Day 162: Epiphany!

When Kelly transitioned to the leader of the prayer team, she asked if I would join the team in prayer before first service on Sunday.  I had somehow missed that prayer team did this.  I was a little unsure of myself.  I don't do so well praying out loud.  Alone, I feel like a loony who is talking to myself and in a group, I don't know what to say.  In spite of this, I told Kelly that I would be there.


In the meeting for first service, I was a little lost. Ami and Tiff both prayed so beautifully and eloquently. They touched on all of the concerns that we had discussed and I didn’t know what else there was to say. As I stood there, I was thinking, what’s left? If I pray about the things on my mind would that just be selfish? How do I start? Why does this seem so easy for everyone else and I am just lost?  Maybe I shouldn't be here.  I'm just taking up space and I'm not really helping.  At least I know that nobody is thinking poorly of me because I don't know what to say--and what a change is that??--but I wanted to help.  I wanted to contribute.  What should I say?  Do I just repeat the same stuff they've already talked about?  Then I saw Ami touch Kelly’s arm and Kelly closed our prayer as elegantly as Ami and Tiff had started it. I was disappointed that I had not been an asset to the group and was already debating whether or not to return later.  I knew that I had let the group down.


Then Kelly surprised me.  Kelly is in my Wednesday growth group where I have mentioned that I don't pray out loud.  I use my writing to sort out my thoughts and it works well for me to focus my prayers.  I try to keep my mind open to anything that God is wanting me to take note of and it has really begun to help me on a personal level. Kelly asked Ami and Tiff if it would be all right for me to read a prayer from my journal.  They seemed to think it was a good idea and I picked up my journal.


Normally, I do not take my prayer journal anywhere with me.  Or, I had not yet.  I don't know why I brought it Sunday, but I was on my way out the door when I turned back to get it.  I guess prayer group and prayer journal are just supposed to go together?  Now that they were open to this and there was a way that I could contribute, I didn't want to mess it up.  What should I read?  I hadn't prepared anything, of course, and I didn't have anything concerning the issues we had already prayed about this morning.


This morning I woke up before the alarm.  I hadn't been sure I was going to the meeting even though I had committed to it. I was afraid I would fail, and so far I was right.  But, I had taken the time to review my week with God in prayer before I headed to church.  I was just writing for me and for God.  The idea of sharing that prayer was about as scary as standing naked in front of a three way mirror like they have in those dressing rooms that I don't go into.  Except with an audience.  But I knew these ladies.  I knew they were not going to use anything that I said to hurt me.  I felt that God had used Kelly to let me contribute and this was the best I had to offer.  


When I read that prayer, something opened in my heart.  It was like I finally took down that last barrier.  I finally let God love me for who I was, and I shared what God loves with others that He loves.  It was like I had just poured out my soul and it got filled right back up!  And then I realized that the other ladies had been touched by what I had to say as well.  I expected a little reinforcement to encourage me to come back, but what I received was heartfelt thanks for sharing.  Talk about unexpected!


During first service, I went home, like I usually do, to get the family up and ready to attend second service.  I wrote a new prayer for the things we had discussed earlier so that I would be ready this time.  I wasn't sure if I should share the original prayer again, or just the one that seemed more relevant to everyone else.  In our second meeting, there were eight people.  We divided into two groups of four so that we could share more thoughts with God and accomplish more.  I was with Kelly again, as well as Sue and Tish, who are also in my Wednesday group.  Kelly started as beautifully as before.  Sue went next with elegance and eloquence that I can never hope to accomplish on the fly.  Sue asked God to help us all to be open to sharing our own stories and experiences in order to share His glory.  I took that as my sign to read both prayers.  Tish followed up with the grace and poise that is Tish, and then I finished up with both of my prayers.  As I saw the responses from Tish and Sue, on top of my earlier feedback, I began to think that maybe God was showing me the direction that He wants me to go.  


I feel like I can see again. I have been struggling with debilitating depression for years. In those few minutes of love and support I was able to see past the fog I have been living in to see the light of God’s love in a way that was truly tangible to me. I took my Monday at a run. I was not overwhelmed by my full schedule, but tackled it with ease. As I thanked the people around me for the beauty they brought to my life, I was rewarded with even more as they shared their appreciation. I feel like I am shining. It is a miracle for me of proportions that I cannot even explain. 


