Day 15: All Hallow's Eve Eve

Today had been spectacular!  I couldn't have asked for a better day.  I was looking online for a place to get my hair washed and trimmed when I saw the writing on the wall!  My facebook wall, that is.  :)  My friend, Heather, invited me to join her Saturday morning growth group, Let's Get Physical!  It was late notice, but A--it's been a busy week and they had to prepare for Brandon's folks to be in town for his baptism on Friday plus Halloween tomorrow and B--no one else was up and finally, C--it wasn't so late that I couldn't make it!  :)  We met at Prairie Park.  When I got to the nature center, Jackie and May were both there with their dogs.  Heather showed up a couple minutes later.  About five after, Heather thought it was odd that neither Kelly nor Tisha was there.  Heather and I headed to the elementary school and found the rest of the group.  After we went back for Jackie, May and my car, we started our hike.  Prairie Park has a great wide sidewalk path.  There are several side trails, both cement and just worn in.  I believe it was a 1.75 miles.  It took us about 45 minutes.  I was the slowest walker, but I wasn't too far behind and Heather stuck with me and we talked the entire time.  It made my day that she invited me and I had a wonderful time.  I felt energized and ready for my day with a definite workout and some great company.  And Tisha, one of the group leaders, is someone I know.  I don't know how I know her or where we have met, but she is SO familiar to me.  I just wish I could remember how I know her.

Payton and I watched NCIS: Los Angeles and then we scrounged around in the fridge and cabinets to throw together a quick lunch.  I had a bacon and egg biscuit.  It was very yummy.  It was not the healthiest meal, but it was cheaper and slightly less unhealthy than McDonald's.  I am going to try to think of some better options to have available when I go shopping next week.  Maybe it is better to spend $3.50 a loaf on the Healthy Choice 7 grain bread that I like and will eat than to spend less money on the biscuits.  And there is also the question of what to feed everyone else because they are not all going to want to eat the way I need to eat.  I just don't want to make three meals a meal.

So, after lunch, the kids opted to stay home while Dan and I ran some errands.  I got my hair trimmed at Pro-Cuts. I found a $3 coupon online.  My hair feels really nice right now.  I will see what I think of the cut tomorrow.  The second day is always when you figure out if the hair cut was really any good.  The stylist told me it would be $6.95 for just a shampoo and she suggested Z's academy.  I'll check there.  Next, we picked up Papa Murphy's pizza, grabbed a little bar of the salad at Dillon's, Mt. Dew for Dan and a pumpkin spiced latte at the Starbucks for me.  I used my $5 gift card for the coffee (which was not as good as what I had at Denny's a couple years ago) and realized I had some Dillon's gift cards too.  I spent about two bucks.  Then we went to Hometown Games so Dan could pick up some card pages.  I read a book in the car and he found some friends to chat with for a bit.  Then we headed home to attack some pumpkins!

We had a good time cleaning out pumpkin goo and carving our pumpkins.  Payton's original idea of MJ transformed from Michael Jackson to Michael Jordan.  lol  Ash carved a monster demon thing and I helped Livi with her zombie.  I did a Jack Skellington and Dan did a cool spider.  We have tons of pumpkin glop to sort through for seeds and we'll probably tackle that tomorrow afternoon.  Ash will most likely be gone by then so we'll have to save her some.  Even with an extra day, a long weekend with Ash is just never long enough.

After pumpkins, we ate our pizza in front of the TV.  The kids were excited since they don't get to do that too often.  We watched Interview with a Vampire, with several interruptions.  I think it took almost four hours.  We took a short intermission for potty breaks and snacks and then we watched Coraline.  We've had the movie ever since it was released on Bluray and this was the first time we watched it.  Tomorrow, we are recording a bunch of Halloween (1-5) and a few other scary movies.  I don't know that Livi and I are going to watch those but Dan and Payton might.  Payton and Dan both fell asleep during Coraline.  lol

It was a great day from start to finish.  I'm looking forward to having another fabulous day tomorrow!

Day 14: Meltdown

I started out the day making phone calls and working on the budget.  I got a running start on the day and felt good about it.  Then at 10, I headed off to help other moms get things together for the 6th grade Halloween party.  There were four of us working together.  I felt comfortable and useful and that I was a part of the group.  I had a little time one on one with each of the other three moms and I really enjoyed it.  We made mummy dogs, prepped pumpkins for decorating, and had chili for lunch.  On my way home, I took a different route than usual and ended up wasting 15 minutes due to a traffic light that was not working.  By the time I finally picked up Dan, Ash and Livi and got my devilled egg costume together, the parade was already starting.  When we got to the school, it was over.  When we all talked about going home and then meeting at the school, I didn't think about the fact that everyone else was within 5 minutes of where we were AND the school.  I guess it's something to keep in mind next time.

At the party, Ash was very clingy.  One of the girls she used to be friends with wanted a picture with her and a boy who used to like her said, "Don't tell me you don't know who I am!  PLEASE tell me you remember me!  Please, please, pleeeease!"  She didn't.  She's got her daddy' memory for names, poor kid.  Even though several kids were excited to see her, Ash was afraid to leave either Dan or I.  She seemed excited about the idea of seeing her old friends but once we got there, she was petrified.  I wish I knew how to help her with that, but I'm not even sure why she feels that way.

I was pretty tired after the party and I tried to take a quick nap.  It failed miserably.  I took Dan to his Friday Night Magic and then hit the ATM to get cash.  On the way, I asked the kids where they wanted to eat dinner.  Payton wanted to eat tacos and the girls wanted chinese.  I asked Payton if he would be ok with King Buffet since we were having Chipotle on Sunday for $2 burritos.  He said he still wanted to eat tacos.

We have been through this same conversation a million times it seems.  He refused to compromise.  I get frustrated because I want to do something nice and take the kids out to eat and I feel like Payton doesn't appreciate it.  I finally stopped in the parking lot.  Usually, this fight makes me cry and then I'm so depressed that I just want to go home and go to bed.  Tonight, it was different because I was mad.  I was furious.  I was irrationally, ridiculously mad.  I was screaming and Payton was screaming and we were both crying and poor Ash and Livi were stuck there in the car with us.  I don't even understand this reaction.  Even as we were in the middle of it, I knew it was outrageous but I couldn't stop.  I was so out of control.  What a horrible thing to expose my kids to.  If I had seen another mom treat her kids like that, I wouldn't let my kids play at their house, you know?  I was that mom.  I don't even know why we finally stopped.  We headed out for chinese and then Dan called because I forgot he didn't have cash when I took the cash out so I had to go to the game store so he could pay for his game.  Then the kids and I had dinner.  I guess it costs more on the weekends so it was more than I thought.  Maybe I was really upset because we shouldn't have even spent the money on eating out.  It was a dumb thing to do.    We actually enjoyed a nice dinner and then we went to church together.  We were all huggy and snuggly and it was a beautiful family time.  Looking back from a calmer perspective, it is crushing.  Was this any different than when Angie's ex was super nice to her to make up for the abuse?  I wasn't trying to manipulate anything because I wasn't even in control of myself.  But in the end, all that really matters is the reality of what I just put my kids through.  I don't want to be like this.  I try so hard and yet I can't be a better mom than that?

