avian from the time he was two and he was the only dad Avian had known. He called me mom. The first visit he made to us after Melissa took him (so she could move into HUD housing), he was already calling me Ericka. That hurt. And after a couple more visits, Dan was Dan. Then when Melissa moved back in with the guy who kicked her out, the guy who didn't want to raise someone else's kids - which is how they ended up with us in the first place - she told him that Dee was his dad and Dan's not. She tried to erase 7 years of his life. Dan was the guy who was there for the formative years. She can say that didn't matter, but she can't erase the impact Dan had on him. But what has she done to Avian's sense of stability in the process? We never even get to see him anymore so I have no idea for the most part. But Ash said he punched a kid in basketball practice when they made him mad. And Melissa said he's in counseling because of how mean he is to Ash when she's there. Sounds like he has issues and we have to be crazy to let Ash go . . .

And now we've come around full circle. Obviously we are crazy. After Ash and Avian moved in, my neice was in foster care indefinitely. I hadn't seen her for four years, but she was family. Three months after Saanna moved in, Melissa took Avian with two days notice. She called on Thursday to say that school started on Tuesday so she would pick him up on Saturday. We all worked together to get through that.

Saanna ran away. We clung to each other to deal with that. We survived. We had Olivia. I felt like she was the mortar to cement the bricks of the solid and stable family we had built together. Silly me. We've had five kids. We will soon be back down to two. Should this be telling me something?

I know, in my heart, that we have made the right decision. Do I believe that Melissa is a better parent? Not a chance. Do I believe that Melissa's home is a better environment for Ashlynn to grow up in? Not on your life. Do I believe that this is the only chance to give Ashlynn a semblance of stability? That this will end the tug of war we have been playing, using Ashlynn as the rope? Yes. I do believe that. I pray that in the long run, we will see that we have done the right thing for Ashlynn. I pray that God will watch over our little girl when I can't be there to do it myself. I pray that the attention Ash has been getting from her mom in the last six months is not just a bribe, but a sign of things to come. I pray that Melissa has finally learned to get past her own wants to put Ashlynn's needs first. I pray that the negatives I see are based on my own bias and that they aren't really there. I don't believe all of these things, but I pray for them. I pray. I have been praying a lot. And I pray that God is listening.

Day 299: Working out hard and working late

So, Dan and I got to sleep in this morning.  It was pretty awesome.  However, we still got our metaboost in!  It was pretty intense.  Even as we started it today though, we noticed that we are both stronger and doing better at the exercises than we even were on Monday.  Who would have thought we would see such a fast change?  This really gives me motivation to stick with the program and hope that it will truly help me to be healthier, not to mention thinner!

We had a good day.  Worked on the budget, played some facebook games, hit the track for some walking (one mile in 21 minutes!) and made it to the grocery store.  I did put a kink in my own meal plans today though, when I purchased some asparagus and some coke classic.

My chiropractor discovered, when x-raying my back, that I have gall stones.  They are not painful, just annoying, and I thought the symptoms were just part of having kids and getting older.  He gave me a recipe for disaster, some might say.  He told me that if I blend half a cup of asparagus with just enough olive oil to make a "smoothie," drinking this concoction would force my gall bladder to squeeze all of the stones out.  In the blender, this did not get smooth.  The little hand mixer thing that you can stick down in the glass didn't get it much better.  I ended up eating it with a spoon.  I had added a little onion and garlic and green pepper to try to make it yummy.  It wasn't horrible, but I ate it quickly and don't plan on adding it to my menu any time again soon.  However, that was the easy part.

Keeping in mind that I haven't been drinking soda on a regular basis for over four years, I followed up my not-so-smoothie with six cans of coke classic in the next hour.  My chiro explained that this will elevate the acidity in my blood enough to dissolve the stones so the can go away, thus avoiding the risk of future pain and possible surgery.  Who wouldn't drink a few sodas to avoid pain and surgery??  What I discovered is that drinking six cokes in an hour is about as much fun as drinking a bottle of soda syrup for a prenatal diabetes test.  ICK!

The good news is that my body has been reacting to this mess and I'm pretty sure it's doing what it was intended to do.  The bad news is, after weaning myself down to one or two cups of coffee a week, it seems the caffeine has gotten to me.  More good news, I wrote an article and cover letter for a chance to be published in the KC Star and I got a new page up on my blog!  All in all, a great day, just finally getting tired and oh so ready to hit the hay.