I know that there will be days that I will be challenged. I know that there are days that I will fall. I know that no matter what, God will be there to hold my hand, and that He has shared His angels with me on this earth. Through God’s spirit and the people He has chosen to use, I am renewed.


Thank you, God for your grace and immeasurable patience. Thank you, Kelly, Tiff, Ami, Tish and Sue, for being the stars God used to brighten my sky.


My prayer for me


My prayer for Eastlake

Day 156: Finally moving again

Thank God for good chiropractors with reasonable rates!  And thank God that I'm still blessed enough to feel the pain and feel the relief.  How easy would it have been to not have trouble walking or have pain because I was in a wheel chair?  Last week, it was a little harder to appreciate this, but I am walking again.  :)  I can type at the computer without severe pain.  I found out that I have curvature in my lower spine and two vertebrae that are out of place and causing pinched nerves.  Dr. Risley says he can fix it, it will just take a little time.  It took years to screw up so I guess I can take a few months to relieve it all.  :)

I have three blogs from last week that I started that I will need to finish up now that I can type again.  I'll post it all up when I'm back up to date.  Hopefully I'll be back to the gym next week.  I also found out that there is a nutritionist here in town at a clinic where you can go for free.  I am going to call in the next day or two and try to set up an appointment.  One more step in the right direction.

Now I just have to get my butt in gear on the budget so that I can make sure I can pay for the chiropractor.

So . ..
Church family . . . Check!
Support network .. . in progress .. .
Therapist . . . transitioning . . .
Doctor . . . ???
Nutritionist . . . maybe
Financial advisor . . . check!
Best family ever?  CHECK!

I know I am on the right path and I know that I can get there.  Now Livi would like to share her insights . . .

,..,/pyjhnjjiii00y8y88t4iop6[]]jh cbyttvrreesececb nti666o60y9bbb.k

fiori98uiiutti

llioweifiiigithkgfb

I'm not sure what that means, but I'm sure it's full of sunshine and energy.  Be uplifted!  :)

p.s. Here is a prayer that helped me through today. . .  

Day 148: Enjoy!

This Sunday's service was the first in a series "How to Enjoy Life."

Being a nerd, I thought that this could all hinge upon the word "enjoy."  What do we really mean by that?  Is this just about how to have a fun life?  I had to, of course, defer to the experts.  According to Merriam Webster, enjoy is an intrasitive verb meaning "to have a good time" or a transitive verb meaning "to take pleasure or satisfaction in."  I'm pretty sure that as we want to take and active or "transitive" approach to life rather than the passive or "intransitive" approach, so let's work with definition number two.  There's actually a third definition of "to have for one's use, benefit or lot" but since it was irrelevant, I was not going to mention it.  However, I know that if I, myself, were to find someone else's blog and they said that there were two definitions but gave me a link to three definitions, I would think that something hinky was going on and they would loose some credibility in my eyes.  So, there you have it, three definitions but only one that concerns me.  :)

"to take pleasure or satisfaction in."  This works for me.  Who doesn't want to take pleasure and satisfaction in their life?  Once again, as a nerd, this wasn't quite enough for me.  I like to know where a word came from so I can make my own assessment.  Back to M-W, we have middle English enjoien or Anglo-French enjoir.  It says that it breaks down to en + joie and that joie means joy.  I think I know where this is all heading, right?  So then I check out WordOrigins.com.  Word Origins concurs on the  French origination and tells us that en means "in" and joir means "rejoice."

Here I was, all pumped up to be right that enjoy really means "in joy" so that we should live a joyful life, right?  Wrong?  We should live "in rejoicing."  That takes it a step further . . . We are not just supposed to "joice" (don't blame any reputable dictionary for that one) and take pleasure in our lives, but to "re-joice."  Again we get into the transitive and the intransitive.  Rejoice means "to feel joy or great delight," if we're feeling lazy and intransitive.  But if we're active and transitive participants in our own lives, rejoice means "to give joy to," or gladden.  Hmmm . . .

So if a nerdy girl like me wants to enjoy life, I need to "live in giving joy to."  To whom you ask?  Totally the wrong question.  It's open.  To everything you do and everyone you touch.  That sounds a little daunting though.  So, how about "to-day?"  If I try to give joy today to those that I encounter, that's a step I can tackle.  And then we'll worry about "to-morrow."

And you know, I know that Pastor Matt shared a great message on Sunday, but I guess I'll have to save that reflection for another day!  It really was a good one!  :)

Day 147: How can it be new AND improved?