Day 13: KaPERs Papers

I finally got my KPERS papers today.  I was supposed to get them 40 days ago.  If I had, I would have been able to cash it out and have some extra cash by now.  I will fill out the forms and get them in.  Maybe I will need the money more next month and just don't realize it yet.  The key to today is to remember that I need to focus on what I can control.  I can't control how long it took Molly to get me the paperwork any more than I could control whether or not I maintained my position as a couple.  I CAN control how quickly I get the paperwork done and turned in to the KPERS office.

Dan's grandma is having a birthday on Monday.  His mom and his aunt are going to spend the day with her.  She has Alzheimer's.  So does my grandma.  Daddy calls me sometimes on days when he has talked to Grandma and she doesn't know who he is.  Those calls are pretty hard on him.  I hope Dan's Grandma is able to enjoy her birthday.  I barely knew her before she started getting sick and it was hard to see the changes.  Two strong and vibrant women.  I pray that we are all blessed with many more days of their quick wit and orneriness.  Dan's mom and aunt will be in my thoughts.

Day 12: Missing

It was Wednesday which means it was a DQ afternoon.  Those are usually good days but I don't have any notes so I can't remember and now it's actually November and I'm trying to catch up my blog, but today is missing.  Maybe I'll read yesterday and tomorrow and figure it out later. :)

Day 11: Pasta and Pumpkins

I have been so frustrated with trying to eat healthier when we are struggling to just put food on the table that I kind of gave up for a while.  Slowly but surely, I am remembering that better is still an improvement over bad.  So, Livi and I had Tuna Helper Tetrazzini for lunch.  I sliced up two carrots, making thin round slices with a potato peeler, and threw them in to cook with the noodles.  They didn't really impact the taste much, but they did add some fiber and other healthy stuff.  Also, instead of just filling up on tetrazzini, we also had organic apples with peanut butter.  So I had less of the bad stuff with healthy stuff added.  Maybe not quite ready for the healthy cook's olympics yet, but making progress.   :)  I also drank half a bottle of water and plan to finish it before I leave to take Livi to school.

I still have a zuchinni that Mom and Dad gave us that I need to shred to add to things and a butternut squash that I will cut into bite sized pieces that I can fry up like the potatoes that I can't eat.  I figure the squash pieces should be freezeable.  Also, I was thinking I will try a few things like that with pumpkin too.  I was wondering if I made french fry strips from pumpkin chunks, and then freeze those, they could cook up like french fries.  It would be a different taste, but I'm wondering how different it would be from sweet potatoes.  And could I make a pumpkin casserole like sweet potato casserole?  Changing to a less starchy option will be much healthier and lord knows we will have enough pumpkin to work with.  Daddy grew some seriously monstrous pumpkins for the kids. 

Payton and I spent most of our evening building a cell from homemade play dough, although I took a short break for tacos and Deep Thoughts.  This was only the second time I've been to the growth group and I already feel like I fit in.  I won't be able to go to the service this Sunday because we are getting family photos and the only spots open were 10am or late in the afternoon when Ash would be gone.    It will be nice to catch up with my Deep Thoughts group so I don't have to miss too much.

I also called Kansas Legal Services today and called the Women 2 Women helpline.  I will be taking three herbal equilibrium a day for the next two weeks.  The lady I spoke with told me that if after two weeks there is still no difference, I should ask for my money back.  That is a little disappointing.  I mean, it's great that I can get my money back and all, but I didn't start this to get my money back, I was really hoping it would help me be healthier.  I didn't really want to go back to the drawing board.  We'll see how it goes!  :)

Day 10: Playing Hookie

I don't know what happened this morning but it was 8:46 when I woke up and realized it was Monday.  Payton was still in bed.  He hates to be late.  When I woke him up and told him I overslept, he offered to help me catch up on laundry and clean up the living room if I just forgot to take him to school today.  Done deal.  :) 

I never plan to do much on Mondays.  Somehow, it always seems like my plans are thrown, so I just don't make many and I go with the flow as much as possible.  It was such a great morning.  When I got out of bed around 9:30, Payton and Livi were snuggled up on the couch watching cartoons.  It was a beautiful sight to start my morning.  We had Totino's frozen hamburger pizzas for lunch.  Definitely not a healthy choice, but simple and fun for a hookie day.  I cooked one at a time and we all hung around in the kitchen munching between pizzas.  :)  After the pizza was gone (and I only cooked three for the four of us, so we did eat a smidge less than usual), we watched Alvin & The Chipmunks, the Squeakwell.  That was pretty much the end of the day off as Dan had to go to work, but it was a really great morning.  I've been having a lot more awesome mornings than I used to.  I am finally starting to change my mind and make some progress.  Go me!!

The rest of the day was pretty typical.  Took Dan to work, Payton worked on his homework, we watched a Fringe episode, cleaned up the living room and caught up on laundry.  Payton didn't try to weasel out of helping either, which he has been prone to do.  I finally got the kids to bed and then headed to pick up Dan.  We watched tonight's episode of "The Event."  I love that show! 

No mind breaking discoveries today.  No major epiphanies.  Just a fabulous day enjoying the blessings that God has given me.  Back to work tomorrow!  :)

Day 9: Jesus and a Jewelry Party

I had a great morning!  I got up at 8 so we could hit church at 9:30, but Dan changed his mind.  He wasn't feeling well yesterday and he slept lousy last night so we opted for 11am church instead.  I baked some Pillsbury biscuits and sausage and eggs for some yummy sandwiches and garnished the plates with some sliced strawberries.  It was a pretty easy breakfast and we all enjoyed it. 

I get into the habit of not buying fruit because it doesn't last a long time and it's kind of expensive.  I just realized how silly that is.  I got two pounds of strawberries for three bucks, which is less than a box of the ice cream cones that everyone likes.  And if I'm eating fresh fruit, it's easier to pass up anything else sweet.  I think I'll try to start making fresh fruit a priority on every shopping trip.

