Last December, we couldn't pay the rent. We tried to keep up with everything else, like utilities and the car payment. My depression was sucking me down into a hole and I went into denial. We still spent around twenty bucks to put some silly fun stuff in the kids stockings for Christmas and I tried to pretend that we weren't going to be homeless. We got an eviction notice in January and were living in a cheap hotel by February.
This year, we haven't paid the rent. We haven't spent a dime on Christmas for each other or the kids. There are a few gifts coming from other people, so there will be a little something under the tree, but we can't even do stocking stuffers. We don't have a car payment, but we can't afford gas. Dan was accepted into a culinary program, which has him SO excited that it's adorable, but we don't have the hundred bucks enrollment fee or the $170 payment that will be due on the first. Even if we don't pay the phone bill and lose our phones next week, we still can't pay rent and have the gas money to go get Ash for Christmas. We are waiting to see if we are eligible for food stamps again and I can't donate plasma again until January. Christmas in Quinter is January 12 and Dan has to be in court to find out how much child support they are going to garnish on the 20th. I'm trying not to get dragged down too far by this. We have been tithing and I am praying A LOT.
The only real difference between this year and last year is that I'm trying NOT to ignore this all and I'm hoping God is listening. Last year, I figured He didn't care. This year, I am hoping that He is going to fix something. I understand that He CAN fix this, I just also know that sometimes He doesn't. I know that God will give us what we need, however, I'm afraid of the difference of opinion between what I think I need and what He thinks we need.
I can't deal with the idea of having to tell Payton that we can't see Ash for Christmas. Or having to call Momma and Daddy and say we won't be seeing them in January. I can't stand the thought of seeing Dan crushed if we can't get him to school now that he's finally got hope again. I'm not getting excited about Christmas dinner, I'm just glad Dan will get to eat at work and I'm hoping Livi and I can scrounge something up. I don't know if I can make it through this again.
December is the most terrible, awful, no-good, very bad Monday ever, all stretched out to cover a whole month. Every year. Everyone says that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't feel any stronger. I feel like I'm going to shatter into a bazillion teeny-tiny little pieces. How can I tell my kids that God is going to take care of them when I can't even figure out how this faith thing works? I ask God to take care of our family, I give to my church, I tell God, "You have got to cover this, because I don't know how." I don't know how to trust Him to take care of it. I don't know how to not beat myself up for not having a job. We agreed I would stay home with Livi, but this is not working and I can't fix it. I can't even get a job because of my last two jobs ending in a questionable manner. I forgot our SRS appointment when the car broke down and we still don't have food stamps again.
In a way, it's way scarier to have hope than to give up. Last year, I knew we were gonna be homeless because I couldn't see any other scenario. This year, I hope that there is another plan that I just don't see. But what if there isn't? What if it's in God's plan for me to be just a little more humble? A lot of people say things about how much richer we are than other countries. I know that's supposed to make me feel more grateful for what I have. I am so glad I have Dan and Payton and Livi and that we are all healthy. I truly am. But hearing of how much better this is than in some other places doesn't make me feel guilty for living in the lap of luxury. It makes me feel guilty that I don't feel as bad as I think I should for those poor people living in other places. Sometimes, I am not as nice a person as I want to think that I am.
Somebody bought me a pair of boots last week. They were cute and warm and didn't fit so I had to trade them in for guy boots that will keep my toes warm. It's awesome to have warm shoes again and it touched my heart when a group of folks at my church donated warm socks to the homeless shelter this year. Today, a friend of mine gave the socks she was wearing to someone with cold, wet feet. I love being around people with such a love that strives to understands the needs of others at a real level. It helps me a little to know that there are loving people out there who are doing all they can for others. It's amazing to know them. I wish I could get my Christmas spirit revved up to do the same. It's hard to look to how you can help someone else when you can't even help your own kids.
Lord, help us. We need it. Please get this. Please fix this in such a way as to carry us into a better place. Please don't let us go through this again. I know Livi wants to live in a motel again, but I really really don't. I'm doing the best I can, but you know that's not very good. I'm not good at faith. I am trying. I've made it to hope. That's a big step for me. I'm sorry I don't trust you yet. Maybe next year? Amen.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Pre-holiday depression
Life has been a little rough for us in the last year or so. In a lot of ways, things are harder than they have ever been. We are currently living in a two bedroom apartment where the kids each have a room and Dan and I sleep on a bed in the living room. We live in the cheapest available apartments in town and we still had to get my ex-husband to co-sign so we could live here. We don't have a car, but we still owe money for the one that doesn't run. Our loaner car takes ten bucks every day or two in gas to get around town. Dan and I each own one pair of jeans, but Dan can't find his.
In other ways, things are a ton better than this time last year. We are paying the bills. There is almost nothing left over, but we are not in danger of eviction. We are juggling disconnect notices, but so far we are keeping up. We live in a town with a bus system that takes us almost everywhere we need to go and we do have a loaner car. We may have to push the utilities envelope a little further, but we will probably be able to see my family for Thanksgiving.
I have my good days and my bad days when it comes to depression, but I have learned of a local place where I might be able to get free therapy. Beyond that, in the past year, I have been to that point where I fully and truly believed that my family would be better off without me. I still struggle, but I know that I am valued and I am loved and I am not alone. I know that things will be hard, but I have a husband who supports me, beautiful kids who love me, a church family like I had never imagined before, an extended family that are tight even over distance and friends who are there for me.
So why is the whole season of watching the homes around us light up so damn hard? I just realized that our tree and all of our decorations were in the storage shed that we couldn't keep paying for. They were all lost. We picked out new ornaments for each member of the family every year. Sometimes they were fifteen dollar Hallmark ornaments, and sometimes they were from the dollar store. One year we bought cardboard stars and painted them ourselves. Payton's very first ornament was there. It was a brass teddy bear that Aaron and I picked out together and we had his name and birth date engraved in it. His second ornament was a little cross-stitched thing that I made for him when he was two. It was just Payton and I and money was tight but I bought a little kit thing so he could still have an ornament. There was this book about the nativity story. There were six pages and each page had a cardboard ornament that we could hang up after we read the story. Ash had a Barbie ballerina, probably from the nutcracker and an angel that she had her Grandma Barbie buy for her birthday from Everything But Ice, which is gone now.
All of these ornaments had great memories attached. But they are just things. I still have my kids. We can make more memories. What is the issue? This is not really what Christmas is all about. What is my problem?
I try to be positive in my social networking, but I posted my conundrum on facebook:
Trying to decide if I'm more frustrated to realize we no longer have Christmas decorations, or that there is no place to put a tree if we had one. *sigh*
I got some cheap and creative ideas to decorate along with an offer for a tree. One person added, "Enjoy your family." That's when it hit me. I don't even know if I can do that.
Right now, we are signed up to be adopted for Christmas gifts so maybe we can all get some new warm clothes. I saw the cutest Mickey Mouse stocking hat thing at Walgreen's with two pom poms on top to be Mickey's ears. It was only eight bucks, but we still can't buy it for Livi. Christmas dinner will be whatever I can get close to free with my coupons. Free hot dogs at the gas station around the corner today were a lifesaver. I really thought this was the cause of my melancholy until I read that one comment that was tagged onto the end, almost as an after thought. "Enjoy your family."
I have had the privilege to help raise five children through various parts of their lives. Payton's been mine for almost 13 years now, close to 14 years if you count gestation. Livi's been mine for almost five years. I helped raise Ash from the time she was three until she was nine, and then we still had every other weekend and over the summers. We aren't going to get to take her to Oklahoma with us, and we may not be able to go get her for Thanksgiving weekend if we got to Oklahoma. We may not see her again before the end of the year. Saanna lived with us for three and a half years. She picked out an "our first year" ornament the first year she was with us. :) As long as we get to Oklahoma, we should see her for Thanksgiving. Ash's half brother, Avian, lived with us for a year and a half. I don't even see him once a year for long enough to say hello. We had the Hallmark ornament of Harry Potter with the invisibility cloak that Avian picked out in storage. We also had this little gingerbread man that Avian had decorated that year we went to Dan's Grandma's for Christmas. It has a space cut out and we had Avian's picture in it. He was eight. That was the year he called 911 from the Holiday Inn. lol
Enjoy the family. Once you take part in raising a child, they are yours. I know that Nana never thought of me as a mom and I doubt that Avian really thinks of me at all anymore. But in my heart, I have helped raise five kids and they are all mine. Sure, I share them with other people, but they are still my kids. There are four babies, who may have names in heaven, that I never got to know. Of the nine kids in my life, I know I will see Livi and Payton. I may see Nana and Ash, or I may not see either of them. I won't even have a glimpse of Avian, most likely.
I tell the kids all the time, you can't be sad that you miss people. You have to be glad for the people who are with you or you'll always be sad for someone who is not there. I love Dan, Livi and Payton to infinity and beyond. I am immeasurably grateful that I have them every day. I am so scared that we are going to lose Ashlynn as completely as I have lost Avian. The pain of losing Avian has just crashed down on me again this year. I didn't even realize the hurt was still there. I thought I was past it. I thought I had dealt with the miscarriages. I thought that since Nana has grown up and is a mama and that we talk, the pain of her abrupt leave from our home was healed. It's all still there.
Ouch. . .
I don't know if this will help me get back on track to realize where all this hurt is coming from. I hope so. I know that I'm working hard to not take for granted those people that I do have around me because you never know what is going to happen next. I'm hoping that focusing on those I have with me will help to ease the loss of those who aren't. God, please help me with that. I'm going to need it. Amen.
In other ways, things are a ton better than this time last year. We are paying the bills. There is almost nothing left over, but we are not in danger of eviction. We are juggling disconnect notices, but so far we are keeping up. We live in a town with a bus system that takes us almost everywhere we need to go and we do have a loaner car. We may have to push the utilities envelope a little further, but we will probably be able to see my family for Thanksgiving.
I have my good days and my bad days when it comes to depression, but I have learned of a local place where I might be able to get free therapy. Beyond that, in the past year, I have been to that point where I fully and truly believed that my family would be better off without me. I still struggle, but I know that I am valued and I am loved and I am not alone. I know that things will be hard, but I have a husband who supports me, beautiful kids who love me, a church family like I had never imagined before, an extended family that are tight even over distance and friends who are there for me.