Day 294: Comfortable shoes

Whew!  Dan and I just started a new exercise and nutrition program today!  It's only 84 degrees out but it feels so much hotter after we just walked 1.4 miles in 30 minutes.  This may not be an accomplishment for a lot of people but it's a big deal for me!

Dan signed up for Reshape the Nation with Chris Powell and I'm working it along with him.  There is a new ten-minute starter routine every morning and then a walking plan.  We're eating five times a day with a new suggested menu every day and quite a few options.  We are also learning what menu tweaking is ok and not ok so we can mix it up enough to not get bored with it.  I'm hot, sweaty and disgusting so I'm going to hop in the shower before I fix a third meal for Livi and I.  She doesn't eat all of the same things Dan and I do, but she loves the opportunity for more snacks!

I have officially drunk 1/2 a gallon of water so far.  That's two of my bottles with two left to go.  Yesterday I hit 2.5 bottles so today, I am aiming for three.  A gallon is the ultimate daily goal though.

Dan just found out that he has lost another 7 pounds!  I wish I could lose weight half as fast as he does.  I dropped from 262 to 252 and now I'm back up to 255.  We are going to weigh in every two weeks so I am really hoping that I'll see SOMETHING.

I figure this is my best chance to make some positive changes.  Dan and I are in it together.  I have prayed for God to help me in this quest.  We have a great chiropractor who also has been helping us with various nutrition and exercise questions.  If I don't have everything I need to be successful at getting healthy . . .  well, we'll just figure I've got it and go from there!  :)

Day 287: The dreaded budget

Dan and I have been working through the month of July to set up a budget and track our spending.  We didn't do great, but we kind of did it. Now, using the work we laid out in July, we spent a couple hours in the afternoon and got out August budget knocked out today.  I finished the tweaking of it as soon as I got home from taking Dan to work.

We are not paying the car payment and we're going to call the loan people tomorrow to ask them to repo our car.  Then we're going to call the insurance ladies and cancel our full coverage and then we'll be able to spend that 106.31 on something we can actually use.  We won't have to lose our phones and we should be able to pay all of the bills as well as get the kids enrolled in school.  And then with the adjustments we have made, we should be able to pay Livi's tuition and I'm hoping we can get her back into dance.  That's a big deal for her.  And Aaron always helps with Payton's sports so the long term is looking like there is some real hope for a change.

We even budgeted in paying off one tiny little bill in full and making a small payment on another bill that is long overdue.

We also have a car to drive for a while and we have plans on budgeting our gas so Dan can drive home from work instead of walking in this heat.

This has been an amazing day!  :)

Day 274: Dentistry

Wow, what a day!  So this morning I went to the dentist for the first time in many many years.  My teeth are in terrible shape and they hurt me.  Apparently they are also making me sick and could kill me if I don't get things taken care of.  Seriously??  Am I the only one who didn't know that bad teeth could kill you?

With so much damage and not enough money, I figured why start if I can't finish taking care of things?  Besides that, how much of wanting my teeth fixed was just vanity?  I was looking at dentistry as a great big want that was far out of my price range.  I didn't realize it was a need.

So, now I have an appointment tomorrow to remove up to nine teeth.  I'm stressing over how I'm going to pay for the work that will be done, but at least I don't have to pay for it all up front.  Edye and June reminded me this morning that there is no reason to be anxious because God's got this covered.  I made the comment that I'm not scared like a little kid is scared and June said, Oh, yes you are.  Edye and June didn't take it easy on my yesterday, but they are sure good for helping me grow up in my faith.  God has truly blessed me with some amazing friends.

Then, tonight, I went to my growth group.  There were only four of us tonight and we didn't even end up talking about the book.  We talked about Sue for a while and we talked about me for a while.  Amy asked questions to her heart's content and Kelly took it all in and supported us.  Amy shared what she has seen prayer do in her life recently and then they all prayed for me and my family.  It was such a loving and wonderful thing.