Church today was a new experience since Dan and Livi were with me.  First, we took Livi to check in.  We filled out her name and ours on a sticker that went on Olivia's shirt.  I got a sticker with a matching number and we got a pager to take to the service with us.  Since it was our first time, we got a tour of where Livi would have "recess" before "class" and then where we would pick her up.  She was anxious to get rid of us as long as we promised to pick her up later.  Afterward, I asked her if she would like to come back another time.  She said that this was not the school she wanted to go to because she wants to go to the school with paint.  Once I explained that this school was for Sunday and that school was for Tuesdays and Thursdays, and that she could still do both, she was good with coming back again.  :) 

Dan snagged some donuts and I got a cup of coffee.  I'm so glad they have Splenda so I can drink my coffee with no sugar.  :)  There were a lot more people at the later service today than we at the early one last Sunday.  As we walked in, the usher directed us to a row and I asked him if he was from Hays.  He said that he was.  I asked if his name was Bob, and he said it was.  I never knew Bob that well, but we have a bunch of mutual friends, or we used to.  And he's got such a nice friendly smile and it was great to see a familiar face.  Then Renee, from my growth group, was in the row in front of me.  We sat in the middle today and I think that made a difference.  The music was great, but this time I could hear other people singing the music and I could feel it.  Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!  I found out that while I spent my Saturday with Olivia, the lady next to me also spent her Saturday with her daughter.  I turned to her and said, "Hello," rather than waiting for someone to turn to me.  I put my friend's son, Philip, who was just diagnosed with cerebral palsy, and my sister, Jesi, who is separated from her kids on the prayer list. 

Today's message was still in the series, Thank God for Sex.  This one was about the single life.  Pastor Matt talked about the advantages and disadvantages of both being single or married.  He explained the opportunities and choices that we face either way.  There were two points today that really struck a chord with me. 

1.  Pastor Matt said that maybe we feel like when we come to church, we aren't getting fed properly.  Maybe the service doesn't feed us enough, or maybe too much, or maybe we don't really like what is there to eat spiritually.  Then he reminded us that it's not really his responsibility.  A dentist told me once that six month visits to him aren't really all the important because it's the every day brushing and hygiene that we do on our own that is really vital.  He won't be there every day so we have to take care of ourselves.  Pastor Matt basically said that spiritual "food" works the same way.  We have to read the Bible and pray every day and then he can help us with guidance and direction once a week.  But if we don't feed ourselves, we're still going hungry.

2.  God cares more about PURITY than VIRGINITY.  Pastor Matt said that virginity is like bungee jumping.  You've either done it or you haven't.  He said that purity is a lifetime heart condition.  We may move away from it but we can always work to move back towards it.  I couldn't help thinking how much that idea would have helped me when I was fifteen.  Then I realized that a great friend of mine pretty much DID share that with me.  When we were in high school, she gave me a "virginity necklace."  It was a heart on a chain but she said I could start over.  I hadn't thought of that in a while, but it still makes me smile.  But the great thing about this message is that it's not all or nothing.  God knows we make mistakes and he gives us so many chances to recover. 

After church, Livi and I shared a pizza while Dan took a nap.  Dan had a sandwich on the way to work.  I headed to the park with Livi and called Dan to bring the guys out.  We had a good time at the park.  We stayed until it was time for Livi and I to head to KC.  I dropped Livi off with Aaron and Payton and then hit Cinzetti's.  I love Cinzetti's but there is not a lot that I really should be eating.  We started the party late because we were waiting for a few people.  It was a good group of ladies and a lot of fun.  There was a great ice breaker game that I would love to try out at my next PartyLite show.  Our jewelry advisor has the exact same business cards that I use and we both chose Harrison Ford as a guy to go out with.  It makes me wonder what other things we might have in common, besides being business owners.  :)  I looked at my phone and it was 8:46!  I had to run before I turned into a pumpkin. 

When I picked up the kids, we hung out a little at Aaron's before we left.  I got home just in time to get the kids tucked into bed and go pick Dan up from work.  It was a non-stop day.  It was a lot of fun and I was on a bouncy-steppin' kind of high all day.  I'm not sure if it was from starting the day with church as a family, or I'm just making progress changing my mind.  I think I'll accept credit for facilitating my own great day!  :)

Day 8: ME on a diet

This morning, I had to kick Dan out of bed so he could go play Magic in KC.  This also meant I had to kick Livi out of bed early.  She said, "Just two more, Mom."  I'm not sure where the two came from, but once I finally got her out of bed, she was very clear that it was all Daddy's fault that she had to get up when she wasn't ready.  We were halfway to Eudora, running about ten minutes late, when Dan realized he didn't have his phone.  That put a bit of a kink in our day, but we worked it out.  I had a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and then took Dan to McD's for breakfast.  Livi and I dropped Dan off at the card store and then headed up to Oak Park and spent the next two hours at Barnes & Noble.  This has become Livi's favorite book store for two reasons.  Reason one, they have a train set.  Reason two, they have a "stage."  So, first she played with the train and had to share five cars with about seven other kids.  Then they had a story time at 11.  Rebecca, the lady who works there, started off story time by sharing a plate of cookies with all of the kiddos.  Then she read Scaredy-cat, Splat! by Rob Scotton.  It's a cute story about a cat who is getting ready for his Halloween party at school.  He's got his costume, his jack-o-lantern and his pet mouse.  Of course, things didn't go exactly as he anticipated, but the kids really enjoyed the story.  Not one of my favorites, but nice for the season.  After the story, cookies were passed a second time.  Not a bad strategy to convince kids ranging from two years to eight to cooperate.  The second book was Splat! the Cat.  It seemed a little bit backwards to start with the holiday book and then go to the intro book, but the kids didn't seem to mind.  Rebecca read with a lot of enthusiasm and it was pretty fun.

Livi had to do a lot of compromising while we were there because there were so many other kids to share with.  She didn't get to sit in the chair she wanted, but she was cool as long as I sat with her.

After story time, RANDOM DANCING!  Well, maybe it wasn't really random, since that was part of Livi's plan for the day, but it was certainly freestyle.  :)  If you're never visited the kids section at a Barnes & Noble, you may be very confused right now. They have a little stage area with a big comfy chair in the middle and a small step up that run the width of the stage behind the chair.  It's the perfect place for a beautiful dancer to hold impromptu recitals.  And the crazy part is, when Livi starts dancing, so do other kids.  So Olivia, Paige, Luke and Will were all dancing madly.  We met Paige, her older brother, Luke, and her little brother, Will, at the train set before story time.  Paige danced with her books.  She refused to put them down.  Will would dance, then read then dance.  Luke was only there for a few minutes, but I think they all enjoyed the show.  And I have never seen a child that would not take advantage of having a parent as a captive audience.  It didn't matter that I was not their parent, I watch and smile and encourage them and they were happy.  The show lasted about thirty minutes or so.  Olivia is always fun for me to watch because she is innovative.  She uses the entire stage, she does her own thing but then she'll throw in a first position or an arabesque, she'll use her jazz hands like in tap and she'll throw herself over the chair or step for dramatic effect.  She owns the stage.  It's just another way that Livi shows her confidence and lust for life.  I pray every day that Dan and I are helping her to grow into those things and not out of them.  I don't want her to ever doubt her own beauty for even one second.

While we were at B&N, I picked up a paperback copy of Man's Search for Meaningby Viktor Frankl.  I haven't read more than the introductions, but I am already intrigued.  I will fill you in when I do some reading.