So why is the whole season of watching the homes around us light up so damn hard? I just realized that our tree and all of our decorations were in the storage shed that we couldn't keep paying for. They were all lost. We picked out new ornaments for each member of the family every year. Sometimes they were fifteen dollar Hallmark ornaments, and sometimes they were from the dollar store. One year we bought cardboard stars and painted them ourselves. Payton's very first ornament was there. It was a brass teddy bear that Aaron and I picked out together and we had his name and birth date engraved in it. His second ornament was a little cross-stitched thing that I made for him when he was two. It was just Payton and I and money was tight but I bought a little kit thing so he could still have an ornament. There was this book about the nativity story. There were six pages and each page had a cardboard ornament that we could hang up after we read the story. Ash had a Barbie ballerina, probably from the nutcracker and an angel that she had her Grandma Barbie buy for her birthday from Everything But Ice, which is gone now.
All of these ornaments had great memories attached. But they are just things. I still have my kids. We can make more memories. What is the issue? This is not really what Christmas is all about. What is my problem?
I try to be positive in my social networking, but I posted my conundrum on facebook:
Trying to decide if I'm more frustrated to realize we no longer have Christmas decorations, or that there is no place to put a tree if we had one. *sigh*
I got some cheap and creative ideas to decorate along with an offer for a tree. One person added, "Enjoy your family." That's when it hit me. I don't even know if I can do that.
Right now, we are signed up to be adopted for Christmas gifts so maybe we can all get some new warm clothes. I saw the cutest Mickey Mouse stocking hat thing at Walgreen's with two pom poms on top to be Mickey's ears. It was only eight bucks, but we still can't buy it for Livi. Christmas dinner will be whatever I can get close to free with my coupons. Free hot dogs at the gas station around the corner today were a lifesaver. I really thought this was the cause of my melancholy until I read that one comment that was tagged onto the end, almost as an after thought. "Enjoy your family."
I have had the privilege to help raise five children through various parts of their lives. Payton's been mine for almost 13 years now, close to 14 years if you count gestation. Livi's been mine for almost five years. I helped raise Ash from the time she was three until she was nine, and then we still had every other weekend and over the summers. We aren't going to get to take her to Oklahoma with us, and we may not be able to go get her for Thanksgiving weekend if we got to Oklahoma. We may not see her again before the end of the year. Saanna lived with us for three and a half years. She picked out an "our first year" ornament the first year she was with us. :) As long as we get to Oklahoma, we should see her for Thanksgiving. Ash's half brother, Avian, lived with us for a year and a half. I don't even see him once a year for long enough to say hello. We had the Hallmark ornament of Harry Potter with the invisibility cloak that Avian picked out in storage. We also had this little gingerbread man that Avian had decorated that year we went to Dan's Grandma's for Christmas. It has a space cut out and we had Avian's picture in it. He was eight. That was the year he called 911 from the Holiday Inn. lol
Enjoy the family. Once you take part in raising a child, they are yours. I know that Nana never thought of me as a mom and I doubt that Avian really thinks of me at all anymore. But in my heart, I have helped raise five kids and they are all mine. Sure, I share them with other people, but they are still my kids. There are four babies, who may have names in heaven, that I never got to know. Of the nine kids in my life, I know I will see Livi and Payton. I may see Nana and Ash, or I may not see either of them. I won't even have a glimpse of Avian, most likely.
I tell the kids all the time, you can't be sad that you miss people. You have to be glad for the people who are with you or you'll always be sad for someone who is not there. I love Dan, Livi and Payton to infinity and beyond. I am immeasurably grateful that I have them every day. I am so scared that we are going to lose Ashlynn as completely as I have lost Avian. The pain of losing Avian has just crashed down on me again this year. I didn't even realize the hurt was still there. I thought I was past it. I thought I had dealt with the miscarriages. I thought that since Nana has grown up and is a mama and that we talk, the pain of her abrupt leave from our home was healed. It's all still there.
Ouch. . .
I don't know if this will help me get back on track to realize where all this hurt is coming from. I hope so. I know that I'm working hard to not take for granted those people that I do have around me because you never know what is going to happen next. I'm hoping that focusing on those I have with me will help to ease the loss of those who aren't. God, please help me with that. I'm going to need it. Amen.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Day 309: PCOS and inflammation
Polycystolic Ovary Syndrome is, among other things, an inflammatory disease. Every cell in your body is irritated, and not just figuratively! This causes pain and annoyance as well as making us an easy target for other types of inflammation. I've been chatting with a lot of ladies lately who are suffering from the pain and other effects of the inflammation and would like to share some of the information that I have learned in hopes that some of it may help you. Remember, just as each of us has our own different mix of symptoms, what remedy is fabulous for me, may not work as well for you and vice versa. These are a few great places to start and there are no negative side effects in trying them out.
One important thing to understand about food is that everything you eat will either be alkaline or acid once it is digested. Acid foods will increase inflammation and alkaline foods will decrease inflammation. All meats and dairy products are acids. The key is not to remove ALL of the acid foods, but to focus primarily on alkaline foods. It is recommended to eat 70-80% alkaline foods. Red meats seem to be higher in acid than white meats, which somehow, didn't really surprise me. I got this info from my chiropractor, Dr. Risley, who got it from a peer who works a lot with nutrition as medicine. Alkaline/Acid Food List Another grain that I like a lot is quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah). You can use it like rice and cook it the same way, it just takes a bit longer. It has all eight of the essential aminos, so it is one of the few plants that contains complete protein. It's kind of a protein-carb combo and who doesn't love that idea? :) It seems to be confusing to folks whether it is alkaline or acid. I've seen it listed both ways. It breaks down to amino acids though, so if it's acid, seems like it's good acid? The point is, I am not an expert on this, I'm still learning. Do some research and see how you can make some changes that could reduce inflammation in a way that is cheap and you can live with. Reduced inflammation usually means reduced pain. It won't cure anything, that I know of, but it could be a great help.
If you are looking into supplements, magnesium and fish oil are both anti-inflammatory. It's hard to find solid info on what dosage might be recommended so do your own research or experiment and see what works. Always start with a moderate dosage and build up if you need to rather than starting high and working down. Too much magnesium will lead to loose stools, so it's pretty easy to know when you're hit your max dosage.
You always want to have a reliable source when you're buying supplements. Certain supplements, such as fish oil, can turn rancid if they are allowed to reach high temperatures, negating their nutritional value. Swansonvitamins.com and Vitacost.com are two sites that have been recommended to me by healthcare professionals. I have used Swanson and they were prompt and fairly cheap.
Hopefully this info might give you a place to start in your own research or recovery. Best of luck!
One important thing to understand about food is that everything you eat will either be alkaline or acid once it is digested. Acid foods will increase inflammation and alkaline foods will decrease inflammation. All meats and dairy products are acids. The key is not to remove ALL of the acid foods, but to focus primarily on alkaline foods. It is recommended to eat 70-80% alkaline foods. Red meats seem to be higher in acid than white meats, which somehow, didn't really surprise me. I got this info from my chiropractor, Dr. Risley, who got it from a peer who works a lot with nutrition as medicine. Alkaline/Acid Food List Another grain that I like a lot is quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah). You can use it like rice and cook it the same way, it just takes a bit longer. It has all eight of the essential aminos, so it is one of the few plants that contains complete protein. It's kind of a protein-carb combo and who doesn't love that idea? :) It seems to be confusing to folks whether it is alkaline or acid. I've seen it listed both ways. It breaks down to amino acids though, so if it's acid, seems like it's good acid? The point is, I am not an expert on this, I'm still learning. Do some research and see how you can make some changes that could reduce inflammation in a way that is cheap and you can live with. Reduced inflammation usually means reduced pain. It won't cure anything, that I know of, but it could be a great help.
If you are looking into supplements, magnesium and fish oil are both anti-inflammatory. It's hard to find solid info on what dosage might be recommended so do your own research or experiment and see what works. Always start with a moderate dosage and build up if you need to rather than starting high and working down. Too much magnesium will lead to loose stools, so it's pretty easy to know when you're hit your max dosage.
You always want to have a reliable source when you're buying supplements. Certain supplements, such as fish oil, can turn rancid if they are allowed to reach high temperatures, negating their nutritional value. Swansonvitamins.com and Vitacost.com are two sites that have been recommended to me by healthcare professionals. I have used Swanson and they were prompt and fairly cheap.
Hopefully this info might give you a place to start in your own research or recovery. Best of luck!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 308: Reshape Report
Today was the third Monday of the new health program that Dan and I started. Two weeks ago, we did sit ups, squats and push ups for two minutes each. Today, we retested. Our results were very promising!
There are three levels to each exercise. For example, you can do regular push ups-advanced, push ups on your knees-intermediate, or just leave your tummy on the ground and lift your shoulders with your arms-baby ups. I counted beginner exercises as .33 of an exercise, intermediates as .67 and advanced as 1. Here are the results.
Dan Push ups 15.96 to 27.04. Sit ups 22.02 to 29. Squats 32.04 to 45.
Eeka Push ups 9.9 to 16.33. Sit ups 11.6 to 29. Squats 28.71 to 44.
HOW AWESOME IS THAT??! I was a little worried about doing our weigh in today. We both had obviously gotten stronger and I psyched myself up for a weight gain because muscle weighs more than fat.
Dan was a little disappointed in his weight because he was at 307.6 and was really hoping to hit 300 this week. He dropped down to 307 even. Half a pound was better than an increase, but he was a little bummed. You can totally see the change in his shape though, already. He doesn't stay bummed for long and he's already trying to figure out how to fit trips to the weight room into the schedule.
I was at 255 last week. I was hoping to be under 250 this week, but I was really nervous because we have done so many other things to try to be healthy and none of them seem to work for me. I just didn't want to go up too much. I just wanted to stay under 260 before I start to lose, in theory. My weight today was 253.4!! :)
With Dan and I working together, we both made actual progress! We are gonna be sexy someday! ;) This next two weeks will be quite a test as we are pretty much out of money for any more veggies for the rest of the month, but we'll work something out. I still can't believe that I actually lost weight and got stronger. And I think my clothes might actually be a tad bit looser. :) YAY, US!
