TMI Warning! This post contains highly personal details that may be disturbing to some. I know I am not the only person feeling these things, so I will share anyway. I will be as tasteful as possible and my intention is not to offend. I will mark the offending passage so you can skip it if you like. Thank you.
Exactly four weeks ago today, Dan and I completely changed our eating habits and began the Paleo lifestyle. Dan likes to research and so he dug up info on all kinds of diet changes and figured that this would be the best fit for our needs. It was easy to tweak so that we each could make adjustments for our individual health and the kids would not need completely separate meals.
I have to admit, after so many different diets and workout programs that were a bust, I did not exactly have my hopes up for great results. However, Dan's a great cook and started planning menus and helping more with the grocery shopping. This made it a lot easier for me to stick with the program since all I had to do was eat. :) Then Dan suggested that he take over the vision card with our food assistance.
My first reaction was, "NO! I MUST MAINTAIN THE FACADE OF ULTIMATE CONTROL OF ALL THINGS!"
I didn't say this out loud, and once I mulled it over for a second or two, I realized that this was doable. A week later, I couldn't thank him enough for lifting such a huge amount of stress off of me that I hadn't even realized I was carrying.
The first week was hard. I was crashing bad from the lack of carbs and was crazy tired. Add sugar withdrawals to that and you have one very grumpy Eeka. I started working out of my funk about the time Dan hit his. How bad were these crashes for us? Let's just say that if we hit these lows at the same time and there was no reasonable thought between us, someone would have been sleeping in the car! But, we've been through this type of thing before, so we knew it was temporary and we continued to work past it.
As we completed our second week, we were both finally back on an even keel and the worst of the physical cravings were over. We have been eating so much better since we made this change, mainly because we are starting with whole foods and cooking at home. We've spent far less eating out, even though our grocery bill has barely increased. Week three, we realized that we are eating far less food at one time, Dan's love handles had flattened out and his tummy had shrunk. POOP ALERT: The only change I had noticed in myself was that my poop was solid and floaty instead of mushy and sinking as I was used to. I was feeling better by eating better foods, but I was still breaking out the magnifying glass to try to find any sign of outward change.
***TMI***TMI***TMI***
On the fourth Monday of our new life, my period started. As I put in my tampon, I realized that it was easier to place because there was no longer an extra layer of fat guarding the gates. I have also developed heat rashes from time to time in the area where the lower tummy, a.k.a. front butt, overhangs my upper thighs. I realized that the size of the heat rash danger zone seemed to have decreased.
***SAFE***SAFE***SAFE***
Now, these changes were not apparent to anyone but me, so I was very afraid that I had made them up in an unconscious effort to create hope. I spent the week teetering between putting my faith in a false hope or giving up before I got too committed. On Friday, I went to the doc for labs and had myself weighed. When we started, I was 283 pounds. On Friday, I weighed 269 pounds.
I could not believe I actually lost 14 pounds in less than four weeks, just by changing my diet! I wasn't as strict with my food choices as Dan was and I hadn't put any effort into working out at all. When Dan and I decided to have a little one-on-one celebration, we discovered that without as much extra fat in the way, we fit better. :)
Today, we have completed four weeks. Tuesday, Dan will be weighed and have labs drawn and a blood pressure check.
Payton's going to help us get before pics, even though it's not totally before. By the end of the week, we'll know if our body chemistry is doing as well as our weight loss or if we need to tweak our foods a bit more.
It's amazing to have hope of real change in our future!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The other parent phone call
I have issues. If you have read this blog before, or know me in person, you already realize this. So let's move on to the issue of the day.
Melissa called this evening. Melissa is Dan's ex-wife and the mother of our daughter, Ash. I never got around to turning my ringer on today, I guess, because I didn't hear the call come in. She never calls. Like, once a year? Maybe? There are definitely issues in communication, among other things. Dan doesn't want to talk to her, so she and I usually do the talking and play nice for Ash's benefit.
Anyway, her message was the sixteenth message in my voice mail. Ugh! So, I deleted a handful of messages, hung up and called back. (This was so I could see how much progress I had made before I call back in to my voice mail. . . I know, issues.) Message sixteen was short and to the point. Melissa wants Dan to call her back so they can talk one on one.
