Dan and I have been spending our day trying to figure out where to go from here. We can try something new and we can't end up any worse off than we already are. Do we stay in Lawrence? Do we try a new town? Should I go back to school?
We are bouncing ideas around. It's a nice feeling to look ahead. :)
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Day 97: The Storm
I'm very nervous. I'm getting ready to fix myself some breakfast. I'm going to work on my HPRP application so Matt can go over it with us this afternoon. I took an extra melatonin last night and it helped me get a full five hours of sleep. Dan said he will help me with the dishes so I can fix lunch. Barb brought us a roast that we cooked up Wednesday and had for lunch yesterday. Today we're going to use the leftovers to make hot beef sandwiches. We'll have cauliflower mashed potatoes and broccoli on the side. I also made black bean brownies yesterday. They cooked up more like cake than brownies, but they taste all right. I guess that will take a little more experimentation. Maybe next time I'll cook them from scratch instead of from a box and see if that turns out more like I want them.
I can't pick a direction with my thoughts today. I don't want to think about court because there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to melt down. My brain is playing pinball to get around that huge white elephant in the proverbial living room. My eyes feel so puffy and stingy today. I hope I don't look strung out. I am very tired. My chest hurts. Back to my happy place. The Oriental Bistro with Dan, Livi, Payton, Barb and Alan. Breathe in . . . breathe out . . . make some oatmeal. . . breathe in . . . do some paperwork . . . breathe out . . .
I can't pick a direction with my thoughts today. I don't want to think about court because there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to melt down. My brain is playing pinball to get around that huge white elephant in the proverbial living room. My eyes feel so puffy and stingy today. I hope I don't look strung out. I am very tired. My chest hurts. Back to my happy place. The Oriental Bistro with Dan, Livi, Payton, Barb and Alan. Breathe in . . . breathe out . . . make some oatmeal. . . breathe in . . . do some paperwork . . . breathe out . . .
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Day 96: Still feeling the calm
As I was trying to get to Bert Nash for my homeless outreach appointment, I got stuck. I had started early. I swept the porch, the sidewalk and the car. I started the car so it could warm up. I scraped all the windows and figured I could still get to my appointment with ten minutes to spare. I backed out of my spot and go stuck. The tires started spinning. I was going slow and tried rocking front and back but I was just blocking the whole road. I saw a truck coming down the road who wouldn't be able to get through now because I was blocking everything. I was struggling not to cry. Drive, reverse. Drive, reverse. Nothing. The truck stopped and the guy got out with a shovel. He dug out around my tires. I got straightened out and backed up to the cross street so I could get out of the trailer park. I don't know his name, but I thanked him. He was my angel for the morning. It doesn't seem like much, but I'm so on the edge that I was sliding towards giving up. If I had to go back into the house for help to push the car back, I would have stayed home. I would have been late and just given up on my appointment. A guy with a shovel was all it took to keep me up and going.
I'm glad that I made it to Bert Nash. Matt is going to go to court with us. He said that most likely we'll get at least ten days to get out since we have kids but we might even get three more weeks since we didn't receive any notice until last week. It all depends on the judge.
Matt also said that the HPRP application can help us to get into a place we can afford more quickly and that he's been looking but there are not a lot of three bedrooms in Lawrence. The good news is, we have some help. I'm still nervous, but things are not looking so scary. I just think about our perfect dinner on Tuesday and keep that calm in my head. God is helping. Things will be ok, even if I don't know how yet.
I'm glad that I made it to Bert Nash. Matt is going to go to court with us. He said that most likely we'll get at least ten days to get out since we have kids but we might even get three more weeks since we didn't receive any notice until last week. It all depends on the judge.
Matt also said that the HPRP application can help us to get into a place we can afford more quickly and that he's been looking but there are not a lot of three bedrooms in Lawrence. The good news is, we have some help. I'm still nervous, but things are not looking so scary. I just think about our perfect dinner on Tuesday and keep that calm in my head. God is helping. Things will be ok, even if I don't know how yet.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Day 95: Calm before the storm
Friday is looming. I wish court was first thing in the morning. We have to wait until 3:30. I am terrified. I was making plans with old friends for Saturday but now I'm afraid to. If we have to be out by Monday or Tuesday, I'll need to be at home packing. Dan's mom says we can't take this car on road trips, so if we don't get the cruiser running by then, we'll have to spend a paycheck to get to Quinter for Christmas. We can't afford it. But I don't think I could deal with being here. I am trying not to think of all the things that could go wrong because it seems like they are already happening. I am trying not to panic but I'm so much better at panicking. Things will be better on Friday because at least I will know what we have to worry about. Right now I don't even have that.
