Last week, I mismanaged our grocery budget. We get $150 per week, but we had eaten out and splurged on some things so by Sunday evening, we only had a couple of bucks left. We hadn't gone shopping for the week and I didn't know what we were going to do. I hadn't talked to Dan about it yet, so I really had only been worrying on it myself. I was also stressing about our internet. We have been on Lifeline internet since we had been on food stamps a couple years back. We were paying $0.64 a month since Midco took over the internet service last summer. We got a letter that starting in May, we were going to need to reapply for the Lifeline. Well, since we both have better jobs now, I knew we were no longer eligible and I didn't know how much it would cost us to start paying for the service we were receiving, but our budget doesn't have a lot of wiggle room right now. We have $90 in savings and are lucky to put an extra $25 in a month. My mind was not in a great place.

Livi and I have a routine that we started a couple of months ago where we read a devotion every night and then say our prayers and chat a little before bed. That night, I was struggling to stay focused and positive about things. When we were saying our nightly prayers my mind wandered to my stresses. By the time Livi was ready to tell me good night, I was blinking back tears. So, even though she was laying beside me on the bed and couldn't see my face, my voice gave me away. 

When she asked what was wrong, I wanted to tell her that I was fine, but I didn't want to lie to her. I didn't want to tell her that because I couldn't say no when I should have, we were out of food money. I didn't want to show her that I had messed up and make her feel insecure. I was ashamed of our food shortage because I was the one who said, "Let's go to Slim Chicken's for dinner," because it's easy and close. My depression was telling me what a miserable mom I was and I didn't want her to see that. But I try not to lie to my kids. Even when I don't like the truth. 

I shouldered my courage and got ready for her to see the raw truth about her momma. I should have realized that my depression was skewing my vision and that Livi's eyes see the world through a whole lot brighter lens.

Livi listened intently while I told her what was going on. Then told me it was ok. She said she was creative and would come up with food ideas from what we had. She asked if I trusted her to figure stuff out and she told me to wait while she headed to the kitchen. She came back in a few minutes later. She was excited that she had things all figured out. 

She told me that we have macaroni and cheese. Enough that we could eat it every night that week. And she could eat lunch at school. We had eggs for breakfast for Dad and I. We had tortillas in the fridge that I could take to work with peanut butter for lunch and we would buy a bag of burritos for Dad to take to work. 

She then asked if Daddy knew we were so broke yet. When I told her I hadn't talked to him yet, she headed to the living room. She told him that we were going to be eating macaroni and he would have burritos because we were out of money. She came back and told me that he was neutral and just said, "OK."

She proceeded to explain to me how we use the internet to play games and watch TV and that's our main form of entertainment, but we don't NEED it. We could live without it if we needed to. She said, "but I don't think that will happen because I know you'll figure it out, Mom. You always figure it out." 

Thank you, Jesus, for the blessing of my Olivia. For her joy in life and her unwavering nature. Thank you for letting me learn from her. Help me to learn to have as much faith in you as she has in me. Amen.