There are three levels to each exercise. For example, you can do regular push ups-advanced, push ups on your knees-intermediate, or just leave your tummy on the ground and lift your shoulders with your arms-baby ups. I counted beginner exercises as .33 of an exercise, intermediates as .67 and advanced as 1. Here are the results.
Dan Push ups 15.96 to 27.04. Sit ups 22.02 to 29. Squats 32.04 to 45.
Eeka Push ups 9.9 to 16.33. Sit ups 11.6 to 29. Squats 28.71 to 44.
HOW AWESOME IS THAT??! I was a little worried about doing our weigh in today. We both had obviously gotten stronger and I psyched myself up for a weight gain because muscle weighs more than fat.
Dan was a little disappointed in his weight because he was at 307.6 and was really hoping to hit 300 this week. He dropped down to 307 even. Half a pound was better than an increase, but he was a little bummed. You can totally see the change in his shape though, already. He doesn't stay bummed for long and he's already trying to figure out how to fit trips to the weight room into the schedule.
I was at 255 last week. I was hoping to be under 250 this week, but I was really nervous because we have done so many other things to try to be healthy and none of them seem to work for me. I just didn't want to go up too much. I just wanted to stay under 260 before I start to lose, in theory. My weight today was 253.4!! :)
With Dan and I working together, we both made actual progress! We are gonna be sexy someday! ;) This next two weeks will be quite a test as we are pretty much out of money for any more veggies for the rest of the month, but we'll work something out. I still can't believe that I actually lost weight and got stronger. And I think my clothes might actually be a tad bit looser. :) YAY, US!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Wisdom of Solomon (Letting Go Part 4)
This was written in the fall of 2007. I just found it on an old online journal today. I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom. Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits.
With everything going on lately, I have been in pretty close contact with my extended family. Before we finalized our decision to let Ash go, we talked to everyone we could think of. We talked to the school counselor, the teachers, Momma and Daddy, Dan's mom, my sisters, my brother and close friends. We were desperate to find a better path. My folks said that they had wondered themselves if it wouldn't be better to let Ash go, but they didn't want to suggest that to us as it was not their decision to make. The school counselor was very supportive and offered suggestions on how to help the kids handle the change. The teachers we also supportive and assured me that they will keep a close eye on the kids to see if there are any issues we need to address. Ashlynn's teacher was very disappointed that Ash will be leaving. I was worried that my youngest sister would be upset with me because she has been trying for several years to have a baby but it hasn't worked out. She was also understanding. The only person who was not understanding was Dan's dad. But he has made very little attempt to connect with our family until recently and so I don't think he understands the situation. He and I have had our go-rounds and I don't bother with him much. He never seems to support Dan in anything he does. He told Dan he was not supporting his family when the kids were little and he was the one staying home because I made more money. He didn't attend our wedding and he doesn't treat either of the sons Dan has chosen to raise as grandkids. He constantly harasses Dan because he doesn't have a son to carry on the family name, but about the time Dan and I got married, his dad wanted to change his last name anyway. I have given up trying to understand him, I just wish he could support Dan because I know he is never happy when the phone calls end. We are so lucky that his mom and my family are supportive. They realize that this was not the easy decision for us, but the one we felt was best. Even after all of the phone calls and all of the moral support, I felt the best after I talked to my sister, Jesi. When I talked to Jesi, I told her that I felt like we were tearing Ash apart. Jesi reminded me of a story about Solomon that really reassured me and gave me confidence that we were on the right path.
Dan wrote this poem about our struggles.From us she took, through
Biological warfare,
Our innocent child.
Our dearest loved one.
Lost but never forgotten.
The courts have failed us.
I have seen smiles fade,
And tempers flare in anger,
Why did she take her?
We have asked ourselves why Melissa would take our little girl so many times, but we know the answer. We have never tried to keep her from Melissa, but we have tried to provide stability which Melissa has worked to undermine even when she wasn't ready to raise a child. In "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield, there is a quote, that I can't find again as the book is back with the library, that suggests that we all do our best. It says that everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge and tools they have available to them at any given time. While I completely disagree with Melissa's methods, I can't expect her to do more than her best. I'm sure that in her eyes she is doing what is best. We can only pray that it will be good enough.
Fall Out (Letting Go Part 3)
This was written in the fall of 2007. I just found it on an old online journal today. I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom. Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits.
Dan and I went to court on November 5th. The judge gave us a week to prepare a list of witnesses and documents for his ex wife’s attorney, and he gave us 30 days to find an attorney of our own. Even allowing all of this, the hearing was still scheduled for December 13th so that Ashlynn could be moved over Christmas break if we lost. Merry Christmas for them. Not such a merry Christmas for us. I spent the rest of the week gathering the documents we needed and trying to contact attorneys in Hays. Unfortunately, in such a small town, everyone kept referring us back to the firm that she was working with. Again, not very reassuring for us.
If you have ever dealt with attorneys much, you learn very quickly that they are the hardest people on the planet to actually get in touch with. I used to have a job that consisted primarily of contacting attorneys and connecting them up with potential clients. I got to be pretty good at it, knowing what attorneys in what areas of the state would handle what types of cases, etc. But I also got pretty good at knowing who I could expect to hear back from and who I could forget about if I had to leave a message. I wasn’t too surprised to speak with one attorney, set a phone conference in a two weeks with another and I still haven’t heard back from the third attorney I tried to contact. Our plan was to try to get a change of venue, and from there we could get legal assistance closer to home.
We started discussing the options that we would have if we couldn’t find an attorney, and what our odds actually were of keeping our daughter. One day, I asked Dan if it would be better for Ash if we just gave up now, before court. That would keep her from the stress of it and we wouldn’t all be going through this year after year until we finally lost. We are in a mommy state, so no matter what we have done for Ash or how little Melissa has done, at some point, we will lose. Dan had already been thinking along those same lines. I think that we were both afraid to say it out loud.We came to our decision on Tuesday night. It was pretty tentative. We were still looking for anything that might suggest to us that this was the wrong way to go. I think I can kind of understand how Abraham must have felt when God told him to sacrifice his son, Isaac. We kept looking and listening for that ram, but I guess they were out of season. I am finally beginning to feel as if this might not be an actual sacrifice, but I am terrified none the less. I’m not very good at faith. I want to believe that if God has forced this choice upon us, that He is going to protect our little girl. I hope He is going to be looking out for her because I don’t trust Melissa to do it. Maybe that is sacrilegious or maybe I’m just a lousy Christian. Probably a little bit of both. Part of me can’t believe that God’s really looking out for Ashlynn, because if He was, wouldn’t He have helped Melissa realize what she has been doing to Ash for the last five and a half years? Wouldn’t He have helped her to see that she has to put her kids’ needs before her own? Wouldn’t He have shown her that instead of being angry at me for being a mom to Ash, she should be thanking me for being a mom when she wasn’t ready to do it herself? If He wouldn’t do that, how can I trust that he’s going to watch out for Ashie now?
Dan has more faith than I do. He doesn’t have faith in God, exactly. He has faith that the world is inherently good and things will turn out for the best. He doesn’t really have a structured belief in God, but then, not a lot about Dan is structured. If you ask him what he thinks, he will tell you that he doesn’t really think about God. He figures someone is out there, but he doesn’t really seem to care one way or another. It’s all very odd to me. I can’t completely relate to this concept. I believe in God. I believe that he’s there. I’ve always believed that He can work miracles. I think I was one. I think my kids are. But I don’t understand how He decides when to act and when to watch or when to just ignore us all. Is He really helping us? I have a friend who told me once that she believes that God helped us all that He is going to at conception. She felt that by giving us each the talents and family that we were born with, He has provided us with the tools we need for life and we are on our own. Others have told me that God has a path laid out for each of us to take, but that we may never end up where He wants us to be because we have plenty of opportunities to mess it all up and go the wrong way. They tell me that He will guide us back to that path if we are listening and will help us get where we need to be if we ask. But with billions of souls on Earth alone, why would He listen to me? And if the answer to my prayer is that He’s going to let me figure it out on my own so I can be stronger, why should I pray in the first place? And if He’s not listening, am I just going crazy talking to myself?
So, I have had a lot of thoughts playing bumper cars inside my brain, and I don’t think they were all wearing the required safety harnesses. Some of them got a bit carried away and I started to get a little edgy. Dan was apparently experiencing a similar sort of thing and by the Monday after we made our decision, three days before Thanksgiving, we were not getting along so well. Dan’s momma was in town for Payton’s birthday on the 16th and Dan’s on the 25th and she took us out to a lovely dinner at Olive Garden. We followed that up by going bowling. Dan and I got into a large and completely ridiculous argument. He followed this up by ignoring my frustrations, which, of course, only added to them. By the time we returned home that night, I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. When he wanted to get all snuggly, I wanted to yell at him. I didn’t yell, but I did point out that ignoring me when I am angry was not going to help the situation. He pointed out that he thought I was being childish to be upset in the first place. We calmly went on for a bit before we got down to the real truth. We weren’t arguing about bowling. DUH! We were just venting our frustrations over the situation. We were both scared that we were making a wrong decision and that day I had finally called Melissa to discuss the decision with her. To her credit, she sounded as if she was excited but trying to stay calm on the phone. She has been extra nice since then, but who is to say whether that is because she is sympathetic to how we are feeling or because she doesn’t want us to change our minds. Anyway, Dan and I really talked about how we were feeling and got back to where we should have been in the first place. I told Dan that I am having a hard enough time dealing with this, I can’t do it without him. I need to be on his side. He told me that he can’t lose me. He said that I am all he has. It still makes me so sad to remember how he said that. He told me that he got on his momma’s nerves because he kept calling her Ericka all day. His best friend since high school, one of the big reasons we moved here in the first place, really hasn’t had much to do with us since we had Olivia. We chat when we run into each other in the parking lot, but that’s about it. I told him that I want to be his best friend, but I don’t want to be his only friend. He doesn’t really have anyone else that he feels like he can talk to. Dan’s mostly weird for a guy. He doesn’t seem to worry about the same kinds of things that most guys I have known think about. But he’s very normal in that he’s not comfortable talking about his emotions with other people. With me, it seems to be ok. He just doesn’t know how to bring things like that up with anyone else. I told him that he should talk to our friend, Max. We have been spending a lot of time with Max and Emily and they both know what is going on. We are going to their church next weekend so we will be spending more time with them. I am hoping that this will make things easier for Dan.