Last night was awesome. Dan's momma came up to bring us the car. She wanted to take us out to dinner. We picked up Dan from work early because at least his two week supervisor likes him. We picked up the car that Barb is going to drive back home. That took a little longer than we thought. It was 8:15 when we got to Set 'em Up Jacks. There was a note on the door that said they were closing at nine for a private party. Barb wanted to try the Oriental Bistro that replaced our favorite Chinese restaurant, Jade Mongolian. The food was yummy and the best waiter in the world, Alan, worked there. We missed Alan. He always had a hug for me, a hand shake for Dan and played with the kids. He also got better tips than most servers we tip. :) When Jade closed, they sold the building and then it reopened as a new restaurant. We figured all of the old staff was gone and we couldn't really afford to go and find out until last night. As we walked from the car, Livi asked, "Mom, what is this place?" I told her it was Oriental Bistro and she said, "I don't like that store!" When I told her it was Chinese food, she ran screaming for the door. lol When we walked in and saw Alan smiling back at us, it was like coming home. Since our trailer has never really felt like home, and probably won't even be a roof for us soon, we all really needed that. They remodeled the inside and it's got a much more classy and classic feel. The prices were still in the same range but the ambiance felt more expensive. Alan told us they had made some changes, and all for the better. :) He was right. While we were pondering the new menus, Alan sent us chicken lettuce cups. They were delicious! Next, we got Beef and Chicken Kabobs. Also super yummy, but not as good as the lettuce cups! Payton used to be hesitant about trying new things, but since he's into cooking now, he's much more adventurous. There wasn't a sour note to our entire meal. Barb ordered a tempura veggie appetizer, also great. I ordered schezwan shrimp. Dan and Barb split Golbi, a Korean BBQ. Livi, of course, had noodles and shrimp (lo mein) and Payton tried Lemon Chicken. Thanks to having three appetizers, Payton, Livi and I all have enough for supper tomorrow night when Dan's at work and Barb is back in Garden. Before we left, Alan was there with our smiles, hand shake and hugs. I was warm, satiated and content. It was a nice feeling. I think we were all feeling it and we all needed it. It felt like home for the homeless. Thank God for directing us to the right place.
Last night was awesome. Dan's momma came up to bring us the car. She wanted to take us out to dinner. We picked up Dan from work early because at least his two week supervisor likes him. We picked up the car that Barb is going to drive back home. That took a little longer than we thought. It was 8:15 when we got to Set 'em Up Jacks. There was a note on the door that said they were closing at nine for a private party. Barb wanted to try the Oriental Bistro that replaced our favorite Chinese restaurant, Jade Mongolian. The food was yummy and the best waiter in the world, Alan, worked there. We missed Alan. He always had a hug for me, a hand shake for Dan and played with the kids. He also got better tips than most servers we tip. :) When Jade closed, they sold the building and then it reopened as a new restaurant. We figured all of the old staff was gone and we couldn't really afford to go and find out until last night. As we walked from the car, Livi asked, "Mom, what is this place?" I told her it was Oriental Bistro and she said, "I don't like that store!" When I told her it was Chinese food, she ran screaming for the door. lol When we walked in and saw Alan smiling back at us, it was like coming home. Since our trailer has never really felt like home, and probably won't even be a roof for us soon, we all really needed that. They remodeled the inside and it's got a much more classy and classic feel. The prices were still in the same range but the ambiance felt more expensive. Alan told us they had made some changes, and all for the better. :) He was right. While we were pondering the new menus, Alan sent us chicken lettuce cups. They were delicious! Next, we got Beef and Chicken Kabobs. Also super yummy, but not as good as the lettuce cups! Payton used to be hesitant about trying new things, but since he's into cooking now, he's much more adventurous. There wasn't a sour note to our entire meal. Barb ordered a tempura veggie appetizer, also great. I ordered schezwan shrimp. Dan and Barb split Golbi, a Korean BBQ. Livi, of course, had noodles and shrimp (lo mein) and Payton tried Lemon Chicken. Thanks to having three appetizers, Payton, Livi and I all have enough for supper tomorrow night when Dan's at work and Barb is back in Garden. Before we left, Alan was there with our smiles, hand shake and hugs. I was warm, satiated and content. It was a nice feeling. I think we were all feeling it and we all needed it. It felt like home for the homeless. Thank God for directing us to the right place.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Day 94: Game On
My mental vacation is over. I got a good night's sleep last night. I have a lot of calls to make today and I'm working hard not to think past that.
Dan's momma is driving up today with a car for us to use around town. That will be nice because Dan will have a way home from work. His boss told him Sunday that they could give him rides home at night because they are up anyway. Then yesterday they turned in their 2 week notice. I worry about Dan's job security now that a woman who seems out to get his is his direct supervisor.
Dan's momma is driving up today with a car for us to use around town. That will be nice because Dan will have a way home from work. His boss told him Sunday that they could give him rides home at night because they are up anyway. Then yesterday they turned in their 2 week notice. I worry about Dan's job security now that a woman who seems out to get his is his direct supervisor.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Day 92: A ray of sunshine in the tumult
So, today, I woke up crying again. I did get a melatonin before bed and felt a little more rested when I woke up, but not a lot. Hopefully a couple more nights of solid sleeping will help me catch up. I got Payton and my HyVee cookies to church and then came back home to get Dan and the girls.
Church was a little hard for me. My eyes kept getting watery. Church is a time to listen and think and reflect and lately reflecting is not really a fun thing. I do not like what I see in my mental mirror. Today's message left me feeling like I need a spiritual Radio Shack. I've certainly got questions. The message was called, "No personal template." The idea is that everyone builds their relationship with Jesus in a different way and that there is no right way to worship God, as well as no wrong way. It's important not to compare our spirituality to another person because either we won't feel that we live up to it or we'll look down on others.