Moments

You know I haven't always been this way.
I've had my moments, days in the sun,
Moments I was second to none.
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do.
. . . .
Lookin' at me now you might not know it,
I've had my moments.

------------------------

I have loved this song since the first time I heard it.  The harmonies are as moving to me as the message.  The song just carries me away with it and I'm in it for a few minutes.

Today, it really hit me harder and in a different way than it usually does.  I really connected with it on a new level.  I have been to the point of suicidal thoughts in the distant past, and to the point of thinking that my existence was truly inconsequential in the far too recent past.  But you know, I HAVEN'T always been this way.  I know I've had moments where I truly believed that I was pretty awesome.  I remember there was a time when compliments didn't completely shock me and my first thought wasn't disbelief or cynicism.

I just wish I could remember that feeling.  I can't help thinking that if I could reconnect with that part of me, I could get to a better place.  But, I don't really want to be that me again.  I just need to find a blend of that optimism and energy so I can mix it up with the experiences that have shaped me.  Then with a little "new" me and a little "old" me, I could truly be, "New and Improved!"

Day 143: I still don't know what it is, but I know He's got a plan!

Today was a great day.

I started my day out right by going to the gym with Mary.  It's free and we buddied up so we have no excuses.  It did cost us a quarter a piece for the parking meter, but that's a darned cheap workout!  First we did cardio.  I was on an eliptical and she was on a bike.  I went 15 minutes with a three minute cool down and even went backwards for a minute in the middle.  Paul, the trainer I used to work with, would be proud.  He'd also be disappointed that I was so out of shape that I could only do 15 minutes, but it will take a bit to get back into things.  As Dan said, the hardest step is just to get there.  The rest will be easier.  Then we went to the weight room for some leg work and there was a really nice guy in there who showed us how to use the equipment.  I didn't know they had that.  I was afraid to go because I wouldn't know what I was doing and I totally wouldn't have gone if it were not for Mary.  After the weight room, we walked laps in the gym for another 45 minutes, I think.  It was nice to have someone to do it with.  We talked as much as we could while still doing our thing and it was actually pretty fun.  I'm already looking forward to Friday!

After I got home, I took a shower and fixed my hair for the first time in a long time.  God didn't mess up when He made me and I have decided to start showing that I appreciate that!  I got a few things done online and did some research on cake decorating classes.  I found that they have them at Michael's but I couldn't find any costs or schedules so I'll have to call the store and see what is available.  I'm really starting to get excited about this.  I know that it is something that I love to do and if I can do it to add even a tiny bit of income, totally on my own schedule, that would be perfect. I guess it just took a few angels showing me that it wasn't too late to hope.  :)  Thank God for them.  :)

We had a sundried tomato pizza for lunch and then we watched Raising Hope on hulu once Payton was out of school.  I really enjoy the early out days, even if it does cut into my more "productive" time.  Although, what's really more productive than quality time with the family?

After I took Dan to work, I played a little WoW and then started dinner prep.  I also chopped four green peppers and two red peppers and froze them.  They are now safely ensconced in freezer bags, waiting for me to release them at my whim.  Monday, I cooked up the meat.  Today was peppers.  Tomorrow being Thursday means that very little will be accomplished, although I guess I'll have evening time since Livi doesn't have dance class anymore.  I need to find some more kids her age that want a great dance class at a low price.  You wouldn't think it would be so hard to find. . .   Anyway, I need to figure out what type of pre-cooking I can do on Friday or Saturday to keep this prep-ball rolling.  We haven't eaten out all week, except for the Wednesday afternoon snack tradition, and I feel like we are making progress.

I'm not getting much unpacking done, but we are eating home cooked foods-if not totally home-made, and my sink is shiny!  I wonder if I can find someone who would like a free cake in trade for some hands on training on setting up an apartment?  Something to think about . . .

The kids and I had supper and then played some Little Big Planet together.  It's great that we have games that I can play, Payton enjoys and Livi can play too.  I ended up running a smidge late for my Made to Crave group tonight, but I think it was a worthy cause.  lol

I cannot say enough how glad I am that God used the leader and the host to get me into the right growth group on Wednesday nights!  I already knew one lady, and I've made two new friends.  I am praying that our final member will recover quickly and be able to join us next week.  It's a small intimate group and I feel like I can be totally honest.  It's still a little scary to open up that much, but we all seem to be so connected and we are all working towards the same goals that it's been pretty amazing.