We stopped by the card store and checked on Dan.  He had just finished his first round.  They had free pizza for the players, so he didn't need lunch.  I told him we would stop by again after we had lunch.  We found the Hunan Magic Wok.  I ordered shrimp and broccoli with an extra crab rangoon and egg roll.  I also got a cup of egg drop soup.  Livi and I were sharing our mini smorgasbord and we had a fun time.  As we shared the soup, our waitress, Sophia, brought Livi a small cup of her own so she wouldn't have to share.  Livi dipped her egg roll in the thick, dark red sweet and sour sauce and proceeded to let it drip over her plate to create a smiling butterfly.  We weren't really on a schedule, so we dilly-dallied as long as we wanted.  The food was yummy, the waitress was friendly and we had a lovely meal.  Olivia pointed out a few times yesterday that it was "just the two of us."  It was such a nice day.

After lunch, we picked Dan up for a break from the store.  After we dropped him off, we headed to the grocery store.  This was my first trip to Price Chopper but I had a few sales and coupons.  The store that we went to was on 135th & Mur-Len and it was not cool.  They were out of several of the items I was there for.  They took the "while supplies last" concept pretty seriously and just refused to restock, I guess.  Dan was wanting a steak dinner, but I wouldn't buy anything from their meat case.  Many of the steaks were greying around the edges and they didn't really have a meat counter.  Just a couple of cases of half frozen meats.  I still spent $21.27 and saved $14.86.  With being able to bargain shop like that, I figured it was worth trying a different store at least.

Dan called from another guy's phone just before we hit the checkout and said he was ready to go home.  We picked him up and headed for the Price Chopper at K-10 & Woodland.  It was literally the day to the night of the last store.  It was clean, well-lit and welcoming.  I could shop there often, and it's only 26 minutes away.  It's on the way for whatever reason we are heading to KC, and for every $50 I spend in one trip, I'll save a nickel per gallon on gas at QT.  That's what drew my attention in the first place.  As long as I'm not making an extra trip, I think it's a profitable venture.  We found an actual meat counter with a helpful butcher.  He explained why one rib eye was $18.99 a pound, one $12.99 and another $11.99.  The first was prime, which is the best and we know that's super yummy.  But for $18.99 a pound, we wouldn't save much over going out and splitting at Outback.  The $11.99 was natural with no growth hormones, but we could pay the extra dollar to get the hormones if we wanted.  We opted not to.  He also explained that the meats in the cooler were only select, which was a step down from the choice that we purchased.  They also had a neat chart showing us that the meat at the other store was oxidized and that's what made it look funny.  Good to know.  We happily procured the rest of our list from shelves that had been restocked and we even picked up a couple of things we needed that I hadn't planned on.  We spent $34.62 and still saved $7.62.   Overall, I saved 29% on things I would have purchased anyway.  That's $22.48 that I just earned.  It's like our steak dinner with roasted asparagus, tomatoes and potatoes was free!  And we got paid a bit to eat it too.  :)

We mistimed our meal a bit so we all munched on roasted veggies as a finger food appetizer and followed it up with some yummy ribeye.  We had cinnamon rolls for dessert, not a great choice, but very tasty.  Dan and I watched an episode of Outlaw, the new show with Jimmy Smits, and it made me cry.  It was so sad.  I hope they plan to rebuild off the grief in the future.  Then Livi watched a show and headed for bed and Dan and I watched Sam the Cooking Guy grill a salad.  What?  You don't watch Sam the Cooking Guy?  Well you should!  Discovery Health!

More Grill Stuff
BBQ doesn't have to mean the same thing all the time. Sam makes a Grilled Hearts of Romaine salad, a Grilled Eggplant Parmesan sandwich and simple but great Boneless Pork Chops on the grill.

These were all super good looking recipes.  I've never really had eggplant before, but I'm up to trying it!  Sam is so fun to watch and everything he cooks is EASY!

So, a couple of good points that I forgot to mention, we are going to church as a family tomorrow.  Also, I just got YOU on a DIET in the mail today.  I have been reading it out loud to Dan.  We made it through the intro and we are going to do it together.  It was reading How good is good enough? out loud to Dan as he was cooking that made him think that maybe he would be ok with this church.  I'm thinking this is an effective strategy we can use to work together on things.  Now, if I could just kick this cold so reading doesn't start a coughing fit, we'll be in business!

Day 7: A random act of friendship

I slept in today until about eight.  Then I was up and working on the budget and planning my day.  Mostly just payday errands today.  I did have an interesting experience at dinner this evening.

Livi and I dropped Dan off at Hometown Games for Friday Night Magic and then we headed to supper.  We went to Applebee's where we used to share a salmon and broccoli dinner that we both really enjoyed.  They don't have salmon anymore at the Applebee's on Iowa.  So, I ordered Livi some $4 macaroni and I had a salad.  When we were done eating, Livi started to get up and walk behind me.  I turned to stop her when I saw that another little girl from the table across the aisle had come to meet her.  I'm guessing this girl was between a year and 18 months.  So, I let Livi make a new friend.  Livi and her friend danced in the aisle together for a good ten minutes before their food arrived.  Livi stood next to her new friend and they shared french fries.  Her mom, grandmother and I started talking as if we had known each other for years.  I stood there and chatted with complete strangers for a good 20 minutes.  It's the kind of thing that either Dan or my Daddy would do but not something I have ever done.  I didn't feel uncomfortable or wonder that they might not really want me there.  I just let the conversation flow.  After I left the restaurant, I felt a little sad that I hadn't thought to get their names.  It was such a nice experience for me. 

As I have been thinking of my artwork exploring my inner beauty, I was trying to decide what I should use to represent my strong inner core.  Should I try to sculpt or draw something that I felt is beautiful?  Or should I find an existing work of art to represent beauty in case I can't create what I want?  And I finally realized that all I need to represent myself, is me.  There is still a beautiful, curly headed monster with a heart the size of the sun inside of me.  She's just waiting to be unwrapped so the whole world can see her again.  Having come to this realization has already strengthened my confidence.  Olivia reminds me all of the time that, "Mommy, you're awesome!"  You know, she is a smart girl.  She is absolutely right.  I AM awesome.  :)  Many miles from perfect, but pretty darned awesome none the less.  I think that this newly rediscovered awesomeness is what made my dinner time friendship possible.  I didn't focus only on Livi.  I looked up and at the person across the kid from me and opened up.  It's like there is a whole new world out there and I'm just getting geared up to explore!

Day 5: Sick Day :(

 I came down with a cold last night.  It was much worse this morning.  I woke Payton up and then went back to bed.  Dan took him to school and stayed up until 11 so that Livi would let me sleep.  He also put a 7up in the freezer so it was kinda slushy for me when I woke up.  I drank a bottle and a half of 7up.  It's been a long time since I've had any soda at all and it usually doesn't taste good to me.  It still probably wasn't the best choice, but it sure tasted good today.  My food choices weren't the greatest today, but I didn't over eat either.  Mostly, I rested and did the bare minimums today.  I still took my vitamins. 