The idea of no template leaves me feeling more adrift than I was. I'm lost and I don't know which way to go, but there is no map that will tell me. The only guide I have is the Bible and it's like a compass that I don't know how to use. Pastor Matt always tells us that God is passionately pursuing us. He wants us to hear Him. I don't know if I'm deaf or just speaking a different language.
Reality #1 in our notes is that God makes it easy for us to draw near to him by accepting us AS IS. According to Hebrews 10:22, Jesus' sacrifice makes it possible for us to come to God ourselves, not through a priest or rules, but that we only need a sincere and trusting heart. I feel like I've got the sincere down, but the trusting is not working for me so well.
James 4:8 says, "Come close to God, and God will come close to you . . ."
I guess I just don't know how.
----------------------------
After church, Dan, Ash, Payton, Livi and I headed for the sledding hill we hit last night. We had fun watching the kids sledding. We were all laughing. It was good.
We came home for lunch and then we all loaded up again to take Ash to meet her other dad and to get Dan to work. Payton, Livi and I went back to the sled hill. Payton went a few times, then I went. Payton and Livi both ran down the hill to meet me and walk me back up. I went three times and hiked all the way back up the hill. We walked to the playground and Payton and I watched Livi play.
Payton kept telling me how much fun it was that I went sledding with him. He said that I never do stuff, I just watch, because I'm uncomfortable or embarrassed because I'm big. He said the first time I went was really exciting for him. The other times were fun too so today was triple fun instead of just normal fun. I never realized the impact that my own self consciousness could have on the kids. It definitely gives me something to think about. It also makes me triple glad that I went ahead and did it. :)
-----------------------------
Whenever I have a quiet moment, I get scared and shaky. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn for help. I can't do anything about anything until Tuesday and neither can anyone else. I feel like Tuesday is a gaping black hole waiting to suck us in. It's been a great day in so many ways. I feel like today is made of a fragile glass bubble. It's beautiful and precious, but it's falling. "My vision is blurred by grief, my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies." (Psalm 6:7 NLT) Even a great day like today is so overshadowed by my fear that it's tarnished. I try to polish the shine back into those priceless, twinkling instants but it feels like I'm eroding their luster. I don't think I've ever been this scared before.
Church was a little hard for me. My eyes kept getting watery. Church is a time to listen and think and reflect and lately reflecting is not really a fun thing. I do not like what I see in my mental mirror. Today's message left me feeling like I need a spiritual Radio Shack. I've certainly got questions. The message was called, "No personal template." The idea is that everyone builds their relationship with Jesus in a different way and that there is no right way to worship God, as well as no wrong way. It's important not to compare our spirituality to another person because either we won't feel that we live up to it or we'll look down on others.
The idea of no template leaves me feeling more adrift than I was. I'm lost and I don't know which way to go, but there is no map that will tell me. The only guide I have is the Bible and it's like a compass that I don't know how to use. Pastor Matt always tells us that God is passionately pursuing us. He wants us to hear Him. I don't know if I'm deaf or just speaking a different language.
Reality #1 in our notes is that God makes it easy for us to draw near to him by accepting us AS IS. According to Hebrews 10:22, Jesus' sacrifice makes it possible for us to come to God ourselves, not through a priest or rules, but that we only need a sincere and trusting heart. I feel like I've got the sincere down, but the trusting is not working for me so well.
James 4:8 says, "Come close to God, and God will come close to you . . ."
I guess I just don't know how.
----------------------------
After church, Dan, Ash, Payton, Livi and I headed for the sledding hill we hit last night. We had fun watching the kids sledding. We were all laughing. It was good.
We came home for lunch and then we all loaded up again to take Ash to meet her other dad and to get Dan to work. Payton, Livi and I went back to the sled hill. Payton went a few times, then I went. Payton and Livi both ran down the hill to meet me and walk me back up. I went three times and hiked all the way back up the hill. We walked to the playground and Payton and I watched Livi play.
Payton kept telling me how much fun it was that I went sledding with him. He said that I never do stuff, I just watch, because I'm uncomfortable or embarrassed because I'm big. He said the first time I went was really exciting for him. The other times were fun too so today was triple fun instead of just normal fun. I never realized the impact that my own self consciousness could have on the kids. It definitely gives me something to think about. It also makes me triple glad that I went ahead and did it. :)
-----------------------------
Whenever I have a quiet moment, I get scared and shaky. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn for help. I can't do anything about anything until Tuesday and neither can anyone else. I feel like Tuesday is a gaping black hole waiting to suck us in. It's been a great day in so many ways. I feel like today is made of a fragile glass bubble. It's beautiful and precious, but it's falling. "My vision is blurred by grief, my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies." (Psalm 6:7 NLT) Even a great day like today is so overshadowed by my fear that it's tarnished. I try to polish the shine back into those priceless, twinkling instants but it feels like I'm eroding their luster. I don't think I've ever been this scared before.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Day 91: Spinnin' my wheels
We rented a car last night so that we could go get Ash. We met Momma and Daddy for dollar menu dinner at Wendy's. Since we had a car, I wanted to pick up a few things with the vision card at Sam's club so I invited Mom and Dad along. We had a fun time running around Sam's. Dan was being all silly with Livi the way he used to be with me when we first got together. It was fun to hear. We got to the check out and Mom and Daddy had just over $200 in stuff. Sam's club would not accept a visa credit card. They take my check card, but not a regular credit card. They tried the ATM and the pin didn't work. I know how bad I feel when I can't pay for the things I want to buy. It doesn't matter why I can't pay, I always feel crappy. So Momma and Daddy had to drive to Hays to go to WalMart to get the things they needed before they went home. They were trying to stock up for our family Christmas in two weeks and I thought I was helping. It just seemed to reiterate the pointlessness of my recent efforts at pretty much anything.