Both of my groups this week talked about Eve.  Both groups touched on how Eve was tempted by Satan through food.  She was spoiled beyond all imagining, yet she wanted more.  I'm not quite so spoiled as that, so I suppose it's only logical that I might be tempted by the vast majority of things in the world that I do not possess.  Honestly, after this past couple of months and our stint among the statistics as the homeless population, I don't care about any of our stuff the way I used to.  A place to live, yes, the minor stuff seems much more minor than it ever has before.

But back to Eve and food.  Well, I'm done with Eve for now, so back to food!  :)  Lysa TerKeurst asked a question that seems almost silly in the asking because you KNOW what the right answer is.  It's not silly because that was NOT the honest answer for me.  "Is it possible that we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?"  Wow.  She said that she realized that she craved food more than she craved God.  That she turned to food for solace and reward.  It was her comfort and joy.  It was what she wanted when she was stressed, sad and even happy.  And she totally nailed me on that one.
I can't think of a time, before maybe yesterday, that I said, "Man, I am so stressed!  I need to pray!"  Oh, no. It was the ice cream calling, or lately, the donuts.  Even my creamy coffee goodness.  My relationship with food is totally out of whack, but my relationship with God?  I used to say that we weren't on speaking terms.  Which means that I wasn't talking to or listening to Him.  Obviously He's been biding His time because when I finally began to wonder if I should be listening to Him, the floodgates of support have opened up.  I am finally starting to understand what Pastor Matt means when he says that God is "passionately pursuing" me.  I mean, I guess if you gotta have a stalker . . . right?  :)

So my biggest scariest thought from today that I've already prayed about and will surely pray some more is that:

If I am using food as my own reward and for comfort rather than turning to God all the time, what am I teaching my kids?  We can have candy or donuts if we are good.  We can go to Dairy Queen together as a family function.  We can need sugar on a rough day and an expensive dinner when something good happens.  Woah!

Dear God, help me save my kids from my own fate that I have been willfully dragging them into with me.  As you help me learn to love you more than I love my comfort foods, help my kids to learn this too.  Amen.

Day 142: Bad Girls

Tonight was my bad girls' club.  We are studying the Bad Girls of the Bible. We read the first two chapters.


Chapter one is all about Eve, the original bad girl.  Honestly, I have never really had any connection to Eve before. What Liz Curtis Higgs does, she starts us with a fictional rendition of the same old story we've heard so many times before.  Liz displayed Eve as an innocent young girl who has always done exactly what her Daddy asked of her.  She has never strayed from the choices He has given her because it's never really crossed her mind.  There are so many other things to attend to, who cares about that one little thing that Daddy said not to do anyway?


Then this sly, sneaky, "gentleman" appears and causes her to question.  He twists her words and her Daddy's words. Next thing she knows, she's so confused about what's going on that she's stopped thinking on her own and just following along.  She takes what is offered, and to add to her sin, she offers it to Adam.


Having grown up rather sheltered in a very small Christian town, attending church every Sunday and behaving, in general, in the way that I was expected to behave, this version of the story resonated a bit more with me than the original.  We talked about various aspects of the story and we picked apart all of Eve's mistakes.  Then we got to Adam.


In the Bible it says simply that Eve " . . .gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it."  Genesis 3:6.  It doesn't state that he discussed it or questioned, but just that he took it and he ate it.  This made me think of a discussion I just had with Dan.


Dan and I are both trying to watch our budget and spend less money on dumb things.  One of us is trying to eat more healthy foods, and trying to convince the other of what a great idea this is.  We tend to be each others' greatest weakness.  I can go all day without spending money on fast food or my coffees and think what a great job I'm doing.  I can tell the kids, nope, no McDonald's.  Then Dan gets off work.  He says, "Hey, let's hit McD's for a soda and a McDouble."  And I say, OK.  It works both ways.  Adam did it then, and we still do it now.  Now that we've had the chat, we are working together more than we were before and we have done very well.  It's only been a couple days, but, hey . . . baby steps.  :) 

We also talked about blame.  When God spoke to Adam and Eve about what they had done, "the man said, 'The woman you put here with me--she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."  Genesis 3:12.  In one simple sentence, Adam blamed both Eve and even God for his mistake.   I had never looked at it this way and thought, Wow!  To blame God even?  I can't even imagine doing that!  And then Liz hit me again.  "It's your fault, Lord.  You made me this way!"  Now that little thought is one that I may not have tried out word for word, but it was close enough!  I've thought, "But God knows that this is hard for me," or "God knows that I try and He understands."  Those are some pretty lame excuses.  I hadn't really looked at it from that perspective before.  That Liz is one smart chic . . .