So many people have told me that we are strong and we are great parents to let Ash go. It feels more like we are two drunks leaning on each other to stagger back to the car after last call. The problem with that is, we have three kids in the car with us.
A Beautiful Night (Letting Go Part 2)
This was written in the fall of 2007. I just found it on an old online journal today. I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom. Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits.
Well, it has been an interesting week now. Our internet has been more down than up, so I haven't written as soon as I needed to. Now instead of having two or three articles, it's all pretty much run into one. Hopefully that won't make things too confusing for anyone but me. :)
Well, it has been an interesting week now. Our internet has been more down than up, so I haven't written as soon as I needed to. Now instead of having two or three articles, it's all pretty much run into one. Hopefully that won't make things too confusing for anyone but me. :)
If you haven't read about our gut-wrenching, heart-breaking decision in Our Little Girl, then this may not seem very relavent to you. I can't really take myself through that experience again at this point, so if you need more background, you'll have to read the article. The short version is that Dan and I have decided to let go of our nine year old daughter so she can live with her biological mother.
Last week, on Tuesday, we broke the news to Payton and Ashlynn. We could have told them a few days earlier, but we wanted to wait until after Payton's birthday weekend was over so we wouldn't spoil his fun and he wouldn't begin to associate his birthday to a negative experience.
So, we rented Guitar Hero III and took the kids out for a pizza buffet for supper. We were trying to make it a fun family night. The only problem was that I had to go close out a show so we didn't want to break the news until after that. Unfortunately, I had talked to the teachers earlier that day to prepare them in advance and my son overheard Ash's teacher telling me she was so sorry. So he wanted to know what the bad news was and I let him know I would tell him later. All in all, the kids, of course, are aware of more than we expect and it was not exactly the fun relaxing evening we were hoping for. After I got back from closing my show, I scooped some ice cream for each of us and we sat down to talk.
In situations like this, I usually do the talking to start with and Dan helps me out when I get stuck. We had already talked about this a lot so he and I were on the same page. I knew this would be hard, I just didn't know how hard.
I explained to the kids that Dan and I had made a really hard decision. I reminded them, as if they needed it, that we were supposed to be going to court soon to fight for custody of Ashlynn. I explained how this was putting a lot of pressure on us as a family and we felt like Ashlynn was being hurt. I told them that it's like we have a hold of Ashlynn's hand and Melissa has a hold of the other one. Then we are all pulling and playing tug of war, and it's hurting Ashlynn. It's not hurting her physically like we are pulling on her, but it's hurting her heart. We explained that we have worked hard to build a stable home for our kids where they can feel safe and like they are where they should be. And we explained how it's hard for Ashlynn to feel like she is where she should be when Melissa is pulling her that way all of the time. And we discussed how much Ashlynn has wanted time and attention from Melissa for the last five years, but now Melissa is finally giving it to her. I asked Payton if he had not had attention from his Daddy like he does, if he thought he would want to move if his Daddy started paying attention to him too. He thought that he might. I almost didn't tell Payton that Ashlynn wants to go live with Melissa, but then I felt that would leave her with a secret that would still make things hard, so I threw that out in the open too. We explained that we don't want to fight and hurt Ashlynn anymore, but Melissa is going to keep dragging us back to court. We let the kids know that if we win this time, we'll have to go back to court again and again and again until we finally lose, because that is how Kansas works. And then I broke the news that Dan and I had decided to let Ashlynn go live with her mom.
I knew it was going to be hard. I thought I was prepared for it. Ashlynn didn't really react right away. I don't think the impact really hit her. She wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad. I thought Payton would be shocked and then I would see the realization dawn on him and he would gradually start to cry. But that's not what happened at all. There was no shock. It was like he had already figured it out and was just waiting for me to confirm his worst fears. There was no hesitation at all before his little 62 pound body started shaking with sobs. I reached out to him from the other end of the couch and he couldn't even move towards me. He looked so lost, and so little, and so all alone. He finally leaned towards me a little and I scooped him into my arms and held him. I kissed his head and petted his hair and cried with him. I didn't really know what to say so I just started talking quietly and softly to try to help him. Ashlynn started to cry at this point too. Not the body racking sobs that Payton was still experiencing, but tears were pouring down her cheeks. Dan snuggled her up very much like I had Payton.
I talked to Payton until he started to respond to me again. I asked if he understood why we had made the decision we made. He nodded his head. But I was not reassured enough by the back of his head so I asked him to look at me. His eyes were so red and he looked so devastated. It was a lot easier to talk to the back of his head but I had to make sure he was going to be ok. I asked him if he thought we did the right thing. He said we had to do it for Ashlynn. But then he said he hated Melissa and that she was a bad person. I told him that he can't hate her. He asked me why not. I explained that this will hurt Ashlynn because Melissa is her mom and Ash loves her. I also let him know how that would hurt him too. I told him that Melissa is not a bad person. She is just doing what she thinks is the right thing to do. I had already told myself that a hundred times, but I guess I wasn't really ready to believe it until I told Payton.
Dan and Ash didn't really say much through this, they mostly just watched Payton and I. Ash said, "I didn't know you loved me that much, Payton." And he said, "I didn't either." It was such a painful process and it's really just started. But it was such a beautiful moment, watching them truly realize and appreciate what they meant to each other. They are too young. I wish we did not have to put them through this, but I know they are both coming out stronger and better for it. We started talking about how we will have all the long weekends now, and spring break every year and that Ash will be here all summer. Soon we were all laughing and having fun again. It seemed as if it had lasted hours but Payton handed me my ice cream and told me I needed to eat it before it melted. It was one of those bizarre time pockets that catch you, I guess.
Then Ash took her turn at Guitar Hero while I cuddled Payton. Then when it was Dan and my turn to play, Ash and Payton cuddled up and giggled like they were at a slumber party. The stress of the unknown was gone. The weight of how to tell the kids and the worry of how they were going to take it had been lifted. The rest of the night felt like a vacation. We tucked the kids in that night with hugs and kisses and smiles. Dan and I wrapped up in each other, knowing that we were doing the right thing, and finally starting to feel that way too.
Our Little Girl (Letting Go Part 1)
This was written in the fall of 2007. I just found it on an old online journal today. I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom. Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits.
It's war. Nobody wins. Everybody loses. So we will surrender. The only way to protect anyone from the horror is to simply give up the fight. Step back. Let go. It is so much easier to fight. But we have to do what is best for Ash and if we keep fighting, she is the one who is damaged the most. She's nine now. And she wants her mommy.
And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I have been there for and helped her through, I can't be the one who gave birth to her. I have been her every day mom since she was three. I've built two different castle birthday cakes, a princess, a tee pee and a Christmas tree. I've studied spelling words every day of the week for nine months of the last three years. I've spent hours scouring book stores for books that were not only her reading level, but that would catch hold of her imagination. I've taken care of her on the rare instances when she was sick. I stayed home with her for the week that she ran a fever because a full day of school in first grade and a bully at recess intimidated her. I've struggled to help her achieve and celebrate all the little every day successes to build her confidence. In the long run, I hope that all of this matters. I hope that the work we have put into helping her know right from wrong and what it means to be a family will help her become the person she wants to be. I hope that in the long run, we see that we have done the right things and made the right decisions. In the short term, it stinks. In the short term, it doesn't matter what I've done. Nobody cares that she's my sunshine.
Nobody cares what is going to happen to Payton. Or if he's going to hate us for the decision we have made. How do you explain this to a nine year old? And he will officially be nine in another three hours and 24 minutes. He was so angry at me when Saanna left. It was almost a month before we realized that he wasn't just mad at the situation. He was mad at me. He was mad because I let her go. Saanna is my neice. She was 13 when she moved in with us and she lived with us until she was 16. She ran away and we reported her missing. She came home and said she wanted to work things out. Two days later she was gone again. When the cops brought her back, they asked if we wanted her to stay. We told them that we did, but she would have to agree to counseling and if she left again, there would be no more chances. We had our other kids to think of too. She decided to leave. Yes, we let her go. But it was the best thing we could do for our family. We have worked too hard to build stability for our kids to let someone who doesn't want that ruin it for them. Payton and I had a long talk and started things on the right track again. It took a while, but once I got him talking, we were able to work through it.
Saanna was his cousin. She lived with us for three years. Ash is his sister. They have been together for six years. He doesn't remember what life was like before she lived with us. They were in pre-school together. Kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade. . . The hearing is set for December 13th, and they want to move her over Christmas break. So we have to come to an agreement before that. Is that enough time to prepare kids for something like that? Or is it too much time?
I am going to call the guidance counselor at the school tomorrow. Maybe she can give us some guidance. How do we break this to them? Ash will be excited, and that will hurt Payton. It will hurt me too, but hell, I'm already hurting more than I realized I could. And I feel like it's self inflicted, but I know it's not. We are going to have to get some kind of family counseling, I think. I don't know if we can do this again. First it was Ash's half brother, Avian. He lived with us for a year and a half before Melissa decided she wanted him back. Then Saanna left. Now Ash. Our record with kids is looking truly pathetic.
We took in Dan's ex wife's son and his little girl. He had raised Avian from the time he was two and he was the only dad Avian had known. He called me mom. The first visit he made to us after Melissa took him (so she could move into HUD housing), he was already calling me Ericka. That hurt. And after a couple more visits, Dan was Dan. Then when Melissa moved back in with the guy who kicked her out, the guy who didn't want to raise someone else's kids - which is how they ended up with us in the first place - she told him that Dee was his dad and Dan's not. She tried to erase 7 years of his life. Dan was the guy who was there for the formative years. She can say that didn't matter, but she can't erase the impact Dan had on him. But what has she done to Avian's sense of stability in the process? We never even get to see him anymore so I have no idea for the most part. But Ash said he punched a kid in basketball practice when they made him mad. And Melissa said he's in counseling because of how mean he is to Ash when she's there. Sounds like he has issues and we have to be crazy to let Ash go . . .
And now we've come around full circle. Obviously we are crazy. After Ash and Avian moved in, my neice was in foster care indefinitely. I hadn't seen her for four years, but she was family. Three months after Saanna moved in, Melissa took Avian with two days notice. She called on Thursday to say that school started on Tuesday so she would pick him up on Saturday. We all worked together to get through that.