No one from the homeless outreach team ever called me yesterday. I woke up in tears this morning. I am so scared.
The rental car was due back at noon today, so I hit the grocery store for cookies for church and our WIC stuff and then I hit the Merc for the chai tea that makes me happy. Dan and I talked about it and I called Enterprise. We were able to get a deal that meant paying for one more day instead of two. So, we kept the car so we could go to KC and talk to the guy at Van Chevrolet who thought he could help us get a car. We put gas in the car and drove the hour to get there. The guy asked if we had filled out the financial docs. We said no, so he gave us forms. Then he told us that all the banks were closed so he won't know if they can help us until Tuesday. I'm a little frustrated that we spent the extra on the car. We don't really have it and probably shouldn't have spent it but I thought it would help us if we could do something about this other car. I wonder if literally beating my head on the wall would feel any worse right now. In an attempt to find a good side to this, we aren't spending $18 on a taxi to get Dan to work and back tomorrow. Maybe we can jump start the cruiser with the rental if we skip our own battery so we can diagnose the problem. I don't have to walk to church tomorrow. My vitamins and supplements came in today. Hopefully my melatonin will help me sleep better and feel rested in the morning.
No one from the homeless outreach team ever called me yesterday. I woke up in tears this morning. I am so scared.
The rental car was due back at noon today, so I hit the grocery store for cookies for church and our WIC stuff and then I hit the Merc for the chai tea that makes me happy. Dan and I talked about it and I called Enterprise. We were able to get a deal that meant paying for one more day instead of two. So, we kept the car so we could go to KC and talk to the guy at Van Chevrolet who thought he could help us get a car. We put gas in the car and drove the hour to get there. The guy asked if we had filled out the financial docs. We said no, so he gave us forms. Then he told us that all the banks were closed so he won't know if they can help us until Tuesday. I'm a little frustrated that we spent the extra on the car. We don't really have it and probably shouldn't have spent it but I thought it would help us if we could do something about this other car. I wonder if literally beating my head on the wall would feel any worse right now. In an attempt to find a good side to this, we aren't spending $18 on a taxi to get Dan to work and back tomorrow. Maybe we can jump start the cruiser with the rental if we skip our own battery so we can diagnose the problem. I don't have to walk to church tomorrow. My vitamins and supplements came in today. Hopefully my melatonin will help me sleep better and feel rested in the morning.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Day 90: I think I need a bigger box . , .
The countdown to homeless is ticking pretty loudly. I don't know that I have EVER felt so helpless. I keep doing things that are supposed to help, calling people, filling out papers, praying, crying. Nothing. Just sliding further and further into the abyss. I am struggling just to keep my brain from shutting down. I keep telling myself that my kids need me and then I can't figure out how I'm helping them. I know this is not logical and I know that in most ways, I am a good mom. They know that I love them and would do anything for them. I just can't seem to do anything that is helping right now.
At least we'll be able to see Ash this weekend. That was pretty up in the air for a bit too.
At least we'll be able to see Ash this weekend. That was pretty up in the air for a bit too.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Day 88; Wednesday
Today the wind chill was colder than yesterday. -18 degrees. Yet today, they didn't cancel school. Dan and I decided to cancel school for Payton because it's way too cold to wait ten or fifteen minutes for the bus. Payton wasn't entirely happy with that.
Today was a normal day. I enjoyed the things that were logical and I got frustrated with things that would have frustrated most other people. Not a memorable day, but not a bad one.
Today was a normal day. I enjoyed the things that were logical and I got frustrated with things that would have frustrated most other people. Not a memorable day, but not a bad one.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Day 87: Another snow day
The sequel is never as exciting as the first one. It was awesome to get to sleep in this morning though. I woke up at seven fifteen, so that was about an hour and a half of extra time. I was hoping to get to the Merc to get Dan's bus pass and more whey protein, but that is a two hour trip by bus. I went downtown instead and walked to the bank, the post office and city hall. I got my major goals accomplished but I could barely walk back to the bus stop. I dozed off on the ride home and struggled to get back to the house. I don't know what was wrong. I have been real careful about eating and getting snacks so it wasn't a sugar crash. Besides that, I wasn't shaky. I was just totally drained. I've walked much farther on other days and felt fine so I'm a little confused by this.