And thank God that He inspired Liz for this last little sentence.  I am going to write this on a sticky note and put it on my mirror to see first thing in the morning. And on my fridge to see before I have a poorly chosen snack.  


"God gave us His Spirit to empower us, His Word to strengthen us, and His Son to catch us when we fall."  


Even though we are weak enough that we still make some pretty dumb choices, in the long run, how can we fail with backup like that?

Day 141: Real Life education

So, I just spent 15 minutes chatting with Erin at the Art Institutes about the culinary programs at the KC school.  During that time, I got no information, she answered no questions.  She updated my address and asked me if she could have an admissions advisor call me.  After 20 minutes on the phone with John, I still don't know anything about their program.  He said that I need to come in to the school for a 90 minute interview.  I asked if whoever I talk to then will give me any info. He said that he is the person I will be meeting with.  

He asked if my career wasn't worth 90 minutes of my time.  I said, I have already wasted an hour to get no useful information.  I have no problem spending the 90 minutes, plus an hour of driving, if I can learn what I need to know.  He said, our students are hands on and our students need to see the school so that they can know if this is right for them.  Aren't you a hands on learner?

I don't need this guy to talk to me like I'm stupid and I don't need him to waste my time.  When I can't get any info up front or in writing, I feel like someone is trying to scam me.  I honestly don't care about getting a degree.  I've already got one. It's very nice.  All I want is to be able to learn how to make the cool sugar flowers, how to work with fondant and all those other nifty little tricks that can take my cake designs to a level worthy of being paid for.  I guess I need to look for alternative education.  Maybe if I can find a bakery that does all the cool stuff I want to learn, I could do an internship or something.  Why don't they have a reality show where I can learn to do all the cool stuff with a cake that I can think up?  I just need a pastry art teacher to help me with my techniques.  

I'm going to buy a tub of fondant.  Duff makes some that they carry at Michaels and I figure that should be as good as it gets, right?  You tube might have some videos on making the sugary glass.  I'm just going to start and see where things go.  I have a kitchen and artistic vision.  Let's get started!

Day 139:

Today's daily verse kind of struck me.  We talked about this verse in my growth group on Wednesday and I've heard it a million times.  I don't remember hearing the last little bit of this verse and it totally changed my perspective on this.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

19  Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, 20  for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God in your body.

When you are eating and drinking, sure, consider what you put into your body because you don't want to hurt God's temple, right?  But, that last little bit . . . Glorify God . . . I think that goes beyond not eating bad stuff.  That implies that I should be caring for my physical body in a way that I don't.  I don't think it means I need to start wearing makeup, but maybe I should care about how I look a little more.  Because when I look a mess because I didn't care enough to do more than the bare minimums to survive, that's not just a reflection on me.  It's a reflection on my family and it's a reflection on God.

So, I'm still not thinking I'm going to try to turn into a fashionista over night.  But I do think that if I start to truly think of myself as God's temple, as a physical representation of His love on this earth, maybe I can use that to start to care about myself again.  I remember a time when I did love me.

Day 138: Sunshine

Today's Daily Bible verse is Psalms 27:1.

The Lord is my light and my salvation; 
whom shall I fear? 
the Lord is the strength of my life;
 of whom shall I be afraid?


This reminds me of a song that I think we learned in Missionettes. 


I can, I can, I can do all things,
through Christ, through Christ, 
through Christ strengthens me!
I can do all things, 
through Christ who strengthens me,
Praise the Lord!


God knows that I need His strength to get through a "normal" day and Thursdays are always extra busy.  I turned in an app for a 2 bedroom apartment and Aaron cosigned for me.  Do I pick great ex-husbands, or what?  :)  


I felt sunshine on my face this morning and I feel God in my heart this morning.  I've opened myself up to two groups of women this week who are already praying for and supporting me.  I feel like things are starting to turn up.  I have a therapist and a spiritual advisor(?).  I have a cousin who is helping me set up a budget.  If I could just find a good doctor, like Misti, Shay and Angie all have, I think I would have all the supports in place that I need.