Saanna ran away. We clung to each other to deal with that. We survived. We had Olivia. I felt like she was the mortar to cement the bricks of the solid and stable family we had built together. Silly me. We've had five kids. We will soon be back down to two. Should this be telling me something?
I know, in my heart, that we have made the right decision. Do I believe that Melissa is a better parent? Not a chance. Do I believe that Melissa's home is a better environment for Ashlynn to grow up in? Not on your life. Do I believe that this is the only chance to give Ashlynn a semblance of stability? That this will end the tug of war we have been playing, using Ashlynn as the rope? Yes. I do believe that. I pray that in the long run, we will see that we have done the right thing for Ashlynn. I pray that God will watch over our little girl when I can't be there to do it myself. I pray that the attention Ash has been getting from her mom in the last six months is not just a bribe, but a sign of things to come. I pray that Melissa has finally learned to get past her own wants to put Ashlynn's needs first. I pray that the negatives I see are based on my own bias and that they aren't really there. I don't believe all of these things, but I pray for them. I pray. I have been praying a lot. And I pray that God is listening.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Day 299: Working out hard and working late
So, Dan and I got to sleep in this morning. It was pretty awesome. However, we still got our metaboost in! It was pretty intense. Even as we started it today though, we noticed that we are both stronger and doing better at the exercises than we even were on Monday. Who would have thought we would see such a fast change? This really gives me motivation to stick with the program and hope that it will truly help me to be healthier, not to mention thinner!
We had a good day. Worked on the budget, played some facebook games, hit the track for some walking (one mile in 21 minutes!) and made it to the grocery store. I did put a kink in my own meal plans today though, when I purchased some asparagus and some coke classic.
My chiropractor discovered, when x-raying my back, that I have gall stones. They are not painful, just annoying, and I thought the symptoms were just part of having kids and getting older. He gave me a recipe for disaster, some might say. He told me that if I blend half a cup of asparagus with just enough olive oil to make a "smoothie," drinking this concoction would force my gall bladder to squeeze all of the stones out. In the blender, this did not get smooth. The little hand mixer thing that you can stick down in the glass didn't get it much better. I ended up eating it with a spoon. I had added a little onion and garlic and green pepper to try to make it yummy. It wasn't horrible, but I ate it quickly and don't plan on adding it to my menu any time again soon. However, that was the easy part.
Keeping in mind that I haven't been drinking soda on a regular basis for over four years, I followed up my not-so-smoothie with six cans of coke classic in the next hour. My chiro explained that this will elevate the acidity in my blood enough to dissolve the stones so the can go away, thus avoiding the risk of future pain and possible surgery. Who wouldn't drink a few sodas to avoid pain and surgery?? What I discovered is that drinking six cokes in an hour is about as much fun as drinking a bottle of soda syrup for a prenatal diabetes test. ICK!
The good news is that my body has been reacting to this mess and I'm pretty sure it's doing what it was intended to do. The bad news is, after weaning myself down to one or two cups of coffee a week, it seems the caffeine has gotten to me. More good news, I wrote an article and cover letter for a chance to be published in the KC Star and I got a new page up on my blog! All in all, a great day, just finally getting tired and oh so ready to hit the hay.
We had a good day. Worked on the budget, played some facebook games, hit the track for some walking (one mile in 21 minutes!) and made it to the grocery store. I did put a kink in my own meal plans today though, when I purchased some asparagus and some coke classic.
My chiropractor discovered, when x-raying my back, that I have gall stones. They are not painful, just annoying, and I thought the symptoms were just part of having kids and getting older. He gave me a recipe for disaster, some might say. He told me that if I blend half a cup of asparagus with just enough olive oil to make a "smoothie," drinking this concoction would force my gall bladder to squeeze all of the stones out. In the blender, this did not get smooth. The little hand mixer thing that you can stick down in the glass didn't get it much better. I ended up eating it with a spoon. I had added a little onion and garlic and green pepper to try to make it yummy. It wasn't horrible, but I ate it quickly and don't plan on adding it to my menu any time again soon. However, that was the easy part.
Keeping in mind that I haven't been drinking soda on a regular basis for over four years, I followed up my not-so-smoothie with six cans of coke classic in the next hour. My chiro explained that this will elevate the acidity in my blood enough to dissolve the stones so the can go away, thus avoiding the risk of future pain and possible surgery. Who wouldn't drink a few sodas to avoid pain and surgery?? What I discovered is that drinking six cokes in an hour is about as much fun as drinking a bottle of soda syrup for a prenatal diabetes test. ICK!
The good news is that my body has been reacting to this mess and I'm pretty sure it's doing what it was intended to do. The bad news is, after weaning myself down to one or two cups of coffee a week, it seems the caffeine has gotten to me. More good news, I wrote an article and cover letter for a chance to be published in the KC Star and I got a new page up on my blog! All in all, a great day, just finally getting tired and oh so ready to hit the hay.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Day 294: Comfortable shoes
Whew! Dan and I just started a new exercise and nutrition program today! It's only 84 degrees out but it feels so much hotter after we just walked 1.4 miles in 30 minutes. This may not be an accomplishment for a lot of people but it's a big deal for me!
Dan signed up for Reshape the Nation with Chris Powell and I'm working it along with him. There is a new ten-minute starter routine every morning and then a walking plan. We're eating five times a day with a new suggested menu every day and quite a few options. We are also learning what menu tweaking is ok and not ok so we can mix it up enough to not get bored with it. I'm hot, sweaty and disgusting so I'm going to hop in the shower before I fix a third meal for Livi and I. She doesn't eat all of the same things Dan and I do, but she loves the opportunity for more snacks!
I have officially drunk 1/2 a gallon of water so far. That's two of my bottles with two left to go. Yesterday I hit 2.5 bottles so today, I am aiming for three. A gallon is the ultimate daily goal though.
Dan just found out that he has lost another 7 pounds! I wish I could lose weight half as fast as he does. I dropped from 262 to 252 and now I'm back up to 255. We are going to weigh in every two weeks so I am really hoping that I'll see SOMETHING.
I figure this is my best chance to make some positive changes. Dan and I are in it together. I have prayed for God to help me in this quest. We have a great chiropractor who also has been helping us with various nutrition and exercise questions. If I don't have everything I need to be successful at getting healthy . . . well, we'll just figure I've got it and go from there! :)
Dan signed up for Reshape the Nation with Chris Powell and I'm working it along with him. There is a new ten-minute starter routine every morning and then a walking plan. We're eating five times a day with a new suggested menu every day and quite a few options. We are also learning what menu tweaking is ok and not ok so we can mix it up enough to not get bored with it. I'm hot, sweaty and disgusting so I'm going to hop in the shower before I fix a third meal for Livi and I. She doesn't eat all of the same things Dan and I do, but she loves the opportunity for more snacks!
I have officially drunk 1/2 a gallon of water so far. That's two of my bottles with two left to go. Yesterday I hit 2.5 bottles so today, I am aiming for three. A gallon is the ultimate daily goal though.
Dan just found out that he has lost another 7 pounds! I wish I could lose weight half as fast as he does. I dropped from 262 to 252 and now I'm back up to 255. We are going to weigh in every two weeks so I am really hoping that I'll see SOMETHING.
I figure this is my best chance to make some positive changes. Dan and I are in it together. I have prayed for God to help me in this quest. We have a great chiropractor who also has been helping us with various nutrition and exercise questions. If I don't have everything I need to be successful at getting healthy . . . well, we'll just figure I've got it and go from there! :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Day 287: The dreaded budget
Dan and I have been working through the month of July to set up a budget and track our spending. We didn't do great, but we kind of did it. Now, using the work we laid out in July, we spent a couple hours in the afternoon and got out August budget knocked out today. I finished the tweaking of it as soon as I got home from taking Dan to work.
We are not paying the car payment and we're going to call the loan people tomorrow to ask them to repo our car. Then we're going to call the insurance ladies and cancel our full coverage and then we'll be able to spend that 106.31 on something we can actually use. We won't have to lose our phones and we should be able to pay all of the bills as well as get the kids enrolled in school. And then with the adjustments we have made, we should be able to pay Livi's tuition and I'm hoping we can get her back into dance. That's a big deal for her. And Aaron always helps with Payton's sports so the long term is looking like there is some real hope for a change.
We even budgeted in paying off one tiny little bill in full and making a small payment on another bill that is long overdue.
We also have a car to drive for a while and we have plans on budgeting our gas so Dan can drive home from work instead of walking in this heat.
This has been an amazing day! :)
We are not paying the car payment and we're going to call the loan people tomorrow to ask them to repo our car. Then we're going to call the insurance ladies and cancel our full coverage and then we'll be able to spend that 106.31 on something we can actually use. We won't have to lose our phones and we should be able to pay all of the bills as well as get the kids enrolled in school. And then with the adjustments we have made, we should be able to pay Livi's tuition and I'm hoping we can get her back into dance. That's a big deal for her. And Aaron always helps with Payton's sports so the long term is looking like there is some real hope for a change.
We even budgeted in paying off one tiny little bill in full and making a small payment on another bill that is long overdue.
We also have a car to drive for a while and we have plans on budgeting our gas so Dan can drive home from work instead of walking in this heat.
This has been an amazing day! :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Day 274: Dentistry
Wow, what a day! So this morning I went to the dentist for the first time in many many years. My teeth are in terrible shape and they hurt me. Apparently they are also making me sick and could kill me if I don't get things taken care of. Seriously?? Am I the only one who didn't know that bad teeth could kill you?
With so much damage and not enough money, I figured why start if I can't finish taking care of things? Besides that, how much of wanting my teeth fixed was just vanity? I was looking at dentistry as a great big want that was far out of my price range. I didn't realize it was a need.
So, now I have an appointment tomorrow to remove up to nine teeth. I'm stressing over how I'm going to pay for the work that will be done, but at least I don't have to pay for it all up front. Edye and June reminded me this morning that there is no reason to be anxious because God's got this covered. I made the comment that I'm not scared like a little kid is scared and June said, Oh, yes you are. Edye and June didn't take it easy on my yesterday, but they are sure good for helping me grow up in my faith. God has truly blessed me with some amazing friends.