What does this mean? What's going on? Did I do something to make her mad again? Is she upset because I asked Ash when she's going to come see us next? Is she going to try to keep Ash away from us MORE? Do we need to call a lawyer?
I am good at a few things and I am QUEEN of the worst case scenario game. I have no idea what's really going on, but I can't even think of a reason that might not be bad. I know I cannot be the only person who does this. It sucks. I've had a really good day with the kids, done some productive things, got a nap, scheduled some appointments, ate a yummy steak salad for supper, hung with the kids and Willie. Very good day.
My chest hurts now and I'm on the edge of tears. This is just dumb!
I'm on happy pills and have been working really hard to not get caught up in following any slightly negative path to it's worst imaginable outcome. I have made great strides is almost every area of my life. Why can't I deal with this any better? Even as I'm writing this, it is not helping me to cope like I thought it would. I'm trying not to slide down the slippery slope into a full blown panic/crying attack.
What I do know is that this relationship has never been easy and it probably never will be. I also know that our relationship with Ash has been suffering and I don't know what we can do. I know that we've seen her four times in the past year and this is the third summer she's not staying with us, as outlined in the parenting agreement. I'm not even sure what can make this situation worse and I keep reminding myself that I don't even KNOW that this is a bad thing. Melissa didn't sound mad when she called, but she NEVER calls to talk to Dan, specifically.
I have been praying about this situation for months. I have a great new friend who understands, offered to car pool to western Kansas if we can coordinate visits and gave me the info for a lawyer who I can talk to for cheap. These things should all make me feel more secure than I have in the past, but my neurosis is winning. . . .
I hoped to come to some calming, rational conclusion. Something that would logically show me that I can relax at least long enough to let Dan talk to Melissa before I worry. Something I could share to encourage other folks who know, all too well, exactly how this feels.
I will now begin with my distraction therapy (tv, games, cheesy romance novel) in order to avoid following this line of reasoning to the point that I convince myself that we'll never see Ash again.
I know the problem here is with me, not Melissa. I know that we'll find out whatever is going on and deal with it and get through it. I know that I love Ash to infinity and beyond.
My encouragement for the day--You are not alone. I'm here. I understand.
Melissa called this evening. Melissa is Dan's ex-wife and the mother of our daughter, Ash. I never got around to turning my ringer on today, I guess, because I didn't hear the call come in. She never calls. Like, once a year? Maybe? There are definitely issues in communication, among other things. Dan doesn't want to talk to her, so she and I usually do the talking and play nice for Ash's benefit.
Anyway, her message was the sixteenth message in my voice mail. Ugh! So, I deleted a handful of messages, hung up and called back. (This was so I could see how much progress I had made before I call back in to my voice mail. . . I know, issues.) Message sixteen was short and to the point. Melissa wants Dan to call her back so they can talk one on one.
What does this mean? What's going on? Did I do something to make her mad again? Is she upset because I asked Ash when she's going to come see us next? Is she going to try to keep Ash away from us MORE? Do we need to call a lawyer?
I am good at a few things and I am QUEEN of the worst case scenario game. I have no idea what's really going on, but I can't even think of a reason that might not be bad. I know I cannot be the only person who does this. It sucks. I've had a really good day with the kids, done some productive things, got a nap, scheduled some appointments, ate a yummy steak salad for supper, hung with the kids and Willie. Very good day.
My chest hurts now and I'm on the edge of tears. This is just dumb!
I'm on happy pills and have been working really hard to not get caught up in following any slightly negative path to it's worst imaginable outcome. I have made great strides is almost every area of my life. Why can't I deal with this any better? Even as I'm writing this, it is not helping me to cope like I thought it would. I'm trying not to slide down the slippery slope into a full blown panic/crying attack.
What I do know is that this relationship has never been easy and it probably never will be. I also know that our relationship with Ash has been suffering and I don't know what we can do. I know that we've seen her four times in the past year and this is the third summer she's not staying with us, as outlined in the parenting agreement. I'm not even sure what can make this situation worse and I keep reminding myself that I don't even KNOW that this is a bad thing. Melissa didn't sound mad when she called, but she NEVER calls to talk to Dan, specifically.
I have been praying about this situation for months. I have a great new friend who understands, offered to car pool to western Kansas if we can coordinate visits and gave me the info for a lawyer who I can talk to for cheap. These things should all make me feel more secure than I have in the past, but my neurosis is winning. . . .