I am starting to feel real hope that things can change.  Even as I am feeling lighter and starting to look forward, there is still that little nagging.  I am afraid to hope.  I am waiting for the crash.  I can shove my doubts into a box, wrap it up in duct tape like a Christmas present for my brother, and push it back into the darkest corner I can find.  I can dress it up in pretty bows or hide it behind a room divider.  I can bury it in other boxes or build a tiny little room around it with no doors, like a friend used to do to her Sims character.  No matter what I do with it, it's still there.  I finally have a direction to give to my two counselors.  I need to exorcise this demon, so to speak.  And part of me wants to keep him.  He's like ET, so ugly he's cute.  :)  Besides, if he moves out, who knows who else might move in and take his place?  I know all about being afraid.  I'm afraid of so many things.  I talk to people and tell them things, but I'm afraid to truly open up.  I don't worry that they will judge me too harshly.  I worry that they won't.  That they will see something in me that is better than who I really am and then I will let them down.  


Last night, in my growth group, I shared a level of honesty that I didn't even know I could.  And of course, no one looked down on me.  No one judged me.  They didn't kick me out of the group.  They pulled me in.  I got hugs, prayers, love, support and one lady even held my hand.  :)  I can't even explain how amazing it felt to be wrapped up like that.  I definitely picked the right group for me to be in.  Maybe letting go of that little bit of fear left a tiny little space for God to move in?  That's my theory for the day.  


Thank you, God, for surrounding me with angels.  
Thank you for my texting angels who help me get through my day.
Thank you for the angels who guided me to the right growth groups.
Thank you for the angels who are helping me with my emotions, my spirit, my finances.
Thank you for the angels who have sacrificed of themselves to help us get to a better place.
Please help me not to crash again, like with a sugar low after a donut.  I know there will be ups and downs, but every crash has taken me further down.  Please help me to lean on my supports when I need them rather than hiding from them.  Please help me to ask for help when I need it.  


AMEN!

Day 137:

So I have this app . . .  lol  Really, I do. It's called Daily Bible and it gives me a verse to read every morning.  There are also passages so that I can read them and finish up the whole bible in a year and all that.  Mostly, I just have time to read the one or two verses.  Today was Galatians 6:9-10.

9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.  10 So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially those who are in the household of faith.

I get tired.  Some days I give up. I know that we're supposed to see rewards for our good deeds in "due season," but I can't help but wonder if that season is Heaven. I know that if I make it there, all of this struggling and frustration will become insignificant.  On a theoretical level, I completely understand that.  On a practical level, I just can't quite grasp the enormity of that.  I know it's superficial, but it seems awful hard to hold out that long.

Need more therapy . . . lol

Today, I am going to focus on Livi and what will make her day more fun.  Then maybe all the rest of this will be easier to swallow.  So much waiting.  Waiting for the body shop to call us back.  Waiting for the insurance adjuster to decide who is paying for what and if we're going to have to pay the $500 deductible to get our car fixed.  Waiting to find out if we need a cosigner to get an apartment and if I have to make a road trip to get one.

May God help us all through the day ahead.  He knows that I, for one, can't do it without him.

Day 136: Pee on his shoes

Dan and I were having a theological discussion the other night.  That's a little strange in and of itself as he's always been less than open to these conversations, but "times, they are a changin'."  Payton has told me a couple of times now that God just doesn't want us to be happy.  I think that he's joking but I still try to reassure him that this is not the case.  That's kind of what started our talk.  I feel horrible that Payton might truly believe this.  And I feel even more horrible that our homeless status is my own fault.

I guess that's not entirely true as I don't know how things would have turned out had I handled things differently. I know that we could not pay all of the rent, so I paid everything else.  I didn't know how to handle it, so I didn't.  I was waiting for an eviction notice and looking for a new place, but the eviction came first.  This is a major issue that I have.  When life is overwhelming, my brain goes into hiding.  I'm trying to work on this.  Another thing I'm working on is to try to see my own positives.  The good news is, we didn't loose our heat, our car, the insurance or our phone.

And now back to our previously scheduled conversation . . .

People always say that when you are going through a hard time, you are being tested.  I said, but if we are being tested, I have already failed miserably.  The test should be over now.  Dan had a different theory.  He said, "But God's not the one doing the testing.  If the devil is doing the testing, then he's all about kicking the broken dog when he's already on the floor.  So what you have to do is pee on his shoes!  And then, when he reaches down to punish you, you bite his hand!"

Such is the world according to my Dan.  No wonder I love him so much!  God gave him to me to give me perspective.  :)