Then, tonight, I went to my growth group. There were only four of us tonight and we didn't even end up talking about the book. We talked about Sue for a while and we talked about me for a while. Amy asked questions to her heart's content and Kelly took it all in and supported us. Amy shared what she has seen prayer do in her life recently and then they all prayed for me and my family. It was such a loving and wonderful thing.
While I was worried about money and silliness like that, Kelly, Sue and Amy were more concerned with the immediate concerns that I hadn't even thought of. Kelly is coming to get me so I won't ride the bus home and she headed to the store tonight to make sure that I'll have soft foods to eat once I'm able to eat again. Amy is coming over after work tomorrow to keep and eye on me and help out with the kids. Sue gave me her number for any help that I might need on Thursday and she's giving me a ride to house sit on Friday. I didn't ask for help and it hadn't even occurred to me that I might need help, but there it was. I feel so coddled and protected. God really has blessed me with amazing friends.
Something that used to be scary and intimidating to me has turned into such an outpouring of loving support and guidance that I can't really do anything but appreciate the miracles that God has surrounded me with. :)
With so much damage and not enough money, I figured why start if I can't finish taking care of things? Besides that, how much of wanting my teeth fixed was just vanity? I was looking at dentistry as a great big want that was far out of my price range. I didn't realize it was a need.
So, now I have an appointment tomorrow to remove up to nine teeth. I'm stressing over how I'm going to pay for the work that will be done, but at least I don't have to pay for it all up front. Edye and June reminded me this morning that there is no reason to be anxious because God's got this covered. I made the comment that I'm not scared like a little kid is scared and June said, Oh, yes you are. Edye and June didn't take it easy on my yesterday, but they are sure good for helping me grow up in my faith. God has truly blessed me with some amazing friends.
Then, tonight, I went to my growth group. There were only four of us tonight and we didn't even end up talking about the book. We talked about Sue for a while and we talked about me for a while. Amy asked questions to her heart's content and Kelly took it all in and supported us. Amy shared what she has seen prayer do in her life recently and then they all prayed for me and my family. It was such a loving and wonderful thing.
While I was worried about money and silliness like that, Kelly, Sue and Amy were more concerned with the immediate concerns that I hadn't even thought of. Kelly is coming to get me so I won't ride the bus home and she headed to the store tonight to make sure that I'll have soft foods to eat once I'm able to eat again. Amy is coming over after work tomorrow to keep and eye on me and help out with the kids. Sue gave me her number for any help that I might need on Thursday and she's giving me a ride to house sit on Friday. I didn't ask for help and it hadn't even occurred to me that I might need help, but there it was. I feel so coddled and protected. God really has blessed me with amazing friends.
Something that used to be scary and intimidating to me has turned into such an outpouring of loving support and guidance that I can't really do anything but appreciate the miracles that God has surrounded me with. :)
Friday, July 15, 2011
Day 270: Disappointment
I sent a follow up email today about the job I applied for. I received a response that they were overwhelmed by qualified candidates from around the country but after much prayer and deliberation they decided not to hire someone for the position at this time. They are keeping my resume and application on file for when they re-open the position. I was really excited about the possibility so it seems almost worse than a rejection that they chose not to hire right now. Either way, it seems that it’s not where I need to be right now even though I was really hoping for it. I know God must have another path for me, but I cried a little.
Our Sunshine called us today. She’s in a pageant in Wichita. She’s very excited. She wanted to know if we were going to be there Sunday for the show. Tickets are $15 each. We don’t have a car. We don’t have the gas money to get down there if we had a car to borrow and we don’t have the money to rent a car, even if we didn’t still owe Enterprise almost three hundred fifty dollars for the extension of our rental when we went to pick Ash up for the summer but didn’t get to bring her home. This is the first time I had gotten to even talk to Ash on the phone for over a month and all I can do is disappoint her. When I passed the phone off to Payton, I cried a little more.
We went to McDonald’s for supper. This is our first dinner out together in a couple of weeks now. We had dollar menu burgers, fries and drinks and then we splurged a bit on the ice cream. Dan had a frozen strawberry lemonade, Payton had a small chocolate shake and Livi had a small vanilla shake. I ordered a snack sized Rollo McFlurry, but the ice cream was too soft. I tried not to cry again. Fail.
On our way out the door to get the free Redbox we had a coupon for, people were getting McFlurries. Dan went back in and got me some ice cream while I checked out our movie. I ate my melting ice cream on the way across the parking lot to Target and tried not to drip all over my new shirt. I finished eating my Rollo/vanilla soup as we hunted for fans. We don’t shop at Target much, so of course we checked in all the wrong places first. We finally found a fan. We used our Visa gift card that our good Samaritan gave us to get an oscillating floor fan that’s tall enough to blow the cool air from the wall unit AC over the back of the couch into the rest of the apartment. We sat down to wait on a bench in the shade for 20 minutes until the last bus of the night would show up across the parking lot. That’s when Regan and Dan drove by. It’s there anniversary and they had left kids with grandparents, had a nice dinner out and were heading home. Regan dropped her Dan off at home and then came back to take us home.
My Dan turned on the PlayStation as soon as he walked in the door and Livi helped me put the fan together. Dan and Payton can’t play online because our internet has been so slow all day that I couldn’t even check our electric bill online.
Dan and I are wearing new clothes. My kitchen is finally cooler than the day outside. I have two beautiful, healthy kids here with me, and I finally got to talk to my other beautiful, healthy daughter. I’m going to have a movie night with three of my favorite people. We have a comfy couch to snuggle up on and Dan and I have a bed to sleep in. My days are filled with texts, facebook messages and phone calls from all of the people who love me. It’s not a special occasion. It’s just because they love me. I know I am blessed. It’s so easy to see. But it’s still so easy to see all of the challenges and difficulties in my path.
I don’t know how we’re going to pay all the bills.
I don’t know when we will see Ashlynn again.
I don’t know what kind of job God has in store for me.
I don’t know why today was so hard for me.
I DO KNOW . . . God loves me and has a plan for me.
I DO KNOW . . . I am blessed with amazing friends and family.
I DO KNOW . . . I have been entrusted with an awesome responsibility of wonderful children.
I DO KNOW . . . that I am not alone.
I DO KNOW . . . God will take care of us.
I DO KNOW . . . God’s got each of those tears that I cried today and they will be returned as blessings.
I DO KNOW . . . it is good to be loved.
Time to relax, enjoy an evening with my family, get some sleep, and start fresh tomorrow.
Click here to read my prayer for today.
Click here to read my prayer for today.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Day 269: Rollin'
What's up, homeys?
So, today was a crazy busy, in a fun kind of way, day. I had to cancel my morning walk so I could get some resumes printed for Dan's job fair thing. Then we went to Wal-Mart and bought him one new shirt so he wouldn't look too much like an orphan (or an elf, if you ask Livi) when he went in. Edye was gracious enough to drive us around as we alternated our errands with hers.
We got home around nine and I helped Dan trim up his 'stache, made sandwiches for everyone and packed a lunch for Dan and one for Livi and I. Then Livi and I headed out to KC with Regan, while Dan waited to get on the bus for his interview and stuff. While I was riding to KC, I went over the bus schedule with Dan to make sure he could get to the interview easily.
Once we got to Wonderscopes, we let the kids run around like lunatics and they had a blast. There is a totally cool undersea set up in the gym that's made of Legos and they have an octopus, a squid, a hammer head, a jelly fish, a sea turtle and a dolphin, among other things. Super cool and I got a few pics for my budding marine biologist, Payton. They loved the farm room and the H2Oh! room. The one that stuck in my head today, though, was the ball room. After all the fun, we had lunch and headed for Deanna Rose Farmstead. It's a great place for the kiddos and it wore us all out, especially in the heat.
On the way home, I realized why the ball room stuck with me so much. In the ball room, there were hundreds of golf balls that the kids could roll down ramps. There were loop d'loops and aiming at moving buckets, and a little thing that Livi said made music. The one that stuck with me the most was the progressive hills. You start with the ball around eight feet in the air and let it roll down the hill. It gets enough momentum to get to the top of the next, slightly smaller hill, which, in turn, allows it to crest the next slightly smaller hill. There were only four or five hills, but it seems a metaphor of personal growth.
My current struggle is finance. As we struggle with money, I worry about how we are going to pay the rent and the utilities and are we going to lose the things we have left in storage because we can't pay for it. I began tithing a few months ago when I realized that my safety and security will never be found in a budget, but in God's grace. I felt that I was taking that step in faith that God was asking of me. Then I decided that I had probably better start donating plasma to make sure I could keep up with the weekly withdrawal. So much for trusting God. I struggled with this and I got a nasty cold from my baby brother so I couldn't donate plasma anyway. But I still worried about it. One week, I even ended up paying a bank charge for my tithe because I had miscalculated our account. I finally came to grips with not donating plasma and that God is going to take care of us. Then, I realized tonight that I'm worrying about our stuff in storage and how we're going to keep it. It's not even my stuff. It's all on loan from God and maybe I don't really need it anyway. A beautiful Samaritan left us a box of clothes and kitchen supplies on our porch today. God's taking care of us. Each time I get caught up in worry about the stuff or money that God has entrusted us to take care of, I have to stop myself again. I have to pray for forgiveness for my lack of faith and hand it all over to God again. But each time, that hill is just a tiny bit shorter.
I may never see the end of this line of hills. Every time, I remind myself again that God will take care of our needs and all of our stuff is really His. Every time, I catch myself just a little bit quicker and handing it back over to God is just a smidge easier. I know that as these hills get shorter, it will clear my view of the horizon so that I can see the next set of hills. I'll never run out of hills. But God will keep giving me the momentum I need to crest the next hill if I just trust in His grace, one more time.
So, today was a crazy busy, in a fun kind of way, day. I had to cancel my morning walk so I could get some resumes printed for Dan's job fair thing. Then we went to Wal-Mart and bought him one new shirt so he wouldn't look too much like an orphan (or an elf, if you ask Livi) when he went in. Edye was gracious enough to drive us around as we alternated our errands with hers.
We got home around nine and I helped Dan trim up his 'stache, made sandwiches for everyone and packed a lunch for Dan and one for Livi and I. Then Livi and I headed out to KC with Regan, while Dan waited to get on the bus for his interview and stuff. While I was riding to KC, I went over the bus schedule with Dan to make sure he could get to the interview easily.
