Day 138: Sunshine

Today's Daily Bible verse is Psalms 27:1.

The Lord is my light and my salvation; 
whom shall I fear? 
the Lord is the strength of my life;
 of whom shall I be afraid?


This reminds me of a song that I think we learned in Missionettes. 


I can, I can, I can do all things,
through Christ, through Christ, 
through Christ strengthens me!
I can do all things, 
through Christ who strengthens me,
Praise the Lord!


God knows that I need His strength to get through a "normal" day and Thursdays are always extra busy.  I turned in an app for a 2 bedroom apartment and Aaron cosigned for me.  Do I pick great ex-husbands, or what?  :)  


I felt sunshine on my face this morning and I feel God in my heart this morning.  I've opened myself up to two groups of women this week who are already praying for and supporting me.  I feel like things are starting to turn up.  I have a therapist and a spiritual advisor(?).  I have a cousin who is helping me set up a budget.  If I could just find a good doctor, like Misti, Shay and Angie all have, I think I would have all the supports in place that I need.


I am starting to feel real hope that things can change.  Even as I am feeling lighter and starting to look forward, there is still that little nagging.  I am afraid to hope.  I am waiting for the crash.  I can shove my doubts into a box, wrap it up in duct tape like a Christmas present for my brother, and push it back into the darkest corner I can find.  I can dress it up in pretty bows or hide it behind a room divider.  I can bury it in other boxes or build a tiny little room around it with no doors, like a friend used to do to her Sims character.  No matter what I do with it, it's still there.  I finally have a direction to give to my two counselors.  I need to exorcise this demon, so to speak.  And part of me wants to keep him.  He's like ET, so ugly he's cute.  :)  Besides, if he moves out, who knows who else might move in and take his place?  I know all about being afraid.  I'm afraid of so many things.  I talk to people and tell them things, but I'm afraid to truly open up.  I don't worry that they will judge me too harshly.  I worry that they won't.  That they will see something in me that is better than who I really am and then I will let them down.  


Last night, in my growth group, I shared a level of honesty that I didn't even know I could.  And of course, no one looked down on me.  No one judged me.  They didn't kick me out of the group.  They pulled me in.  I got hugs, prayers, love, support and one lady even held my hand.  :)  I can't even explain how amazing it felt to be wrapped up like that.  I definitely picked the right group for me to be in.  Maybe letting go of that little bit of fear left a tiny little space for God to move in?  That's my theory for the day.  


Thank you, God, for surrounding me with angels.  
Thank you for my texting angels who help me get through my day.
Thank you for the angels who guided me to the right growth groups.
Thank you for the angels who are helping me with my emotions, my spirit, my finances.
Thank you for the angels who have sacrificed of themselves to help us get to a better place.
Please help me not to crash again, like with a sugar low after a donut.  I know there will be ups and downs, but every crash has taken me further down.  Please help me to lean on my supports when I need them rather than hiding from them.  Please help me to ask for help when I need it.  


AMEN!