Dan called in to work today as he wasn't feeling well and when I got home from errands, I headed to bed. I didn't sleep, but I rested and read. It was nice and relaxing. I'm still tired but still not sleepy. Played some video games with the kiddos and the boys are doing dishes so we can fix supper. I'm thinking some hot tea is in order. I am not drinking as much water as I used to since we bought the HyVee water. It has a different taste and I don't like it as well so I don't drink it. Looks like it's worth the extra dollar for the ozarka at Sam's, assuming I can get back there someday.
I was going to call Jenn and see if we could run some errands today, but I was crashing so hard it seemed like a bad idea. Maybe tomorrow. I need to get our hard copy docs from the housing authority and I want to get our battery to a place that can test it. Maybe tomorrow will be warm enough that I can sweep the snow off the car and try to get the battery out.
I got my mailart from Karl today. It has a photo on the front of Agnew Hall and a cameo of Elizabeth Agnew and on the back, he has drawn the "residence hall" again. It made me smile remembering college where I roomed with Kimmie. The big surprise was that I didn't realize that our dorm was named after an expert in "domestic science." We lived in the home ec dorm? That is SO not right . . .
It was great to get something in the mail that was intended for me, personally. It was not a bill or an ad and it was hand crafted. Awesome. :)
Today has been a pretty calm day, not a wildly great day but also not a bad day. I'm still not feeling 100% but a lazy day is a good thing.
Dan called in to work today as he wasn't feeling well and when I got home from errands, I headed to bed. I didn't sleep, but I rested and read. It was nice and relaxing. I'm still tired but still not sleepy. Played some video games with the kiddos and the boys are doing dishes so we can fix supper. I'm thinking some hot tea is in order. I am not drinking as much water as I used to since we bought the HyVee water. It has a different taste and I don't like it as well so I don't drink it. Looks like it's worth the extra dollar for the ozarka at Sam's, assuming I can get back there someday.
I was going to call Jenn and see if we could run some errands today, but I was crashing so hard it seemed like a bad idea. Maybe tomorrow. I need to get our hard copy docs from the housing authority and I want to get our battery to a place that can test it. Maybe tomorrow will be warm enough that I can sweep the snow off the car and try to get the battery out.
I got my mailart from Karl today. It has a photo on the front of Agnew Hall and a cameo of Elizabeth Agnew and on the back, he has drawn the "residence hall" again. It made me smile remembering college where I roomed with Kimmie. The big surprise was that I didn't realize that our dorm was named after an expert in "domestic science." We lived in the home ec dorm? That is SO not right . . .
It was great to get something in the mail that was intended for me, personally. It was not a bill or an ad and it was hand crafted. Awesome. :)
Today has been a pretty calm day, not a wildly great day but also not a bad day. I'm still not feeling 100% but a lazy day is a good thing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Day 86: A snow day
The bare cottonwood stands resolute as winter tucks him in with a snowy blanket.
The snow drifts aimlessly towards the ground without a cruel wind to set her path.
The flakes are getting bigger, they have forgotten how to dance
As gravity overcomes the breeze to straighten and hasten their fall.
I had a three hour schedule this morning of bus rides and errands. Payton was ready to go and I was finishing my oatmeal when USD 497 called to say that there was no school today. I get a reprieve. We played some games together online and then we went back to bed.
We all got up again around ten. Livi and Payton and I played video games and then I started making a chili that Dan finished off.
Dan just left for the bus. The snow is about four inches deep on our porch and sidewalk. I'm glad that there is still no snow. The first thing that happened once Dan left the house was that he fell down. He's going to be on the bus for an hour, work eight hours, and he'll probably have to sleep over at work so he can get a ride home in the morning. He's starting out on his 18 hour adventure cold and wet. It makes me mad and it frustrates me. I wish there was something more that I can do to help him. He wanted to call in but there is no guarantee that anything will be different tomorrow. I worry that when someone realizes that Dan's having to sleep over, that's all of the sudden going to be a problem too. We felt like he might as well quit if he called in today. I just hope we can figure something out soon. *sigh*
The snow drifts aimlessly towards the ground without a cruel wind to set her path.
The flakes are getting bigger, they have forgotten how to dance
As gravity overcomes the breeze to straighten and hasten their fall.
I had a three hour schedule this morning of bus rides and errands. Payton was ready to go and I was finishing my oatmeal when USD 497 called to say that there was no school today. I get a reprieve. We played some games together online and then we went back to bed.
We all got up again around ten. Livi and Payton and I played video games and then I started making a chili that Dan finished off.