Once we got to Wonderscopes, we let the kids run around like lunatics and they had a blast. There is a totally cool undersea set up in the gym that's made of Legos and they have an octopus, a squid, a hammer head, a jelly fish, a sea turtle and a dolphin, among other things. Super cool and I got a few pics for my budding marine biologist, Payton. They loved the farm room and the H2Oh! room. The one that stuck in my head today, though, was the ball room. After all the fun, we had lunch and headed for Deanna Rose Farmstead. It's a great place for the kiddos and it wore us all out, especially in the heat.
On the way home, I realized why the ball room stuck with me so much. In the ball room, there were hundreds of golf balls that the kids could roll down ramps. There were loop d'loops and aiming at moving buckets, and a little thing that Livi said made music. The one that stuck with me the most was the progressive hills. You start with the ball around eight feet in the air and let it roll down the hill. It gets enough momentum to get to the top of the next, slightly smaller hill, which, in turn, allows it to crest the next slightly smaller hill. There were only four or five hills, but it seems a metaphor of personal growth.
My current struggle is finance. As we struggle with money, I worry about how we are going to pay the rent and the utilities and are we going to lose the things we have left in storage because we can't pay for it. I began tithing a few months ago when I realized that my safety and security will never be found in a budget, but in God's grace. I felt that I was taking that step in faith that God was asking of me. Then I decided that I had probably better start donating plasma to make sure I could keep up with the weekly withdrawal. So much for trusting God. I struggled with this and I got a nasty cold from my baby brother so I couldn't donate plasma anyway. But I still worried about it. One week, I even ended up paying a bank charge for my tithe because I had miscalculated our account. I finally came to grips with not donating plasma and that God is going to take care of us. Then, I realized tonight that I'm worrying about our stuff in storage and how we're going to keep it. It's not even my stuff. It's all on loan from God and maybe I don't really need it anyway. A beautiful Samaritan left us a box of clothes and kitchen supplies on our porch today. God's taking care of us. Each time I get caught up in worry about the stuff or money that God has entrusted us to take care of, I have to stop myself again. I have to pray for forgiveness for my lack of faith and hand it all over to God again. But each time, that hill is just a tiny bit shorter.
I may never see the end of this line of hills. Every time, I remind myself again that God will take care of our needs and all of our stuff is really His. Every time, I catch myself just a little bit quicker and handing it back over to God is just a smidge easier. I know that as these hills get shorter, it will clear my view of the horizon so that I can see the next set of hills. I'll never run out of hills. But God will keep giving me the momentum I need to crest the next hill if I just trust in His grace, one more time.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Day 268: To Lose or Not to Lose?
After extensive walking for a month and trying to eat better, I lost ten pounds. After another month of extensive walking, I leveled out. And the third month of walking gained me two pounds. Dan, on the other hand has been walking 4.2 miles home from work 2 - 5 nights a week. He has only been doing this for maybe three weeks and he has lost 11 pounds. If he keeps walking, he will keep losing. That's what he does. Me, I'll keep walking not see any change. I wish I could figure out what it is that I'm supposed to figure out about PCOS that's going to help me make some progress. Even the interns at the Health Care Access Clinic tell me that eating right is important and exercise is vital. From all they could find, I need to keep eating well and keep exercising, but that I probably won't see any results. Not so encouraging. . . I am, however, very happy for Dan! Don't get me wrong, but still . . .
On a positive note, my chiropractor swears that in working with my back and adjusting me, he can tell that I am building muscle. I sure hope he is right. Also, he suggested a steak day. I have to buy a lean steak, like a sirloin, nothing super yummy like ribeye. And I get to eat a good portion in the morning and nibble on it the rest of the day. That's it. He says that a lean protein steak day like that should help jump start my metabolism. I think I'll get a steak on Friday and nibble on Saturday and we'll see how things go from there.
Wish me luck!
On a positive note, my chiropractor swears that in working with my back and adjusting me, he can tell that I am building muscle. I sure hope he is right. Also, he suggested a steak day. I have to buy a lean steak, like a sirloin, nothing super yummy like ribeye. And I get to eat a good portion in the morning and nibble on it the rest of the day. That's it. He says that a lean protein steak day like that should help jump start my metabolism. I think I'll get a steak on Friday and nibble on Saturday and we'll see how things go from there.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Day 260: Zip Lock Ice Cream
I didn't realize I would start such a frenzy, but I've had so many people ask about ziplock ice cream that I figured I better just post the recipe! :)
What you need:
1 cup Milk (I used 3/4 c evaporated milk and 1/4 c water. Don't know if non-dairy will work.)
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon Vanilla (for chocolate, leave off vanilla and add enough chocolate syrup to make it look like your favorite chocolate milk)
1/2 cup salt
Lots of ice
1 Quart size zip lock freezer bag
2 Gallon size zip lock freezer bags
Steps
1. Mix milk, sugar and flavor in a glass until sugar is dissolved.
2. Pour into quart size freezer bag and seal it up.
3. Put quart size bag of goodness in the gallon size bag. Fill gallon size bag half way with ice and salt.
4. Seal the gallon size bag and then put it in the last gallon bag. Seal this bag to prevent leakage.
5. You know the drill . . . It's shake and don't bake! Five to ten minutes is awesome. Keep on shaking until you have the desired consistency. Five minutes should be a soft serve where as ten would be scoopable, if you have a really little scoop.
It does get pretty cold, so little ones might need mittens, or towels or something. It's awesome on a hot day to cool off as you're making it and then you get to eat it after you've already burned off the calories! YAY! :)
What you need:
1 cup Milk (I used 3/4 c evaporated milk and 1/4 c water. Don't know if non-dairy will work.)
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon Vanilla (for chocolate, leave off vanilla and add enough chocolate syrup to make it look like your favorite chocolate milk)
1/2 cup salt
Lots of ice
1 Quart size zip lock freezer bag
2 Gallon size zip lock freezer bags
Steps
1. Mix milk, sugar and flavor in a glass until sugar is dissolved.
2. Pour into quart size freezer bag and seal it up.
3. Put quart size bag of goodness in the gallon size bag. Fill gallon size bag half way with ice and salt.
4. Seal the gallon size bag and then put it in the last gallon bag. Seal this bag to prevent leakage.
5. You know the drill . . . It's shake and don't bake! Five to ten minutes is awesome. Keep on shaking until you have the desired consistency. Five minutes should be a soft serve where as ten would be scoopable, if you have a really little scoop.
It does get pretty cold, so little ones might need mittens, or towels or something. It's awesome on a hot day to cool off as you're making it and then you get to eat it after you've already burned off the calories! YAY! :)
Monday, July 4, 2011
Day 259: Independence Day
Today was a pretty good day. It was a little different because I knew going in that there would be no fireworks for us this year. For maybe the first time ever, we skipped out on the extra expenses of a fun holiday because it was not in our budget. It's rarely been in our budget, but we always find a way to spend anyway. I'm going to call that a step towards our financial independence.
Now, there was a big shindig at the park downtown where we could have gone to watch the city fireworks display. I'm guessing it's about a three mile hike and once we got there, the only thing free would be the fireworks. I would have had to spend the afternoon reinforcing for my kids how broke we are and that we can't buy ice cream or sodas or pay for games or whatever other fun stuff was going on that wasn't free. Instead, I planned fun things for home. We made home made ziplock bag ice cream, which was super yummy! Dan's step-dad, Al, was in town. We had cheese dip and rented "Gnomeo and Juliet." It was a great night. We'll call that one a step towards independence from monetary frustrations and trying to do things "normally."
We enjoyed time together as a family, had fun, ate well and made ice cream. I don't think anyone missed the expensive stuff, although we would have enjoyed it if we had the opportunity. What a great day.
Now, there was a big shindig at the park downtown where we could have gone to watch the city fireworks display. I'm guessing it's about a three mile hike and once we got there, the only thing free would be the fireworks. I would have had to spend the afternoon reinforcing for my kids how broke we are and that we can't buy ice cream or sodas or pay for games or whatever other fun stuff was going on that wasn't free. Instead, I planned fun things for home. We made home made ziplock bag ice cream, which was super yummy! Dan's step-dad, Al, was in town. We had cheese dip and rented "Gnomeo and Juliet." It was a great night. We'll call that one a step towards independence from monetary frustrations and trying to do things "normally."
We enjoyed time together as a family, had fun, ate well and made ice cream. I don't think anyone missed the expensive stuff, although we would have enjoyed it if we had the opportunity. What a great day.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Day 255: Slacker
So, I'm looking at things and realized that almost two months have gone by since my last post. Oh so many things have happened in that time. I guess it's easier to get too busy and frazzled to keep up than I thought. I'm getting back into the swing of things and I will be updating in the next few days. Some of the things that have happened: I applied for a job, I got a bed, I'm leading a growth group, I lost ten pounds, we've had Ash for a week so far instead of our whole summer, Dan's had surgery, etc. I think you can see why I have gotten behind. I've had a lot of thoughts and ideas, I just haven't written them all down, or I have notes but I haven't typed them up.
Bear with me. :)
Bear with me. :)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Day 209: Loss, Grief and Doubt
Last night, Shayna sent a text that she was cramping and spotting. She went to the emergency room but by two this morning, it was official that she has lost the baby.
When I went to church this morning, I was drowning in my sorrow for her and Rob that they had to wait so many years, only to go through this pain all over again. No one else can feel as heartbroken as they do today, but I KNOW what it feels like. After my first miscarriage, I just pushed the pain aside. I told myself that since it wasn't planned and I wasn't even with the guy I had been dating at the time, maybe this was for the best. I've learned that no matter how many times you tell yourself that, it still reeks of bullshit.
Four years later, Aaron and I are married and we wanted to have a baby. When I got pregnant, we were both nervous and excited. When we found out it was triplets, I think we were both flat out scared, but still excited. We looked at everything through different eyes. Where would we put three cribs? Could three car seats fit in the back of a two door? How were we going to be able to afford it?
When I went back for my second sonogram, they told me that the babies were not "viable." There were no hearts beating anymore. They babies had not grown since the last sonogram. For the last two weeks, I had been throwing up all day with dead babies inside me and I didn't even know it. It didn't make any sense. Even as they scheduled me for a D and C to remove the babies, I thought it must be a mistake. How could my body not KNOW? It just didn't make any sense. Surely there was another explanation . . . I can't remember if I called Aaron from the doctor's office or from the house. What I do remember is that on the way home, I kept thinking that I should just pick a building and drive into it as hard as I could. I was so lost and hurt and angry and confused. Suicide sounded so much easier than having my heart ripped out of my chest like this. I could hardly breathe. The one thought that carried me home without doing something incredibly stupid was that Aaron lost three babies too, and it wouldn't be fair to take his wife.