Today was Wednesday.  Payton's out of school at 1:30 and Dan goes to work at 3.  We pick up DQ blizzards on the way home, then we watch a show on DVR.  I passed on my weekly ice cream splurge this time.  We usually watch Raising Hope but I guess it wasn't on last night.  That was a little disappointing.  I guess we need to have a backup plan.  Dan was able to take the car to work tonight.  I got to head to bed early.  All in all, not a great day, but not too shabby for a sick day.  :)

Day 4: A tragic reminder

A great man passed away last week and his funeral was this morning.  His wife passed away last year.  His two beautiful daughters are now orphans.  One is pre-teen and the other is a teen.  My heart aches for those two girls.  So much loss for them in such a short time and at ages that are already so hard.  Robert was diabetic and had been in and out of the hospital with various complications for a couple of years now.  I am going to learn from this tragedy.  I promise to myself that I will do all that I can to ensure that my children do not end up in the same spot.  Diabetes is a scary monster that is barely over the horizon for me unless I make a sharp turn in a new direction.  I believe that I am making that turn now and I will use this tragedy to remind me to keep on track.  I need to take control of my health for my own benefit and for the sake of my children. 

This evening I went to a growth group from the church.  A dozen people discussed Sunday's message and how it impacted us.  There was a couple who had not been there on Sunday, so we started out filling them in on what they missed.  We had talked about forgiveness and I really enjoyed it.  I felt comfortable and that I was a valid part of the group.  I just wish I knew how to get in touch with people in the group.  There was one person who was asking questions about what was a very specific incident in his mind.  He didn't share the incident, but I am not sure we fully answered his questions.  I really felt compelled to talk to him as we were leaving, but before I got outside, he and his fiance were already gone.  I don't even know why I felt so strongly that he was still looking for more answers unless I recognize what I have felt myself.  I hope that he is able to work out whatever situation he is mulling over and that as a group, we helped him.  This felt like a good place for me to be.  :)

Day 3: My first new Monday

Payton's ready for school and I have a couple of minutes before we go.  I'm ready to come home and get back to sleep.  I have already taken my morning vitamins and I had a hard boiled egg for breakfast because all of the bowls are in the dishwasher.  I'll have oatmeal for my mid-morning snack and Dan's got a plan for lunch.  I hope it's yummy!

I'm going to start tracking my food again, but I'm not going to look at the nutritional info at least until the end of the day and maybe not until the end of the week.  I just need to take a week and see where I'm going and then rebuild from there.  Baby steps.

______________________________

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the first habit is to be proactive.  This is very much the same as first of The Success Principles, take 100% responsibility.  I know that Jack Canfield cites Stephen R. Covey and now I am seeing the influence.  Taking 100% responsibility is based on the idea that no event is either good or bad, although the results of the event can be.  Jack's equation shows that Event + Response = Outcome.  Stephen's explanation for proactivity takes us back one step further by saying that between the Event or stimulus and the Response is your Choice.  So if we agree that any event is neutral and our response will make it positive or negative, we have to take responsibility for the Choice we made.

What this brings us to is the idea that there can be two equations for any event.  Maybe it's more like a flow chart.  Any event or stimulus presents us with a choice.  We can choose to respond in a negative way or a positive way.  I think that often we don't make a conscious choice.  We just let our emotions or instincts take over rather than being proactive.  We have, in essence, chosen to be impulsive rather than reasoned.  If we don't make a conscious choice, it feels like luck if we get a positive outcome.  We don't take responsibility for that positive choice because it was more of an accident so we do not allow ourselves the personal appreciation for a well made decision.  If we haven't made a conscious choice, and we have a negative outcome, that's because we just have bad luck.  Bad things happen to us and there is nothing we can do about it.  Neither a positive nor a negative outcome will provide us with any personal satisfaction.  We didn't mean to make a choice so we don't feel like we made a choice, thus we cannot accept any satisfaction from a good outcome or blame for a bad outcome.  By not allowing ourselves the opportunity to make a conscious decision, we have undermined our own authority over ourselves and delivered a blow to our own ego.  This can easily lead to a downward spiral in which all of our opportunities to choose are ignored.  We run on emotion rather than intellect and things happen to us.  We lose control of our lives.  We feel out of control because we gave that control up.  As Stephen R. Covey states,  "Because we are, by nature, proactive, if our lives are a function of conditioning or conditions, it is because we have, by conscious decision or by default, chosen to empower those things to control us."

It may be because we are tired.  Maybe there has been so much going on.  Maybe we are weakened by illness.  It doesn't matter what overwhelms us, if we don't make the decision to begin making choices, we can never regain control.  The next reading that I am adding to my own list will be Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.  I've added a wikipedia link to Viktor's name if you want further information.  Man's Search for Meaning chronicles Viktor's experiences as a Jew during the holocaust.  In his journey, he describes how he was able to change his own mind in a way that allowed him intellectual freedom and control even in the midst of the atrocities.  My life has been much less dramatic than his, yet I give in to myself and feel that I am a victim of circumstances.  Learning from Viktor's experience and spirit can only help me move forward as a person.

Day 2 - A new church

I went to a new church today.  After my epiphany yesterday, I was up early going through papers on my desk.  I found a mailer I had received from Eastlake Community Church.  It starts at 9:30 and 11.  Since we want to go to the Maple Leaf Festival, I figured 9:30 church was better than going to Centenary at 11.

I walked in through several good morning wishers and headed for the info table.  I got a card with a website for the Complete Money Makeover series that they did.  I asked if it was Dave Ramsey, and they said it is based on his stuff.  I figured it can't hurt to check it out for more support.  They had bibles on the table.  I asked what it costs and she said I could just have one.  The last church I went to gave me a coffee mug.  She pointed me to the coffee and donuts and which way to head for the service.  I got some coffee and saw a lady who I used to work with.  She asked how I was doing since I am not working at CLO anymore.  I said that I was still figuring that out.  I said I may end up donating plasma if I don't figure anything else out soon.  She got a closed frowny face and said, that's how life works sometimes.  It felt very judgemental and it was pretty hurtful.  She asked why I didn't have another job and I said that I was staying home with Olivia.  She implied that I could find a daycare if she's not in school yet.  She quickly turned and found a friend she needed to talk to.  I'm not sure why she responded the way that she did or if she intended to come off the way she did.  I figure that's not really relevant.  What I did realize are these things:  1-Dan and I chose for me to stay home with Livi.  It is worth much more than a salary to be able to shape her growth and spend that time with her.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of this decision.  2-I should be proud of my decision.  I approached my former colleague in a way that was inviting pity and seemed to offend her.  I didn't mean to do that and I don't need that.  I think maybe that's a habit that I have developed that could stand to change.  I hadn't realized what I was showing people or how I was approaching them.  3-Even in church, we are all still human.  Not everyone will be happy to see me or want to be my friend.  That is ok.  That is all just baggage that I can choose to add to my crummy facade, or I can let it go and keep working to unveil my own beauty.