I hoped to come to some calming, rational conclusion. Something that would logically show me that I can relax at least long enough to let Dan talk to Melissa before I worry. Something I could share to encourage other folks who know, all too well, exactly how this feels.
I will now begin with my distraction therapy (tv, games, cheesy romance novel) in order to avoid following this line of reasoning to the point that I convince myself that we'll never see Ash again.
I know the problem here is with me, not Melissa. I know that we'll find out whatever is going on and deal with it and get through it. I know that I love Ash to infinity and beyond.
My encouragement for the day--You are not alone. I'm here. I understand.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
That fine line. . .
It's almost eleven, I have to be up at five thirty but I'm just not able to sleep. I figured I better work some things out by writing or I'll never get to sleep.
The last time we saw Ash was in January, when we celebrated Christmas at Mom and Dad's house in Quinter. When I checked with her about coming for spring break, she said she didn't want to come because she was mad at Dan. She said she was upset that he never answers her facebook messages or texts and he doesn't call her. She was also upset that he has so many pictures of Livi on his facebook and almost none of her.
Part of the confusion comes from the android tablet Dan has that shows he's always logged into facebook if he has wifi even though he is rarely actually uses it. We let his phone shut down as we weren't really using it and it seemed like a waste of money, so texting is pretty much out. Anybody who hangs with Livi much takes her pic and tags us, so they show up on our page, but we don't have a working camera and we've only seen Ash twice in the past year, so it's hard to compete in that department either.
Basically, the way I see it, Dan and Ash just need to be together in one place so they can talk in person and work things out. I'm not sure how this will happen if she doesn't want to come her and they don't talk on the phone. When she wouldn't see us over spring break, she wouldn't message Payton or I either. Then about a month later, she texts to see if we are coming to her eighth grade graduation.
Dan and Payton neither really get the idea of a graduation for eighth grade, but I've tried to explain that it's a pretty big deal in some places.
Dan and I got the time off work and Payton will have to miss a band concert, but he's ok with that. Missing the band concert is actually the only reason Payton wants to go.
Payton is so hurt that Ash wouldn't see us or talk to us that he doesn't understand why we should go see her now. Why would she even invite us if she didn't want to see us? I tried to explain to him that if we don't take this chance to see her, we could lose her. For good. He tells me that we already have.
I pray that he's wrong. I see how hurt he is and I want to fix it but I can't. I don't know how Ash is feeling because I haven't really had a chance to talk to her, but I imagine she's feeling as hurt as Payton is. It seems like a whole lot of hurt has come from some kind of misunderstanding that we can't seem to get past.
We're going to Hill City for the graduation. We can't afford not to. I just hope we can all get past the hurts and celebrate Ashlynn's day. Then, I hope we can sit down and work some things out. I know how much we all love each other, but nobody seems to feel that right now.
Dear God,
Please help us all to let our defenses down enough to love each other. Let us look to help the person who we have hurt, rather than defend our shortcomings. Let that love that has always kept us tight bring us back together.
Love, Eeka
The last time we saw Ash was in January, when we celebrated Christmas at Mom and Dad's house in Quinter. When I checked with her about coming for spring break, she said she didn't want to come because she was mad at Dan. She said she was upset that he never answers her facebook messages or texts and he doesn't call her. She was also upset that he has so many pictures of Livi on his facebook and almost none of her.
Part of the confusion comes from the android tablet Dan has that shows he's always logged into facebook if he has wifi even though he is rarely actually uses it. We let his phone shut down as we weren't really using it and it seemed like a waste of money, so texting is pretty much out. Anybody who hangs with Livi much takes her pic and tags us, so they show up on our page, but we don't have a working camera and we've only seen Ash twice in the past year, so it's hard to compete in that department either.
Basically, the way I see it, Dan and Ash just need to be together in one place so they can talk in person and work things out. I'm not sure how this will happen if she doesn't want to come her and they don't talk on the phone. When she wouldn't see us over spring break, she wouldn't message Payton or I either. Then about a month later, she texts to see if we are coming to her eighth grade graduation.
Dan and Payton neither really get the idea of a graduation for eighth grade, but I've tried to explain that it's a pretty big deal in some places.