It's ironic enough for a song, that this miscarriage lead to our divorce. Aaron and I avoid dealing with extreme pain in completely different ways. I turned to my family and friends while he turned to other friends. I turned to people who would understand if I broke down while he turned to friends who didn't expect him to be any different than usual. We both coped in our own dysfunctional ways. It was amazing that we spent enough time together that I got pregnant with Payton. Neither of us had even really started to deal with the miscarriage and now I was pregnant again. Our marriage dwindled as my belly stretched. Now the grief of the divorce was added onto the grief of the miscarriage and the stress of being a single mom. I didn't thank God then, but I have many times since, that I have the supportive family that I do who helped me get through that time.
Once I shoved the pain away enough times, I figured it was over. It was better. I had a baby so now I was magically healed. I even thought it was weird that other parents were still sad about miscarriages when they had a healthy baby. Just shows how much you can miss spending ten years to get your four year degree studying arts and psychology. So smart and so dumb, all at the same time.
As I prayed through those hours while Shayna waited for a miracle, all of the old pain came back to me. When the doctor finally said it was over, we both knew that things were really just getting started. My heart was breaking for Shay and Rob. My unresolved grief of my own miscarriages was adding to the weight on my heart.
I went to church on auto-pilot. I didn't really know what else to do. I felt like Bruce Willis at the end of a movie, right before he turns the tide. When he's beat and bleeding and every step is agony and he leaves a ragged trail of bloody footprints for the enemy to follow.
I don't know who decides what songs to sing on Sunday. I don't know if it's Palmer, or a joint decision of the band, or if Matt asks for certain songs that will work with his sermon for the day. I just know that someone picked the right song that day. When they played Sweetly Broken, I cried. It
wasn't a little sobbing or a few tears. I stood there in that auditorium with rivers of saline rushing down my cheeks and soaking into my shirt. I was completely broken in that moment. I surrendered my pain to God. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't hold on any longer. I wasn't strong enough. I let go of my babies and Shayna's babies and all of my hurt and let him take it away. I cried for me, and Shay, and Rob, and those babies we never got a chance to know, or hold.
Click for my Sunday Morning Prayer
Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jeremy_riddle/sweetly_broken.html ]
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I'm reconciled
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Four years later, Aaron and I are married and we wanted to have a baby. When I got pregnant, we were both nervous and excited. When we found out it was triplets, I think we were both flat out scared, but still excited. We looked at everything through different eyes. Where would we put three cribs? Could three car seats fit in the back of a two door? How were we going to be able to afford it?
When I went back for my second sonogram, they told me that the babies were not "viable." There were no hearts beating anymore. They babies had not grown since the last sonogram. For the last two weeks, I had been throwing up all day with dead babies inside me and I didn't even know it. It didn't make any sense. Even as they scheduled me for a D and C to remove the babies, I thought it must be a mistake. How could my body not KNOW? It just didn't make any sense. Surely there was another explanation . . . I can't remember if I called Aaron from the doctor's office or from the house. What I do remember is that on the way home, I kept thinking that I should just pick a building and drive into it as hard as I could. I was so lost and hurt and angry and confused. Suicide sounded so much easier than having my heart ripped out of my chest like this. I could hardly breathe. The one thought that carried me home without doing something incredibly stupid was that Aaron lost three babies too, and it wouldn't be fair to take his wife.
It's ironic enough for a song, that this miscarriage lead to our divorce. Aaron and I avoid dealing with extreme pain in completely different ways. I turned to my family and friends while he turned to other friends. I turned to people who would understand if I broke down while he turned to friends who didn't expect him to be any different than usual. We both coped in our own dysfunctional ways. It was amazing that we spent enough time together that I got pregnant with Payton. Neither of us had even really started to deal with the miscarriage and now I was pregnant again. Our marriage dwindled as my belly stretched. Now the grief of the divorce was added onto the grief of the miscarriage and the stress of being a single mom. I didn't thank God then, but I have many times since, that I have the supportive family that I do who helped me get through that time.
Once I shoved the pain away enough times, I figured it was over. It was better. I had a baby so now I was magically healed. I even thought it was weird that other parents were still sad about miscarriages when they had a healthy baby. Just shows how much you can miss spending ten years to get your four year degree studying arts and psychology. So smart and so dumb, all at the same time.
As I prayed through those hours while Shayna waited for a miracle, all of the old pain came back to me. When the doctor finally said it was over, we both knew that things were really just getting started. My heart was breaking for Shay and Rob. My unresolved grief of my own miscarriages was adding to the weight on my heart.
I went to church on auto-pilot. I didn't really know what else to do. I felt like Bruce Willis at the end of a movie, right before he turns the tide. When he's beat and bleeding and every step is agony and he leaves a ragged trail of bloody footprints for the enemy to follow.
I don't know who decides what songs to sing on Sunday. I don't know if it's Palmer, or a joint decision of the band, or if Matt asks for certain songs that will work with his sermon for the day. I just know that someone picked the right song that day. When they played Sweetly Broken, I cried. It
wasn't a little sobbing or a few tears. I stood there in that auditorium with rivers of saline rushing down my cheeks and soaking into my shirt. I was completely broken in that moment. I surrendered my pain to God. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't hold on any longer. I wasn't strong enough. I let go of my babies and Shayna's babies and all of my hurt and let him take it away. I cried for me, and Shay, and Rob, and those babies we never got a chance to know, or hold.
Click for my Sunday Morning Prayer
Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jeremy_riddle/sweetly_broken.html ]
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I'm reconciled
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Friday, May 6, 2011
Day 200: *sigh*
Shay-Shay's gonna have a baby! Go God! :)
EastLake worship night was awesome! Go God! :)
The guy I looked up to like a big brother growing up died today. His birthday is coming up on Monday. Ouch. I feel like I just got whiplash.
Guess I'll take two excedrin and call somebody in the morning. . .
Oh, I almost forgot. Payton decided that in honor of day 200 of my blog, I am to announce that I am writing a book. I have several ideas that I have been thinking on, but I think I'm going to start with a book about how my kids have helped me to build my faith. Wish me luck!
EastLake worship night was awesome! Go God! :)
The guy I looked up to like a big brother growing up died today. His birthday is coming up on Monday. Ouch. I feel like I just got whiplash.
Guess I'll take two excedrin and call somebody in the morning. . .
Oh, I almost forgot. Payton decided that in honor of day 200 of my blog, I am to announce that I am writing a book. I have several ideas that I have been thinking on, but I think I'm going to start with a book about how my kids have helped me to build my faith. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Day 190: Persecution
"This is not Preachbook, so please save the prayers, blessings, and sermons for sunday morning church. Respect my beliefs as I respect yours. Thank you." This is a partial post by a facebook friend on his wall the other day.
I replied that any part of my life will be a part of my posts and that he is free to hide me if this bothers him.
He replied, "Ericka, I wouldn't presume to tell you, or even ask you to refrain from your beliefs, I am simply saying that church is a more appropriate place, because your congregation shares your beliefs. By posting your beliefs on Facebook, you are essentially forcing all those on your friends list to either listen to you preach, or hide your posts completely."
His response went on a bit and he added another additional comment to top things off. At this point, I simply exited the conversation. I could not see that my continued participation would make a difference and I didn't want to end up in some sort of silly comment war.
I had basically forgotten this conversation when another friend posted about his day. He had been talking to a co-worker about their weekends. As it was Easter and they are both Christians, they discussed church as part of their conversation. He was later informed that he was not allowed to discuss his religious beliefs at work. His post started a huge conversation about religious freedom and freedom of speech as well as "force feeding" religion to people who don't want it.
What a sad, sad state of affairs. So many secular folks have been misled by zealots and fanatics. When the most obvious Christians are the ones leading the Crusades and the witch hunts, it's no wonder that many people are leery. They expect to be judged and condemned for being who they are or believing what they believe, or even not believing in what they don't believe. They think that hatred and elitism equals faith.
True faith cannot be shown solely by our deeds or our words. True faith shines through us. A person with faith can always find the bright side. He's the person you can always count on for a smile on a rough day. She's the one ready with the hug whenever you need it. He's the eternal optimist, knowing that hope springs eternal. I talk about God as I would talk about my family. When I talk about my church, I am talking about my friends. My faith is not what I do or what I say. It's who I am.
"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:10
Prayer for the persecuted
I replied that any part of my life will be a part of my posts and that he is free to hide me if this bothers him.
He replied, "Ericka, I wouldn't presume to tell you, or even ask you to refrain from your beliefs, I am simply saying that church is a more appropriate place, because your congregation shares your beliefs. By posting your beliefs on Facebook, you are essentially forcing all those on your friends list to either listen to you preach, or hide your posts completely."
His response went on a bit and he added another additional comment to top things off. At this point, I simply exited the conversation. I could not see that my continued participation would make a difference and I didn't want to end up in some sort of silly comment war.
I had basically forgotten this conversation when another friend posted about his day. He had been talking to a co-worker about their weekends. As it was Easter and they are both Christians, they discussed church as part of their conversation. He was later informed that he was not allowed to discuss his religious beliefs at work. His post started a huge conversation about religious freedom and freedom of speech as well as "force feeding" religion to people who don't want it.
What a sad, sad state of affairs. So many secular folks have been misled by zealots and fanatics. When the most obvious Christians are the ones leading the Crusades and the witch hunts, it's no wonder that many people are leery. They expect to be judged and condemned for being who they are or believing what they believe, or even not believing in what they don't believe. They think that hatred and elitism equals faith.
True faith cannot be shown solely by our deeds or our words. True faith shines through us. A person with faith can always find the bright side. He's the person you can always count on for a smile on a rough day. She's the one ready with the hug whenever you need it. He's the eternal optimist, knowing that hope springs eternal. I talk about God as I would talk about my family. When I talk about my church, I am talking about my friends. My faith is not what I do or what I say. It's who I am.
"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:10
Prayer for the persecuted
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