This morning I woke up bummed that I would not be able to go to church. Going has been helping me. It gives me something to look forward to. It's one of my few social opportunities. The messages give me something to think about and have been fairly therapeutic. There was only 1/2 an inch of snow and no wind so I decided to walk. I knew that if I didn't go, I would be bummed and my mood would be off all day. Once I made my decision, I already started feeling better. Livi wanted to go, too. I told her that her legs would get really tired because it's a long way but she still wanted to go. I told Dan we were getting ready to go and he decided to go because he figured he would worry about us unless he went with us.
It's about 2 miles to church. It really wasn't a bad walk. We walked quickly and kept warm. Livi didn't start getting tired until we were only a few blocks away. I really felt a sense of accomplishment when we got to church! I had resolved something for myself and I felt better for it! Dan told one of our friends that we walked to church and he offered us a ride home. :)
I got my coffee and Dan saw his supervisor's supervisor. He let her know that he was not going to be able to get to work tonight. It's a six mile walk and the early part would be ok, but the late night part would be dangerous to walk with as cold as it's supposed to get. He was going to ride the bike today, but he has not ridden it yet and the ice and snow could make that pretty dangerous for him too. His super's super had already told him that none of the staff at the house could pick him up anymore even if they were out and about. They have offered to anyway, but Dan didn't want anyone else's job to be at risk for his. The only way we had to get Dan to work and back was to pay $9 each way for a taxi. He explained that we can't afford that but that we should have a car by Wednesday. She told him that he would have to decide if he could afford to pay $18 or to lose his job. The money we would have to spend on a taxi would be more than we are going to pay for his bus pass this month.
Dan worked hard to make sure he had rides lined up. He just needed help for a few more days, yet she wouldn't budge. People he work with wanted to help him. It seems so unreasonable to me. Maybe I am biased because it's my family that's hanging in the balance, but it seems like there had to be a better way for her to deal with this. It reminds me of a supervisor I used to have who treated me worse the more my employees liked it. Is it a jealousy thing? Is the fate of her world somehow hanging in the balance so that offering a little bit of kindness is too much? I honestly just don't understand. It seems so targeted. She told him maybe he should transfer to a house that's closer to where we live, but he works where he does because he loves the guys he works with. Dan said that we had considered taking one of our guys to live with us at one point. She said that's not an option, as if he wanted to do it today. It just seemed so targeted at Dan that it makes me protective and mad. I'm trying to be neutral and not think bad things. . . I don't know if I'm being realistic or if "My vision is blurred by grief." I feel as if "my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies." Not a fun feeling.
Of course, when Dan told me his job was on the line if we didn't do the taxi thing, I started to cry. I tried not to, but it just doesn't always work that way for me. The lady who organizes the greeters at church, Pam, asked me what was wrong and what she could do to help and took me aside so we could talk in privacy. We prayed together and talked and she helped us find a ride for Dan to work and back today. This is why I wanted to find a church again. Not because I expect someone else to fix all my problems, but when you are doing everything you can and it isn't enough, there is someone there who cares enough to do what they can. I have really missed the community of having a church home and I am glad that I have found one.
I'm a little mixed right now. We worked to help ourselves and in the end, it looks like it is going to work out. I'm very grateful that God has placed us in the path of the right people. I'm also frustrated by Dan's supervisor's not so super supervisor. And with this stupid depression, I second guess every emotion. I can't help thinking of that song that Shay played for me, "I pray your brakes go out running down the hill . . ." It's a funny song unless you're really feeling that way and I'm praying that God will help me to think more positively. I don't honestly want anything bad to happen to her, I am just really hurt and angry.
Dan is at work now. Mike and Kelly arrived around 2:30 and they are going to bring him home too. At least today is taken care of. Pam has assured me that God is going to take care of us and things will work out. I am doing my best to believe that.
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