I prepped my coffee and headed into the auditorium.  I was given a program, offered a pen to use, and offered a free book.  The volunteer at the door said that it's a good book, according to the back.  He said he tries not to read too much???  I said he could always have someone else read it so he could listen.  He did say he does listen to audio books sometimes.  I picked up a copy of "Since nobody's perfect . . . How GOOD is good enough?" by Andy Stanley.  It's little, only 92 pages.  I read the preface in the car before I drove home.  I will probably read more of it this evening.

There was an usher who asked how many of me there were.  I said it was just me.  He walked me towards the front and I headed to the end of the empty row.  Later, another lady sat on the aisle side of my row with five empty seats between us.  It's funny how many ways we have of insulating ourselves from everyone else, even in a place where we should feel safe.  It reminds me of my turtle shell concept.  I really need to work on my sketches.  Just deciding to find my inner core again has really opened my creativity and I am dieing to buy some art supplies.  Acrylics and canvas are out of our budget, but I'll bet I could swing a big sketch pad and maybe some pencils next payday.  If I can get back into my art, maybe I could sell some of it and support the habit.  :)  That has a nice ring to it.  Anyway, back to church . . .

The bulletin told me what to expect:
ONE:  the band will play 3 or 4 loud songs.  That happened.  One of the first lines of the first song was something about how God hears your heart's cry.  I'm not sure why, but the idea of my heart crying really resonated with me.  I know that my heart is ready for a change and I am on the edge of something big.  I cried a few tears over the music.  The music was more like being at a concert than at church but that was ok.  I wasn't sure I would like that, but the words were so moving to me.  They had the words on the projector screens so I could sing along and I didn't even miss the traditional hymns like I thought I might.

TWO:  someone will come up to pray and say "hi."  I guess the wording led me to expect more than the traditional shaking of hands with the couple of people nearest you.  At One Spirit, they used to walk around for a couple of minutes talking to people and genuinely appreciating each other.  At Central, it was short but friendly.  I was kind of hoping someone would ask to pray with me, but I shook three hands and it was over.  I think that they need to change the advertising on that part.  It didn't make me feel more welcome.  It just showed me that most other people weren't any more confident of being there than I was.

THREE:  a pastor will do a talk.  I'm not usually big on sermons.  I typically go to church for the music and the sermon is the part I have to wait for it to be over.  This was not at all what I expected.  Today was the third message in the Thank God for Sex series.  It was about sexual healing.  Although Pastor Matt talked about reasons why we may need to experience forgiveness, either giving or receiving, in a sexual connotation, the things he talked about were pretty applicable to anything in life.  KU was trampled by K-State last week.  It was a 57-9 tromping.  Pastor Matt talked about how many people left at half time.  And more left at the third quarter break.  That's because we lose faith that the damage can be redeemed.  We are fair weather fans, but we are like this with life too.  I think I have done this to myself.  When I try to make a change and it's not working or it's backfiring, I think it's a losing game.  I give up and leave at halftime.  Pastor Matt said that there are no lost causes.  I am not a lost cause.  No matter the current situation, there is always a path back to God and he will help me.  I am worth saving.  He said that too often, we have more faith in the power of our mistakes than in the power of God's grace.  That's not quite my dilemma.  I know that God is there and I know that He can do great things.  The fact that I am alive at all is proof of that.  The fact that I am walking and I have given birth to two beautiful children verifies this.  I guess I don't understand why He would bother with me.  Pastor Matt said that we need to forgive those who have hurt us.  And we need to forgive ourselves.  He said that we may even need to forgive God.  He said that if we are hurting and we are mad at God because we thought he should have stopped something from happening, we need to make the decision to forgive Him.  Pastor Matt gave us a lot to think about.  Then there was a video testimony from a church member who had been through some pretty rough experiences.  She talked about losing her faith and finding her way again.  She said that she realized that God had always been there, even when she didn't feel Him.  But if you can't feel Him there, how do you know?  And how does it help?  She said you cannot give in to yourself.  I had never considered if I am giving in to myself.  And if I am, what does that say about what I am doing?  I got a lot of food for thought today.

FOUR:  somebody will say "bye."  Several people said bye as I was leaving.  All the volunteers were busy helping people getting ready for the next service and wishing people who had attended service a good morning.  I would have liked to see at least one or two people who were available for questions.  Maybe it's just me, but I am looking for a church family.  A church home.  And right now, I am so confused.  I feel like I'm on the brink of something but I don't know how to get there.  I guess I was just looking for someone to talk to.  They asked me to fill out an online survey and I will do that.  There were enough positives that I am pretty sure I'll be going back next week. 

We did go to the Maple Leaf Festival after lunch and it was ok.  We were a little lost though.  I thought there was supposed to be more than just random vendors.  We didn't make it to the craft fair part or the Battle of Black Jack tours or the train.  I don't know where all of that stuff was at.  I guess I needed a map!  lol  We did find a lot of good info about candidates for the upcoming elections, so at least that was helpful.

I feel like if I can get my head and my heart in the right place, everything else is going to fall together.  I feel like I am finally headed in the right direction.

RESTART: Day One

OK.  Here I am back again. I am rethinking my plan.  My life has been fairly well rearranged since I was posting last.  I may not post every day.  If I miss a day, I am not going back to fill it in because I'll never keep up with new days.  This should allow me to keep up without feeling overwhelmed.  There are too many things in my life that make me feel overwhelmed and a lot of them are things that I really need to tackle. 

So, today, Dan is going to play games with Rojo, et al.  I am not sure what Livi and I are going to do today.  Dan doesn't know how long he'll be in Topeka and I figure we'd better keep the car, so I'll drop him off.  We'll probably hit Sam's club and maybe a park.  I'll have to decide who all we want to call for a visit.  Sharan might enjoy a trip to Sam's and Jessy's crew may enjoy a trip to the park.  Nicole's in Topeka too, but I have no idea how she enjoys spending a Saturday. 

Last night, Dan played Magic in Lenexa at a place that is new to him.  I think he's been there before at an old location.  I could tell from the way he talked after it was over that he'd had a really good time.  He has been missing people.  He loves to go play with a group who quickly respects him for his strategies and thinking.  What's not to love, right?  Dan finding a good gaming group is almost like me finding a good church family.  I will try the North Lawrence church soon.  Emily said that she used to go there.  I AM going to go.  I don't know if I will go tomorrow though, because I want to take Livi to the Maple Leaf Festival.  I'll have to see if I can finagle both.