Dan and I got the time off work and Payton will have to miss a band concert, but he's ok with that. Missing the band concert is actually the only reason Payton wants to go.
Payton is so hurt that Ash wouldn't see us or talk to us that he doesn't understand why we should go see her now. Why would she even invite us if she didn't want to see us? I tried to explain to him that if we don't take this chance to see her, we could lose her. For good. He tells me that we already have.
I pray that he's wrong. I see how hurt he is and I want to fix it but I can't. I don't know how Ash is feeling because I haven't really had a chance to talk to her, but I imagine she's feeling as hurt as Payton is. It seems like a whole lot of hurt has come from some kind of misunderstanding that we can't seem to get past.
We're going to Hill City for the graduation. We can't afford not to. I just hope we can all get past the hurts and celebrate Ashlynn's day. Then, I hope we can sit down and work some things out. I know how much we all love each other, but nobody seems to feel that right now.
Dear God,
Please help us all to let our defenses down enough to love each other. Let us look to help the person who we have hurt, rather than defend our shortcomings. Let that love that has always kept us tight bring us back together.
Love, Eeka
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Through the eyes of a child. . .
Olivia and I have some interesting conversations, and yesterday was no exception. Sometimes her perspective is so clear and mature that I'm completely amazed. I shouldn't keep being surprised by this, yet somehow, I am.
Olivia wanted to know why girls don't have penises like boys. I told her that if we had penises we wouldn't be able to have babies, so she asked what we have that boys don't. I told her we have a vagina. I was beginning to get a little nervous about how far this conversation was going to go.
Then, thankfully, she started asking if the vagina was in her tummy. We talked about the uterus that holds the baby and the ovaries that hold the eggs that might get to be babies. She decided that babies don't get to be born until it's their birthday so that's why not all eggs are babies. I let her stick with that for now.
She was worried that if she has a baby, she might have twins who have their ears stuck together. I know that they talked about conjoined twins in school a while back, so I wasn't completely surprised at her train of thought. She wanted to know how twins were made. We were talking about when you have two or three eggs which makes two or three babies and they all are in their own water balloon. I explained that they can't get stuck together if they each have their own balloon. She wasn't sure if she should believe that you could really have three babies. I told her that I had three babies with three water balloons a long time ago.
Olivia wanted to know who they were. When I said that they died in my uterus and they didn't get a birthday, he asked if they were boys or girls. They were only 9 weeks, so we didn't even find that out.
"What are their names?"
We never named them. We never had a chance.
"Oh. Well, let's name them now. We'll call the boy Junior. The girls will be Buttercup and Kaylea."
I smiled at the this. I looked at her and saw how beautiful she is and felt how sweet it was of her to name kids she never knew.
She looked at me and gently took my hand in hers. She rubbed the back of my hand with her other hand and said, "I'm sorry your babies died, Mommy."
It took some extra blinking to keep the pipes from leaking. I gave her a big hug and asked if she wanted to know any more about twins and triplets.
She counted up and said that I would have had six kids: Junior, Buttercup, Kaylea, Ashlynn, Payton and Olivia. I reminded her that I didn't get to carry Ashlynn in my tummy, even though I love her bunches. I told her that I did have one other baby who didn't get a birthday so I could have had six kids, though.
"Well, since we already have more girls than boys," she mused, "We'll name this one Miles. Like Max and Miles at church. That's a good name."
We got sidetracked after that as Dan and Payton were ready for us to start our running around for the morning and I shrugged it aside. When my sister miscarried a couple years ago, I relived all of this and dealt with it. I was good.
We swung by McDonald's to get some breakfast for Payton before his choir rehearsal. We waited 20 minutes after paying and getting our drinks and never got our food. We had to get Payton to school or he would be late.
"I'm going to come back and yell at them later," I said as I drove away. Tears started coming. "Dan, I'm going to need your help with that."
"OK," he replied automatically. When he looked up and saw me crying, he was confused.
"I'm not crying about McDonald's."
"I know," he said, "You are feeling bad because Payton doesn't get any breakfast."
"No. Livi named my babies."
We dropped Payton off at school and Dan and I talked a lot. I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard time with this. Dan reminded me of the scene in the Disney "Tarzan" where they say you can't name the human or you'll get attached to it.