Dan just left for the bus. The snow is about four inches deep on our porch and sidewalk. I'm glad that there is still no snow. The first thing that happened once Dan left the house was that he fell down. He's going to be on the bus for an hour, work eight hours, and he'll probably have to sleep over at work so he can get a ride home in the morning. He's starting out on his 18 hour adventure cold and wet. It makes me mad and it frustrates me. I wish there was something more that I can do to help him. He wanted to call in but there is no guarantee that anything will be different tomorrow. I worry that when someone realizes that Dan's having to sleep over, that's all of the sudden going to be a problem too. We felt like he might as well quit if he called in today. I just hope we can figure something out soon. *sigh*
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 85: A bipolar universe
This morning I woke up bummed that I would not be able to go to church. Going has been helping me. It gives me something to look forward to. It's one of my few social opportunities. The messages give me something to think about and have been fairly therapeutic. There was only 1/2 an inch of snow and no wind so I decided to walk. I knew that if I didn't go, I would be bummed and my mood would be off all day. Once I made my decision, I already started feeling better. Livi wanted to go, too. I told her that her legs would get really tired because it's a long way but she still wanted to go. I told Dan we were getting ready to go and he decided to go because he figured he would worry about us unless he went with us.
It's about 2 miles to church. It really wasn't a bad walk. We walked quickly and kept warm. Livi didn't start getting tired until we were only a few blocks away. I really felt a sense of accomplishment when we got to church! I had resolved something for myself and I felt better for it! Dan told one of our friends that we walked to church and he offered us a ride home. :)
I got my coffee and Dan saw his supervisor's supervisor. He let her know that he was not going to be able to get to work tonight. It's a six mile walk and the early part would be ok, but the late night part would be dangerous to walk with as cold as it's supposed to get. He was going to ride the bike today, but he has not ridden it yet and the ice and snow could make that pretty dangerous for him too. His super's super had already told him that none of the staff at the house could pick him up anymore even if they were out and about. They have offered to anyway, but Dan didn't want anyone else's job to be at risk for his. The only way we had to get Dan to work and back was to pay $9 each way for a taxi. He explained that we can't afford that but that we should have a car by Wednesday. She told him that he would have to decide if he could afford to pay $18 or to lose his job. The money we would have to spend on a taxi would be more than we are going to pay for his bus pass this month.
Dan worked hard to make sure he had rides lined up. He just needed help for a few more days, yet she wouldn't budge. People he work with wanted to help him. It seems so unreasonable to me. Maybe I am biased because it's my family that's hanging in the balance, but it seems like there had to be a better way for her to deal with this. It reminds me of a supervisor I used to have who treated me worse the more my employees liked it. Is it a jealousy thing? Is the fate of her world somehow hanging in the balance so that offering a little bit of kindness is too much? I honestly just don't understand. It seems so targeted. She told him maybe he should transfer to a house that's closer to where we live, but he works where he does because he loves the guys he works with. Dan said that we had considered taking one of our guys to live with us at one point. She said that's not an option, as if he wanted to do it today. It just seemed so targeted at Dan that it makes me protective and mad. I'm trying to be neutral and not think bad things. . . I don't know if I'm being realistic or if "My vision is blurred by grief." I feel as if "my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies." Not a fun feeling.
Of course, when Dan told me his job was on the line if we didn't do the taxi thing, I started to cry. I tried not to, but it just doesn't always work that way for me. The lady who organizes the greeters at church, Pam, asked me what was wrong and what she could do to help and took me aside so we could talk in privacy. We prayed together and talked and she helped us find a ride for Dan to work and back today. This is why I wanted to find a church again. Not because I expect someone else to fix all my problems, but when you are doing everything you can and it isn't enough, there is someone there who cares enough to do what they can. I have really missed the community of having a church home and I am glad that I have found one.
I'm a little mixed right now. We worked to help ourselves and in the end, it looks like it is going to work out. I'm very grateful that God has placed us in the path of the right people. I'm also frustrated by Dan's supervisor's not so super supervisor. And with this stupid depression, I second guess every emotion. I can't help thinking of that song that Shay played for me, "I pray your brakes go out running down the hill . . ." It's a funny song unless you're really feeling that way and I'm praying that God will help me to think more positively. I don't honestly want anything bad to happen to her, I am just really hurt and angry.
Dan is at work now. Mike and Kelly arrived around 2:30 and they are going to bring him home too. At least today is taken care of. Pam has assured me that God is going to take care of us and things will work out. I am doing my best to believe that.
It's about 2 miles to church. It really wasn't a bad walk. We walked quickly and kept warm. Livi didn't start getting tired until we were only a few blocks away. I really felt a sense of accomplishment when we got to church! I had resolved something for myself and I felt better for it! Dan told one of our friends that we walked to church and he offered us a ride home. :)
I got my coffee and Dan saw his supervisor's supervisor. He let her know that he was not going to be able to get to work tonight. It's a six mile walk and the early part would be ok, but the late night part would be dangerous to walk with as cold as it's supposed to get. He was going to ride the bike today, but he has not ridden it yet and the ice and snow could make that pretty dangerous for him too. His super's super had already told him that none of the staff at the house could pick him up anymore even if they were out and about. They have offered to anyway, but Dan didn't want anyone else's job to be at risk for his. The only way we had to get Dan to work and back was to pay $9 each way for a taxi. He explained that we can't afford that but that we should have a car by Wednesday. She told him that he would have to decide if he could afford to pay $18 or to lose his job. The money we would have to spend on a taxi would be more than we are going to pay for his bus pass this month.