Sharan was out of town and Jessy never returned my call but Livi and I had a good day by ourselves.  Ash called to say she won her volleyball tournament and got a medal.  Dan was bored silly at his game today and is hoping for better things next Saturday. 

While Livi was playing at the park today, I was reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."by Stephen R. Covey.  I took some notes and underlined a few things.  I finished the overview today.  He said to read as if I'm going to be teaching someone else, and I'm trying to think that way.  I really want to teach my kids.  A key point in what I read today is that we have to balance products(P) with production capability(PC).  He used the story of the goose that laid the golden egg as an example.  The golden egg is the product and the goose is the asset that produces the product, or the PC.  It's also kind of short term versus long term. The guy in the story was so impatient for more eggs, P, that he killed the goose, PC, in order to get all of the eggs out.  He killed his PC and therefore also killed his P.  He said that if we want the product of a clean bedroom, we have to produce that capacity in our child.  We have to help them to be motivated to clean their room.  In the end, the room will get cleaned, but if we can't show them a value to do it on their own, it will always be a fight.  I haven't even started reading about the first habit and I'm already rethinking my relationships.

Another point that Mr. Covey makes is that we are not our feelings and our habits because we have the ability, through hard work, to change our perspectives and our habits.  I have an idea of an inner core, or soul that is solid and firm and beautiful.  It's harder to change than titanium.  It is you.  It is me.  It is that beauty that we know we have.  It is that part of us which we truly love and the part of us that is capable of truly loving others.  It is our essence, our soul.  It is pure and sacred.  As we start to grow, we try to change this core for all of the wrong reasons.  We try to change for our friends, our job, our kids, our family, the mirror, the media, whatever.  We cover our innate beauty with layers of plaster and play-dough.  We add ribbons and bows to make a pretty package and layer by layer, we lose sight of our own true beauty.  I have visions of three projects, a photograph, a sculpture and a painting.  I have to figure out which will be the best way to represent my idea or if I should try all three.  It's a major concept.  I'm not sure I remember what's underneath all of the trash of my life anymore.  Underneath all of that, I am a strong and beautiful woman.  I am capable of great things.  But I have weighed myself down with years of disappointments and struggles.  Instead of letting things go, I keep piling them on.  If I just add a little more play-dough here, that will smooth out this rough edge.  I think it's time to begin my unveiling.

Day 6: Back in Action

Today was a whirlwind!  I woke up feeling better than yesterday, thank the lord, but still not 100%.  I'll take what progress I can get.  I was running like a madwoman all day long.

6:40am  Up and at 'em!  Got Dan out of bed for a day of overtime and rolled Payton out of bed for school.  Payton got Livi up as I was eating my oatmeal.

7:10am.  Off we go!  Dropped Dan off at work eight minutes early  :(  and got Payton to school right on time.  :)  Livi and I headed home.

7:45am.  Livi and I made it home and I checked the mail on the way in.  I got a couple of interesting things in the mail.  I received a hand written thank you and welcome card from Pastor Matt at Eastlake Community Church.  He also included a $5 Dillon's card which allowed me to buy some more cough syrup to get me through the day after taking my last dose earlier.  Nice timing. :)  The second packet I received was also from Eastlake.  The letter explained that this package was in response to the connect card that I filled out during the service.  I had mentioned that I was considering rededicating my life to God.  In order to support that decision, they included a booklet called "What on Earth Am I Here For?" by Rick Warren.  It's based on his book, The Purpose Driven Life.  Also included was a copy of the New Testament in New Living Translation and a mention that I was more than welcome to pick up a complete bible at the info table next Sunday if I should choose to return.  I was pretty impressed with the amount of support that they sent my way after one visit.

I went ahead and read the booklet as it was only 59 pages.  It was broken down into 7 parts complete with "points to ponder" and "questions to consider."  Roughly, it explained that God made us to love him and that we are here to glorify him.  It says that we will never find our purpose in life if we are looking at what we want rather than what God wants.  The last section gives a brief overview of how to find God's purpose for you.  The concepts aren't hard to grasp, but I'm not sure where I stand with it.  It did, however, get me to thinking that I might check out the website or that it could be worth reading the full book to see where it goes.  I know that Brandon and Meagan from my Deep Thoughts group have read it in their last growth group and I'm guessing that Brandon's wife, Heather, and Meagan's husband, Cody, have also read it.  I would be interested in talking to people who have read the book and possibly reading it myself.  There are a couple of concepts that I disagreed with that might be resolved with the full version.

"Measured against eternity, your time on earth is just a blink of an eye, but the consequences of it will last forever."(pg 33)  I guess I just have trouble with the idea that if I don't do a great job during this 100 years, I am going to have to pay for it for the next million years?  I can't believe that there is still not room to grow in the next million years or so. 

"Most people fail to realize that money is both a test and a trust from God.  God uses finances to teach us to trust him, and for many people, money is the greatest test of all.  God watches how we use money to test how trustworthy we are.  Jesus said, "If you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven?"  Wow.  This must be based on the idea that God actually places value on money.  I would think that my kids, husband, family and friends are my worldly wealth.  I mean, really?  Why would God use money as a test?  I mean, sure, if I can't handle my money, I don't end up with more, right?  But to think that I won't earn anything more valuable than money if I don't handle mine right implies that God would never have given me the blessing of helping to raise five children since I've always been broke.

These seem like pretty major concepts and I'm not sure I can read a whole book based on what I feel are such faulty ideas.  The book starts with the idea that life is not about me, it's about God.  Sure, I can agree with that idea.  It's very humbling and it's probably right.  But it still doesn't sit well with me.  Probably because I'm too selfish to handle it, which, in turn, suggested to me that I should probably read the rest of this book.  :)  These other two ideas just don't work for me at all.  I don't feel that they are accurate or relevant representations of what God would want or expect from me.  Of course, since He doesn't speak to me in a way that I easily recognize, I could be wrong.  I'd love to hear any thoughts from anyone who might have read the book.

9:30am  I finished reading the mail and that booklet and I jotted down my notes.  Time to start preparing for the rest of my day.  I grabbed my Dillon's card, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, my notepad of thoughts and things to do, a blank note pad, pens, my spare cash and my baby.

10:30am, I finally headed out the door.  Livi and I went to Dillon's and I picked up a cheap bottle of cough syrup.  Then we headed for the bakery so Livi could "read" the book with the pictures of cakes.  We probably spent ten minutes flipping through the cake book before Livi decided she would like a donut.  There was still enough on the card for that so we headed up to pay and then we were off to Deerfield for my volunteer time.  I sort all of the take-home papers for Payton's class and put them into large manilla envelopes for each child.  While I do this, Livi visits Payton's math teacher, Mr. Corcoran, who lets her play with his math tools, stacking blocks, beans for counting, geometric shapes cut our of wood, lots of fun toys for a three year old.  :)  There weren't many papers today so I was done early, but I let Livi play for another ten minutes or so before we left to hit our next objective.

