Last December, we couldn't pay the rent. We tried to keep up with everything else, like utilities and the car payment. My depression was sucking me down into a hole and I went into denial. We still spent around twenty bucks to put some silly fun stuff in the kids stockings for Christmas and I tried to pretend that we weren't going to be homeless. We got an eviction notice in January and were living in a cheap hotel by February.
This year, we haven't paid the rent. We haven't spent a dime on Christmas for each other or the kids. There are a few gifts coming from other people, so there will be a little something under the tree, but we can't even do stocking stuffers. We don't have a car payment, but we can't afford gas. Dan was accepted into a culinary program, which has him SO excited that it's adorable, but we don't have the hundred bucks enrollment fee or the $170 payment that will be due on the first. Even if we don't pay the phone bill and lose our phones next week, we still can't pay rent and have the gas money to go get Ash for Christmas. We are waiting to see if we are eligible for food stamps again and I can't donate plasma again until January. Christmas in Quinter is January 12 and Dan has to be in court to find out how much child support they are going to garnish on the 20th. I'm trying not to get dragged down too far by this. We have been tithing and I am praying A LOT.
The only real difference between this year and last year is that I'm trying NOT to ignore this all and I'm hoping God is listening. Last year, I figured He didn't care. This year, I am hoping that He is going to fix something. I understand that He CAN fix this, I just also know that sometimes He doesn't. I know that God will give us what we need, however, I'm afraid of the difference of opinion between what I think I need and what He thinks we need.
I can't deal with the idea of having to tell Payton that we can't see Ash for Christmas. Or having to call Momma and Daddy and say we won't be seeing them in January. I can't stand the thought of seeing Dan crushed if we can't get him to school now that he's finally got hope again. I'm not getting excited about Christmas dinner, I'm just glad Dan will get to eat at work and I'm hoping Livi and I can scrounge something up. I don't know if I can make it through this again.
December is the most terrible, awful, no-good, very bad Monday ever, all stretched out to cover a whole month. Every year. Everyone says that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't feel any stronger. I feel like I'm going to shatter into a bazillion teeny-tiny little pieces. How can I tell my kids that God is going to take care of them when I can't even figure out how this faith thing works? I ask God to take care of our family, I give to my church, I tell God, "You have got to cover this, because I don't know how." I don't know how to trust Him to take care of it. I don't know how to not beat myself up for not having a job. We agreed I would stay home with Livi, but this is not working and I can't fix it. I can't even get a job because of my last two jobs ending in a questionable manner. I forgot our SRS appointment when the car broke down and we still don't have food stamps again.
In a way, it's way scarier to have hope than to give up. Last year, I knew we were gonna be homeless because I couldn't see any other scenario. This year, I hope that there is another plan that I just don't see. But what if there isn't? What if it's in God's plan for me to be just a little more humble? A lot of people say things about how much richer we are than other countries. I know that's supposed to make me feel more grateful for what I have. I am so glad I have Dan and Payton and Livi and that we are all healthy. I truly am. But hearing of how much better this is than in some other places doesn't make me feel guilty for living in the lap of luxury. It makes me feel guilty that I don't feel as bad as I think I should for those poor people living in other places. Sometimes, I am not as nice a person as I want to think that I am.
Somebody bought me a pair of boots last week. They were cute and warm and didn't fit so I had to trade them in for guy boots that will keep my toes warm. It's awesome to have warm shoes again and it touched my heart when a group of folks at my church donated warm socks to the homeless shelter this year. Today, a friend of mine gave the socks she was wearing to someone with cold, wet feet. I love being around people with such a love that strives to understands the needs of others at a real level. It helps me a little to know that there are loving people out there who are doing all they can for others. It's amazing to know them. I wish I could get my Christmas spirit revved up to do the same. It's hard to look to how you can help someone else when you can't even help your own kids.
Lord, help us. We need it. Please get this. Please fix this in such a way as to carry us into a better place. Please don't let us go through this again. I know Livi wants to live in a motel again, but I really really don't. I'm doing the best I can, but you know that's not very good. I'm not good at faith. I am trying. I've made it to hope. That's a big step for me. I'm sorry I don't trust you yet. Maybe next year? Amen.
