Day 2 - A new church

I went to a new church today.  After my epiphany yesterday, I was up early going through papers on my desk.  I found a mailer I had received from Eastlake Community Church.  It starts at 9:30 and 11.  Since we want to go to the Maple Leaf Festival, I figured 9:30 church was better than going to Centenary at 11.

I walked in through several good morning wishers and headed for the info table.  I got a card with a website for the Complete Money Makeover series that they did.  I asked if it was Dave Ramsey, and they said it is based on his stuff.  I figured it can't hurt to check it out for more support.  They had bibles on the table.  I asked what it costs and she said I could just have one.  The last church I went to gave me a coffee mug.  She pointed me to the coffee and donuts and which way to head for the service.  I got some coffee and saw a lady who I used to work with.  She asked how I was doing since I am not working at CLO anymore.  I said that I was still figuring that out.  I said I may end up donating plasma if I don't figure anything else out soon.  She got a closed frowny face and said, that's how life works sometimes.  It felt very judgemental and it was pretty hurtful.  She asked why I didn't have another job and I said that I was staying home with Olivia.  She implied that I could find a daycare if she's not in school yet.  She quickly turned and found a friend she needed to talk to.  I'm not sure why she responded the way that she did or if she intended to come off the way she did.  I figure that's not really relevant.  What I did realize are these things:  1-Dan and I chose for me to stay home with Livi.  It is worth much more than a salary to be able to shape her growth and spend that time with her.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of this decision.  2-I should be proud of my decision.  I approached my former colleague in a way that was inviting pity and seemed to offend her.  I didn't mean to do that and I don't need that.  I think maybe that's a habit that I have developed that could stand to change.  I hadn't realized what I was showing people or how I was approaching them.  3-Even in church, we are all still human.  Not everyone will be happy to see me or want to be my friend.  That is ok.  That is all just baggage that I can choose to add to my crummy facade, or I can let it go and keep working to unveil my own beauty.

I prepped my coffee and headed into the auditorium.  I was given a program, offered a pen to use, and offered a free book.  The volunteer at the door said that it's a good book, according to the back.  He said he tries not to read too much???  I said he could always have someone else read it so he could listen.  He did say he does listen to audio books sometimes.  I picked up a copy of "Since nobody's perfect . . . How GOOD is good enough?" by Andy Stanley.  It's little, only 92 pages.  I read the preface in the car before I drove home.  I will probably read more of it this evening.

There was an usher who asked how many of me there were.  I said it was just me.  He walked me towards the front and I headed to the end of the empty row.  Later, another lady sat on the aisle side of my row with five empty seats between us.  It's funny how many ways we have of insulating ourselves from everyone else, even in a place where we should feel safe.  It reminds me of my turtle shell concept.  I really need to work on my sketches.  Just deciding to find my inner core again has really opened my creativity and I am dieing to buy some art supplies.  Acrylics and canvas are out of our budget, but I'll bet I could swing a big sketch pad and maybe some pencils next payday.  If I can get back into my art, maybe I could sell some of it and support the habit.  :)  That has a nice ring to it.  Anyway, back to church . . .

The bulletin told me what to expect:
ONE:  the band will play 3 or 4 loud songs.  That happened.  One of the first lines of the first song was something about how God hears your heart's cry.  I'm not sure why, but the idea of my heart crying really resonated with me.  I know that my heart is ready for a change and I am on the edge of something big.  I cried a few tears over the music.  The music was more like being at a concert than at church but that was ok.  I wasn't sure I would like that, but the words were so moving to me.  They had the words on the projector screens so I could sing along and I didn't even miss the traditional hymns like I thought I might.

TWO:  someone will come up to pray and say "hi."  I guess the wording led me to expect more than the traditional shaking of hands with the couple of people nearest you.  At One Spirit, they used to walk around for a couple of minutes talking to people and genuinely appreciating each other.  At Central, it was short but friendly.  I was kind of hoping someone would ask to pray with me, but I shook three hands and it was over.  I think that they need to change the advertising on that part.  It didn't make me feel more welcome.  It just showed me that most other people weren't any more confident of being there than I was.

THREE:  a pastor will do a talk.  I'm not usually big on sermons.  I typically go to church for the music and the sermon is the part I have to wait for it to be over.  This was not at all what I expected.  Today was the third message in the Thank God for Sex series.  It was about sexual healing.  Although Pastor Matt talked about reasons why we may need to experience forgiveness, either giving or receiving, in a sexual connotation, the things he talked about were pretty applicable to anything in life.  KU was trampled by K-State last week.  It was a 57-9 tromping.  Pastor Matt talked about how many people left at half time.  And more left at the third quarter break.  That's because we lose faith that the damage can be redeemed.  We are fair weather fans, but we are like this with life too.  I think I have done this to myself.  When I try to make a change and it's not working or it's backfiring, I think it's a losing game.  I give up and leave at halftime.  Pastor Matt said that there are no lost causes.  I am not a lost cause.  No matter the current situation, there is always a path back to God and he will help me.  I am worth saving.  He said that too often, we have more faith in the power of our mistakes than in the power of God's grace.  That's not quite my dilemma.  I know that God is there and I know that He can do great things.  The fact that I am alive at all is proof of that.  The fact that I am walking and I have given birth to two beautiful children verifies this.  I guess I don't understand why He would bother with me.  Pastor Matt said that we need to forgive those who have hurt us.  And we need to forgive ourselves.  He said that we may even need to forgive God.  He said that if we are hurting and we are mad at God because we thought he should have stopped something from happening, we need to make the decision to forgive Him.  Pastor Matt gave us a lot to think about.  Then there was a video testimony from a church member who had been through some pretty rough experiences.  She talked about losing her faith and finding her way again.  She said that she realized that God had always been there, even when she didn't feel Him.  But if you can't feel Him there, how do you know?  And how does it help?  She said you cannot give in to yourself.  I had never considered if I am giving in to myself.  And if I am, what does that say about what I am doing?  I got a lot of food for thought today.

FOUR:  somebody will say "bye."  Several people said bye as I was leaving.  All the volunteers were busy helping people getting ready for the next service and wishing people who had attended service a good morning.  I would have liked to see at least one or two people who were available for questions.  Maybe it's just me, but I am looking for a church family.  A church home.  And right now, I am so confused.  I feel like I'm on the brink of something but I don't know how to get there.  I guess I was just looking for someone to talk to.  They asked me to fill out an online survey and I will do that.  There were enough positives that I am pretty sure I'll be going back next week. 

We did go to the Maple Leaf Festival after lunch and it was ok.  We were a little lost though.  I thought there was supposed to be more than just random vendors.  We didn't make it to the craft fair part or the Battle of Black Jack tours or the train.  I don't know where all of that stuff was at.  I guess I needed a map!  lol  We did find a lot of good info about candidates for the upcoming elections, so at least that was helpful.

I feel like if I can get my head and my heart in the right place, everything else is going to fall together.  I feel like I am finally headed in the right direction.