11:45am  I only had six dollars for lunch so we went to McDonald's.   Livi got a Happy Meal in a Halloween bucket and I got a McDouble and apple dippers.  A horrible meal and another reason I need to plan ahead for Thursdays.  Maybe next time I could pack some sandwiches and we could eat at a park.

12:40pm  Livi and I left McDonald's and went to the Lawrence Arts Center for school.  As we headed for her classroom, Olivia said, "You don't need to go in with me, Mom."  So I stood where I could see the doorway and let her go on her own, making sure that her teacher knew she was there before I left.  It's kind of fun to have such a crazy independent little thing sometimes.  It sure beats the separation anxiety that my friend, Amanda, whose son is in the other class is going through.

For the next hour, I drove to all of the thrift stores I could find, looking for tap shoes.  I also called all the studios I could find and hit the dance clothing store.  No used tap shoes for little monsters.  I drove home and found Livi's light up Airwalks.  They are flat bottomed at at least make a little noise when she hits her feet on the floor.

2:30pm  Drove to the school and parked outside to wait for Payton.  If I get to the school on time, I have to park in line and keep moving forward until my kid shows up, then we continue to wait in line until we can get out.  If I show up ten minutes early, I have about 15 - 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to read.  :)  Today, I learned about my circle of concerns.  This includes everything I worry about; family, money, weather, pollution, global warming, war, the elections, the car, my ex, Dan's ex, etc.  Within this circle is my Circle of Influence.  My Circle on Influence includes all of my concerns that I can actually impact.  When we are reactive to those things that are concerns that we cannot influence, those things that are beyond our control, we are creating negative energy.  We can't accomplish anything because we are focused on things that we cannot affect, therefore limiting even more the circle of things that we can change.  We become more reactive and our sense of self worth diminishes as we see that we are not productive or effective.  As we focus on our circle of influence, we will begin to create a positive energy.  We will create and see change.  This will increase our sense of self worth as well as providing an example for those around us.  It all starts with the simple idea that we should never pass up the opportunity to make a choice.

3:05pm  Payton arrives at the car.  :)  He quickly puts on his favorite radio station as we talk about his day and head for the LAC.  I got to the parking garage about 20 minutes early so I sat and enjoyed another 10 minutes with Payton before I headed in.  This is why I love taking Payton to school and picking him up.  We have some one-on-one without any conflicts to deal with.  Just hangin' out together.  I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts!  :)

3:20pm  I head in and find a chair.  There are chairs lined up in the hallway for us to wait.  The door is closed so I know class isn't over and Livi won't want to go until almost everyone else is gone anyway.  :)  Lisa is the next mom to arrive and we chat about the kids, and the Halloween party we are helping to plan for our 6th graders. I think I'll go to Checkers tomorrow and see what size of pumpkins they have so cheap and see if they are the size we were wanting.  Shaake's pumpkins will be 75 cents each for softball size.  I should probably call Pendleton's and see what they would charge.  It's nice that I seem to have found another mom that has enough of the same things going on that we can build on it. :)  That's not as easy for me as it seems like it should be.  I'm workin' on it.

3:40pm Head back to the house, dropped Payton off to work on his homework and headed over to Lia's to pick up Livi's friend for dance class.  Lia and I chatted for a while before Kris and Moira got home.  This was the first time Lia and I had met face-to-face and it was nice.  She has a day care but she will be shutting it down soon.  I suggested PartyLite as an alternative that would allow for flexible scheduling.  She said she doesn't have a car to drive.  That's going to make any kind of employment a little tricky.   Lia's sister has PCOS and Lia has some of the symptoms.  She said she knew that it runs in families and we talked about it for a while.  I need to learn more so I can help people more.  It's frustrating to me.  So many women need help dealing with this and nobody can figure out what to do.  :(  I've got some ideas . . .

4:50pm  I got the girls to dance class about five minutes late.  I didn't realize how long it would take to drive down 23rd street at this time of day.  :)  I'll do better next time.  Miss Cathy took almost an hour with the girls today.  They were really paying attention well and not getting too antsy.  Livi was showing off a little for having someone else there, but not bad.  I guess DancE Hues is having a recital on December 18th and Miss Cathy would like to have the girls in it.  I'm so excited!  :)  I'm going to have to break down and just buy the dumb tap shoes new.  Maybe I'll have better luck finding someone else who needs some when she grows out of them.

5:45pm  I called Aaron as I was leaving the studio to let him know that we will not be meeting at six and it will be about 6:30 before I can get there since we got some free dance lessons today.  He's already waiting at the McDonald's.  :(  I dropped off Moira, picked up Payton and headed for DeSoto.

6:30pm.  Aaron, Payton, Livi and I had a good time at McDonald's.  Livi and I ate the same horrible food we had earlier.  It's not as yummy to me as it used to be.  I think that's a good sign.  :)  It's fun to watch Aaron with Livi.  They seem to soak each other up.  It's not what I would have expected as a reaction from him, but it's super cute.  We talked about what processed foods we should dress up as to get $2 burritos at Chipotle. 

7:30pm.  Payton and Aaron headed off to KC and Livi and I headed home.   We both took some more cough syrup and I finished up the dishes from this morning.  I grabbed the cribbage board and we headed off to see Dan.  Dan called me on the ride over to let me know it was my turn to call Ash.  I talked to Ash about 15 minutes.  She said that they watched a movie called, "Life as we know it."  I had never heard of it, but she said it was really funny but it also made her cry.  She thought we should watch it because we would really like it.  She said they also watched "Easy A."  Not my personal choice of a great movie for a 12 year old.  She said it wasn't very funny so we shouldn't watch it.  We talked about her goddess costume for Halloween and then it was after eight so I had to let her get ready for bed.

8:05pm  I arrived at the house with a baby passed out in the car seat.  Dan carried her in for me and then we played some cribbage.  Dan did get his Thanksgiving time off approved and there is going to be a new couple soon.  The man is going to work in the house and the woman will only do paperwork.  And this just pissed me off all over again.  I will call legal services and the EEOC and do all that I can to resolve how I was treated and then I can let this go.  It feels childish to say this was unfair, but I can't see the situation any other way.  I just want to get past it.  Dan reminded me that forgiveness is an action, not a feeling.  I don't even know who I would need to forgive.  That's really just an excuse, I suppose.  I don't really want to forgive anyone just yet.  I will get there.  It just might take me a bit longer.

11:20pm.  Livi woke up when we got home and stayed up long enough to watch a little cartoonage.  Once Dan found the remote, she watched the last 15 minutes of an Avatar: The Last Airbender episode.  It was a great episode where Aang throws a dance party for kids in the Fire nation.  Then she went to bed and so did momma and daddy.  It was a long day.  It was a good day too though.