While I was worried about money and silliness like that, Kelly, Sue and Amy were more concerned with the immediate concerns that I hadn't even thought of.  Kelly is coming to get me so I won't ride the bus home and she headed to the store tonight to make sure that I'll have soft foods to eat once I'm able to eat again.  Amy is coming over after work tomorrow to keep and eye on me and help out with the kids.  Sue gave me her number for any help that I might need on Thursday and she's giving me a ride to house sit on Friday.  I didn't ask for help and it hadn't even occurred to me that I might need help, but there it was.  I feel so coddled and protected.  God really has blessed me with amazing friends.

Something that used to be scary and intimidating to me has turned into such an outpouring of loving support and guidance that I can't really do anything but appreciate the miracles that God has surrounded me with.  :)

Day 270: Disappointment

I sent a follow up email today about the job I applied for.  I received a response that they were overwhelmed by qualified candidates from around the country but after much prayer and deliberation they decided not to hire someone for the position at this time.  They are keeping my resume and application on file for when they re-open the position.  I was really excited about the possibility so it seems almost worse than a rejection that they chose not to hire right now.  Either way, it seems that it’s not where I need to be right now even though I was really hoping for it.   I know God must have another path for me, but I cried a little.

Our Sunshine called us today.  She’s in a pageant in Wichita.  She’s very excited.  She wanted to know if we were going to be there Sunday for the show.  Tickets are $15 each.  We don’t have a car.  We don’t have the gas money to get down there if we had a car to borrow and we don’t have the money to rent a car, even if we didn’t still owe Enterprise almost three hundred fifty dollars for the extension of our rental when we went to pick Ash up for the summer but didn’t get to bring her home.  This is the first time I had gotten to even talk to Ash on the phone for over a month and all I can do is disappoint her.  When I passed the phone off to Payton, I cried a little more.

We went to McDonald’s for supper.  This is our first dinner out together in a couple of weeks now.  We had dollar menu burgers, fries and drinks and then we splurged a bit on the ice cream.  Dan had a frozen strawberry lemonade, Payton had a small chocolate shake and Livi had a small vanilla shake.  I ordered a snack sized Rollo McFlurry, but the ice cream was too soft.  I tried not to cry again.  Fail.

On our way out the door to get the free Redbox we had a coupon for, people were getting McFlurries.  Dan went back in and got me some ice cream while I checked out our movie.  I ate my melting ice cream on the way across the parking lot to Target and tried not to drip all over my new shirt.  I finished eating my Rollo/vanilla soup as we hunted for fans.  We don’t shop at Target much, so of course we checked in all the wrong places first.  We finally found a fan.  We used our Visa gift card that our good Samaritan gave us to get an oscillating floor fan that’s tall enough to blow the cool air from the wall unit AC over the back of the couch into the rest of the apartment.  We sat down to wait on a bench in the shade for 20 minutes until the last bus of the night would show up across the parking lot.  That’s when Regan and Dan drove by.  It’s there anniversary and they had left kids with grandparents, had a nice dinner out and were heading home.  Regan dropped her Dan off at home and then came back to take us home. 

My Dan turned on the PlayStation as soon as he walked in the door and Livi helped me put the fan together.   Dan and Payton can’t play online because our internet has been so slow all day that I couldn’t even check our electric bill online.

Dan and I are wearing new clothes.  My kitchen is finally cooler than the day outside.  I have two beautiful, healthy kids here with me, and I finally got to talk to my other beautiful, healthy daughter.  I’m going to have a movie night with three of my favorite people.  We have a comfy couch to snuggle up on and Dan and I have a bed to sleep in.  My days are filled with texts, facebook messages and phone calls from all of the people who love me.  It’s not a special occasion.  It’s just because they love me.  I know I am blessed.  It’s so easy to see.  But it’s still so easy to see all of the challenges and difficulties in my path. 

I don’t know how we’re going to pay all the bills.

I don’t know when we will see Ashlynn again.

I don’t know what kind of job God has in store for me.

I don’t know why today was so hard for me.

I DO KNOW . . . God loves me and has a plan for me.

I DO KNOW . . . I am blessed with amazing friends and family.

I DO KNOW . . . I have been entrusted with an awesome responsibility of wonderful children.

I DO KNOW . . . that I am not alone.

I DO KNOW . . . God will take care of us.

I DO KNOW . . . God’s got each of those tears that I cried today and they will be returned as blessings.

I DO KNOW . . . it is good to be loved.

Time to relax, enjoy an evening with my family, get some sleep, and start fresh tomorrow.  


Click here to read my prayer for today.