This was written in the fall of 2007. I just found it on an old online journal today. I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom. Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits.
It's war. Nobody wins. Everybody loses. So we will surrender. The only way to protect anyone from the horror is to simply give up the fight. Step back. Let go. It is so much easier to fight. But we have to do what is best for Ash and if we keep fighting, she is the one who is damaged the most. She's nine now. And she wants her mommy.
And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I have been there for and helped her through, I can't be the one who gave birth to her. I have been her every day mom since she was three. I've built two different castle birthday cakes, a princess, a tee pee and a Christmas tree. I've studied spelling words every day of the week for nine months of the last three years. I've spent hours scouring book stores for books that were not only her reading level, but that would catch hold of her imagination. I've taken care of her on the rare instances when she was sick. I stayed home with her for the week that she ran a fever because a full day of school in first grade and a bully at recess intimidated her. I've struggled to help her achieve and celebrate all the little every day successes to build her confidence. In the long run, I hope that all of this matters. I hope that the work we have put into helping her know right from wrong and what it means to be a family will help her become the person she wants to be. I hope that in the long run, we see that we have done the right things and made the right decisions. In the short term, it stinks. In the short term, it doesn't matter what I've done. Nobody cares that she's my sunshine.
Nobody cares what is going to happen to Payton. Or if he's going to hate us for the decision we have made. How do you explain this to a nine year old? And he will officially be nine in another three hours and 24 minutes. He was so angry at me when Saanna left. It was almost a month before we realized that he wasn't just mad at the situation. He was mad at me. He was mad because I let her go. Saanna is my neice. She was 13 when she moved in with us and she lived with us until she was 16. She ran away and we reported her missing. She came home and said she wanted to work things out. Two days later she was gone again. When the cops brought her back, they asked if we wanted her to stay. We told them that we did, but she would have to agree to counseling and if she left again, there would be no more chances. We had our other kids to think of too. She decided to leave. Yes, we let her go. But it was the best thing we could do for our family. We have worked too hard to build stability for our kids to let someone who doesn't want that ruin it for them. Payton and I had a long talk and started things on the right track again. It took a while, but once I got him talking, we were able to work through it.
Saanna was his cousin. She lived with us for three years. Ash is his sister. They have been together for six years. He doesn't remember what life was like before she lived with us. They were in pre-school together. Kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade. . . The hearing is set for December 13th, and they want to move her over Christmas break. So we have to come to an agreement before that. Is that enough time to prepare kids for something like that? Or is it too much time?
I am going to call the guidance counselor at the school tomorrow. Maybe she can give us some guidance. How do we break this to them? Ash will be excited, and that will hurt Payton. It will hurt me too, but hell, I'm already hurting more than I realized I could. And I feel like it's self inflicted, but I know it's not. We are going to have to get some kind of family counseling, I think. I don't know if we can do this again. First it was Ash's half brother, Avian. He lived with us for a year and a half before Melissa decided she wanted him back. Then Saanna left. Now Ash. Our record with kids is looking truly pathetic.
We took in Dan's ex wife's son and his little girl. He had raised Avian from the time he was two and he was the only dad Avian had known. He called me mom. The first visit he made to us after Melissa took him (so she could move into HUD housing), he was already calling me Ericka. That hurt. And after a couple more visits, Dan was Dan. Then when Melissa moved back in with the guy who kicked her out, the guy who didn't want to raise someone else's kids - which is how they ended up with us in the first place - she told him that Dee was his dad and Dan's not. She tried to erase 7 years of his life. Dan was the guy who was there for the formative years. She can say that didn't matter, but she can't erase the impact Dan had on him. But what has she done to Avian's sense of stability in the process? We never even get to see him anymore so I have no idea for the most part. But Ash said he punched a kid in basketball practice when they made him mad. And Melissa said he's in counseling because of how mean he is to Ash when she's there. Sounds like he has issues and we have to be crazy to let Ash go . . .
And now we've come around full circle. Obviously we are crazy. After Ash and Avian moved in, my neice was in foster care indefinitely. I hadn't seen her for four years, but she was family. Three months after Saanna moved in, Melissa took Avian with two days notice. She called on Thursday to say that school started on Tuesday so she would pick him up on Saturday. We all worked together to get through that.
Saanna ran away. We clung to each other to deal with that. We survived. We had Olivia. I felt like she was the mortar to cement the bricks of the solid and stable family we had built together. Silly me. We've had five kids. We will soon be back down to two. Should this be telling me something?
I know, in my heart, that we have made the right decision. Do I believe that Melissa is a better parent? Not a chance. Do I believe that Melissa's home is a better environment for Ashlynn to grow up in? Not on your life. Do I believe that this is the only chance to give Ashlynn a semblance of stability? That this will end the tug of war we have been playing, using Ashlynn as the rope? Yes. I do believe that. I pray that in the long run, we will see that we have done the right thing for Ashlynn. I pray that God will watch over our little girl when I can't be there to do it myself. I pray that the attention Ash has been getting from her mom in the last six months is not just a bribe, but a sign of things to come. I pray that Melissa has finally learned to get past her own wants to put Ashlynn's needs first. I pray that the negatives I see are based on my own bias and that they aren't really there. I don't believe all of these things, but I pray for them. I pray. I have been praying a lot. And I pray that God is listening.
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