That didn't make any sense to me. I've already been through this. I've already dealt with this. I'm done with it. I have given birth to two beautiful kids and been blessed to help in raising three others. This seemed bizarre.
Dan looked at me, held my hand and said, "It is never going to go away."
For a guy who wasn't with me through either miscarriage, he sure seems to understand a lot about what I have been through and am continuing to go through. I don't know what I did to deserve the blessings of a husband who will support me through not only what we've been through together, but things he's never experienced. I never did anything to deserve a six year old who understands and comforts me more than so many adults know how to do.
I don't know if this will ever be easier when life brings these memories back to me, but I know I can get through them with astounding support.
I know that I will never forget Miles or Junior or Buttercup or Kaylea.
Olivia wanted to know why girls don't have penises like boys. I told her that if we had penises we wouldn't be able to have babies, so she asked what we have that boys don't. I told her we have a vagina. I was beginning to get a little nervous about how far this conversation was going to go.
Then, thankfully, she started asking if the vagina was in her tummy. We talked about the uterus that holds the baby and the ovaries that hold the eggs that might get to be babies. She decided that babies don't get to be born until it's their birthday so that's why not all eggs are babies. I let her stick with that for now.
She was worried that if she has a baby, she might have twins who have their ears stuck together. I know that they talked about conjoined twins in school a while back, so I wasn't completely surprised at her train of thought. She wanted to know how twins were made. We were talking about when you have two or three eggs which makes two or three babies and they all are in their own water balloon. I explained that they can't get stuck together if they each have their own balloon. She wasn't sure if she should believe that you could really have three babies. I told her that I had three babies with three water balloons a long time ago.
Olivia wanted to know who they were. When I said that they died in my uterus and they didn't get a birthday, he asked if they were boys or girls. They were only 9 weeks, so we didn't even find that out.
"What are their names?"
We never named them. We never had a chance.
"Oh. Well, let's name them now. We'll call the boy Junior. The girls will be Buttercup and Kaylea."
I smiled at the this. I looked at her and saw how beautiful she is and felt how sweet it was of her to name kids she never knew.
She looked at me and gently took my hand in hers. She rubbed the back of my hand with her other hand and said, "I'm sorry your babies died, Mommy."
It took some extra blinking to keep the pipes from leaking. I gave her a big hug and asked if she wanted to know any more about twins and triplets.
She counted up and said that I would have had six kids: Junior, Buttercup, Kaylea, Ashlynn, Payton and Olivia. I reminded her that I didn't get to carry Ashlynn in my tummy, even though I love her bunches. I told her that I did have one other baby who didn't get a birthday so I could have had six kids, though.
"Well, since we already have more girls than boys," she mused, "We'll name this one Miles. Like Max and Miles at church. That's a good name."
We got sidetracked after that as Dan and Payton were ready for us to start our running around for the morning and I shrugged it aside. When my sister miscarried a couple years ago, I relived all of this and dealt with it. I was good.
We swung by McDonald's to get some breakfast for Payton before his choir rehearsal. We waited 20 minutes after paying and getting our drinks and never got our food. We had to get Payton to school or he would be late.
"I'm going to come back and yell at them later," I said as I drove away. Tears started coming. "Dan, I'm going to need your help with that."
"OK," he replied automatically. When he looked up and saw me crying, he was confused.
"I'm not crying about McDonald's."
"I know," he said, "You are feeling bad because Payton doesn't get any breakfast."
"No. Livi named my babies."
We dropped Payton off at school and Dan and I talked a lot. I couldn't understand why I was having such a hard time with this. Dan reminded me of the scene in the Disney "Tarzan" where they say you can't name the human or you'll get attached to it.
That didn't make any sense to me. I've already been through this. I've already dealt with this. I'm done with it. I have given birth to two beautiful kids and been blessed to help in raising three others. This seemed bizarre.
Dan looked at me, held my hand and said, "It is never going to go away."
For a guy who wasn't with me through either miscarriage, he sure seems to understand a lot about what I have been through and am continuing to go through. I don't know what I did to deserve the blessings of a husband who will support me through not only what we've been through together, but things he's never experienced. I never did anything to deserve a six year old who understands and comforts me more than so many adults know how to do.
I don't know if this will ever be easier when life brings these memories back to me, but I know I can get through them with astounding support.
I know that I will never forget Miles or Junior or Buttercup or Kaylea.
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