Dan worked hard to make sure he had rides lined up. He just needed help for a few more days, yet she wouldn't budge. People he work with wanted to help him. It seems so unreasonable to me. Maybe I am biased because it's my family that's hanging in the balance, but it seems like there had to be a better way for her to deal with this. It reminds me of a supervisor I used to have who treated me worse the more my employees liked it. Is it a jealousy thing? Is the fate of her world somehow hanging in the balance so that offering a little bit of kindness is too much? I honestly just don't understand. It seems so targeted. She told him maybe he should transfer to a house that's closer to where we live, but he works where he does because he loves the guys he works with. Dan said that we had considered taking one of our guys to live with us at one point. She said that's not an option, as if he wanted to do it today. It just seemed so targeted at Dan that it makes me protective and mad. I'm trying to be neutral and not think bad things. . . I don't know if I'm being realistic or if "My vision is blurred by grief." I feel as if "my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies." Not a fun feeling.
Of course, when Dan told me his job was on the line if we didn't do the taxi thing, I started to cry. I tried not to, but it just doesn't always work that way for me. The lady who organizes the greeters at church, Pam, asked me what was wrong and what she could do to help and took me aside so we could talk in privacy. We prayed together and talked and she helped us find a ride for Dan to work and back today. This is why I wanted to find a church again. Not because I expect someone else to fix all my problems, but when you are doing everything you can and it isn't enough, there is someone there who cares enough to do what they can. I have really missed the community of having a church home and I am glad that I have found one.
I'm a little mixed right now. We worked to help ourselves and in the end, it looks like it is going to work out. I'm very grateful that God has placed us in the path of the right people. I'm also frustrated by Dan's supervisor's not so super supervisor. And with this stupid depression, I second guess every emotion. I can't help thinking of that song that Shay played for me, "I pray your brakes go out running down the hill . . ." It's a funny song unless you're really feeling that way and I'm praying that God will help me to think more positively. I don't honestly want anything bad to happen to her, I am just really hurt and angry.
Dan is at work now. Mike and Kelly arrived around 2:30 and they are going to bring him home too. At least today is taken care of. Pam has assured me that God is going to take care of us and things will work out. I am doing my best to believe that.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 84: To be accompanied by an eight stringed instrument
Psalms 6
1. O Lord, don't rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your rage.
2. Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
3. I am sick at heart.
How long, O Lord, until you restore me?
4. Return, O Lord, and rescue me.
Save me because of your unfailing love.
5. For the dead do not remember you.
Who can praise you from the grave?
6. I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears.
7. My vision is blurred by grief;
my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.
8. Go away, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
9. The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord will answer my prayer.
10. May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.
May they suddenly turn back in shame.
A long line of events worked together for me to find this Psalm yesterday when I so needed it. Karl posted a mailart on facebook. I started a project for someone. I called my brother for a verse on strength that he had talked about getting as a tattoo. He told me about his bible app on his phone and I downloaded Daily Bible. The first chapter in their daily plan was this one. It really speaks to me.
Verses 1, 2, and 3 are kind of just David feeling sorry for himself and I can totally understand that feeling. But I think he's also making the point that he can't resolve his problems alone. He was a king. He ruled a nation. I can barely run a household. But if God could resolve his problems and he could trust God to do it, why is that so hard for me?
I'm not really sure what the point of 4 & 5 are. It kind of sounds like an appeal to God's vanity? I guess in the OT, there are times when it seems God was vain, but by the NT, he's not. I've always been confused by this. The question is, is David really saying, "God, don't let me die because who else will praise you when I'm gone?" Weird.
Verse six is the one that got me. It is me. I FEEL this. I don't just know the feeling or understand. This verse is me. To me, verse seven says depression. It's not that my eyes are watery from crying, it's that nothing looks good when it's washed out in a torrent of depression. Even the many blessings in my life are hard to appreciate sometimes as my perception is blurred. And though I am sure David was talking about actual people wanting to harm him when he spoke of enemies, if I think of these enemies as my struggles and challenges, it makes a lot of sense.
The end is the part that I have a little trouble with. David tells all his troubles to leave him as God is going to take care of him. I don't know how to do this. I feel like if I could just figure that part out, I could get a handle on everything else. I guess I'm just not very good at faith.
1. O Lord, don't rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your rage.
2. Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
3. I am sick at heart.
How long, O Lord, until you restore me?
4. Return, O Lord, and rescue me.
Save me because of your unfailing love.
5. For the dead do not remember you.
Who can praise you from the grave?
6. I am worn out from sobbing.
All night I flood my bed with weeping,
drenching it with my tears.
7. My vision is blurred by grief;
my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.
8. Go away, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
9. The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord will answer my prayer.
10. May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.
May they suddenly turn back in shame.
A long line of events worked together for me to find this Psalm yesterday when I so needed it. Karl posted a mailart on facebook. I started a project for someone. I called my brother for a verse on strength that he had talked about getting as a tattoo. He told me about his bible app on his phone and I downloaded Daily Bible. The first chapter in their daily plan was this one. It really speaks to me.
Verses 1, 2, and 3 are kind of just David feeling sorry for himself and I can totally understand that feeling. But I think he's also making the point that he can't resolve his problems alone. He was a king. He ruled a nation. I can barely run a household. But if God could resolve his problems and he could trust God to do it, why is that so hard for me?
