So, today, I woke up crying again. I did get a melatonin before bed and felt a little more rested when I woke up, but not a lot. Hopefully a couple more nights of solid sleeping will help me catch up. I got Payton and my HyVee cookies to church and then came back home to get Dan and the girls.
Church was a little hard for me. My eyes kept getting watery. Church is a time to listen and think and reflect and lately reflecting is not really a fun thing. I do not like what I see in my mental mirror. Today's message left me feeling like I need a spiritual Radio Shack. I've certainly got questions. The message was called, "No personal template." The idea is that everyone builds their relationship with Jesus in a different way and that there is no right way to worship God, as well as no wrong way. It's important not to compare our spirituality to another person because either we won't feel that we live up to it or we'll look down on others.
The idea of no template leaves me feeling more adrift than I was. I'm lost and I don't know which way to go, but there is no map that will tell me. The only guide I have is the Bible and it's like a compass that I don't know how to use. Pastor Matt always tells us that God is passionately pursuing us. He wants us to hear Him. I don't know if I'm deaf or just speaking a different language.
Reality #1 in our notes is that God makes it easy for us to draw near to him by accepting us AS IS. According to Hebrews 10:22, Jesus' sacrifice makes it possible for us to come to God ourselves, not through a priest or rules, but that we only need a sincere and trusting heart. I feel like I've got the sincere down, but the trusting is not working for me so well.
James 4:8 says, "Come close to God, and God will come close to you . . ."
I guess I just don't know how.
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After church, Dan, Ash, Payton, Livi and I headed for the sledding hill we hit last night. We had fun watching the kids sledding. We were all laughing. It was good.
We came home for lunch and then we all loaded up again to take Ash to meet her other dad and to get Dan to work. Payton, Livi and I went back to the sled hill. Payton went a few times, then I went. Payton and Livi both ran down the hill to meet me and walk me back up. I went three times and hiked all the way back up the hill. We walked to the playground and Payton and I watched Livi play.
Payton kept telling me how much fun it was that I went sledding with him. He said that I never do stuff, I just watch, because I'm uncomfortable or embarrassed because I'm big. He said the first time I went was really exciting for him. The other times were fun too so today was triple fun instead of just normal fun. I never realized the impact that my own self consciousness could have on the kids. It definitely gives me something to think about. It also makes me triple glad that I went ahead and did it. :)
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Whenever I have a quiet moment, I get scared and shaky. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn for help. I can't do anything about anything until Tuesday and neither can anyone else. I feel like Tuesday is a gaping black hole waiting to suck us in. It's been a great day in so many ways. I feel like today is made of a fragile glass bubble. It's beautiful and precious, but it's falling. "My vision is blurred by grief, my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies." (Psalm 6:7 NLT) Even a great day like today is so overshadowed by my fear that it's tarnished. I try to polish the shine back into those priceless, twinkling instants but it feels like I'm eroding their luster. I don't think I've ever been this scared before.
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