I'm not really sure what the point of 4 & 5 are. It kind of sounds like an appeal to God's vanity? I guess in the OT, there are times when it seems God was vain, but by the NT, he's not. I've always been confused by this. The question is, is David really saying, "God, don't let me die because who else will praise you when I'm gone?" Weird.
Verse six is the one that got me. It is me. I FEEL this. I don't just know the feeling or understand. This verse is me. To me, verse seven says depression. It's not that my eyes are watery from crying, it's that nothing looks good when it's washed out in a torrent of depression. Even the many blessings in my life are hard to appreciate sometimes as my perception is blurred. And though I am sure David was talking about actual people wanting to harm him when he spoke of enemies, if I think of these enemies as my struggles and challenges, it makes a lot of sense.
The end is the part that I have a little trouble with. David tells all his troubles to leave him as God is going to take care of him. I don't know how to do this. I feel like if I could just figure that part out, I could get a handle on everything else. I guess I'm just not very good at faith.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Day 83: Explosion
I'm mad. Really mad. No reason really. Just can't stop being mad. Payton and I played hookie today so we could get some sleep. I didn't accomplish anything. We tried to watch a show together but couldn't watch anything without interruptions. I moved something and stacks of cds toppled. Livi's chatter was too loud. Dan's boss kept texting him on his day off. I feel like an explosion waiting to happen. I just wanted to open the front door and throw everything out.
When a friend came over and was chatting with Dan, I had to go to the girls' room to lie down. I just needed to hide.
Payton's going to go to his dad's. Dan's going to play magic. Livi and I are going to be home alone and I don't want to. I don't feel like I can handle it.
I'm so tired of being defective.
When a friend came over and was chatting with Dan, I had to go to the girls' room to lie down. I just needed to hide.
Payton's going to go to his dad's. Dan's going to play magic. Livi and I are going to be home alone and I don't want to. I don't feel like I can handle it.
I'm so tired of being defective.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Day 82: Lunar Landing
Today has been a better day. Things did not exactly cooperate, of course. But I am doing better anyway.
I took Payton to school and then went to HyVee to take advantage of some sales and get snacks for Livi's class. I had my schedule down to getting home in time to wake Dan and Livi up to take to Deerfield with me and then lunch and get Livi to school. A computer glitch at HyVee meant I wasn't able to buy what I needed. I got frustrated and a cried a little. I headed for the bus stop with the intention of heading home. As I waited for the bus, I realized that I could get what I needed at Dillon's and get home one bus later. That meant I needed to call Dan to wake him up in time and I would only have time to put away groceries and head back to the bus stop, but it worked. The moral of the story is, I didn't give up and go home. I got frustrated, but I accomplished my goals. I realize that to many this may seem trivial, but I felt like I just landed on the moon.
I took Payton to school and then went to HyVee to take advantage of some sales and get snacks for Livi's class. I had my schedule down to getting home in time to wake Dan and Livi up to take to Deerfield with me and then lunch and get Livi to school. A computer glitch at HyVee meant I wasn't able to buy what I needed. I got frustrated and a cried a little. I headed for the bus stop with the intention of heading home. As I waited for the bus, I realized that I could get what I needed at Dillon's and get home one bus later. That meant I needed to call Dan to wake him up in time and I would only have time to put away groceries and head back to the bus stop, but it worked. The moral of the story is, I didn't give up and go home. I got frustrated, but I accomplished my goals. I realize that to many this may seem trivial, but I felt like I just landed on the moon.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Day 81: No Lines
Is there a line between being needy and asking for help?
Where is the line between being strong and being pridefully stupid?
I can't seem to find my lines anymore. I'm in the middle of a gigantic parking lot. Shiny black asphalt as far as the eye can see. No buildings. No cars. No people. No lines.
I don't know which way to go.
Jack Canfield says to take 100% responsibility for your life. Stephen Covey says to be proactive. Life is about making choices and taking charge. Don't respond to the world, let the world respond to you. I think the world is allergic. When I try to take initiative, take charge, follow my own heart, the world has a bad reaction to me.
I started this blog because I wanted to help people. I thought that by sharing my struggles, it could help someone else, and by helping someone else, I could help me. I don't think it's working. I can't seem to be the positive force in the world that I am trying to be.
Where is the line between, "Let go and let God," and "I give up?"
Where is the line between being strong and being pridefully stupid?
I can't seem to find my lines anymore. I'm in the middle of a gigantic parking lot. Shiny black asphalt as far as the eye can see. No buildings. No cars. No people. No lines.
I don't know which way to go.
Jack Canfield says to take 100% responsibility for your life. Stephen Covey says to be proactive. Life is about making choices and taking charge. Don't respond to the world, let the world respond to you. I think the world is allergic. When I try to take initiative, take charge, follow my own heart, the world has a bad reaction to me.
I started this blog because I wanted to help people. I thought that by sharing my struggles, it could help someone else, and by helping someone else, I could help me. I don't think it's working. I can't seem to be the positive force in the world that I am trying to be.
Where is the line between, "Let go and let God," and "I give up?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)