Beginnings

Last Sunday, the new show, Fear the Walking Dead, started. Since we don't do cable, Dan and Livi went to visit some friends to watch the show. I stayed home. My anxiety started kicking in when we were watching The Walking Dead before, so I have to abstain. I was pretty excited though, about a nice quiet Sunday evening to myself. I read some, I painted some, I did some word puzzles, etc. This weekend, I'm feeling a bit more reflective so I decided it was time to write something.

As many of you know, Dan and I quit our jobs at the school bus lot and start new jobs tomorrow at an in-bound call center here in town. We've both worked there before, and enjoyed it, so we are eager for the change and especially the financial boost this will give our family. We are also starting up our new weekly schedule back to the gym three times a week and Dan's World of Warcraft nights. Livi has homework in third grade which adds a new dimension to the fun of cramming things into our evening. We went from t-shirt and jeans jobs to a business casual atmosphere. Dan only owns three polo shirts and I have scrounged enough things together to have five days of outfits. And we're switching from getting our last part time, weekly pay check this Friday to waiting almost a month for the full time checks to kick in. Just getting back to work from summer break, September rent won't be paid until our first full check, which will hopefully be before October rent is due. There are some changes and some stressors in my near future.

All of these changes and stressors are daunting. I don't want this good change to trigger a relapse in my depression. It scares me. The fear of the cycle of depression, that I know will be back around at some point, almost scares me into paralysis. I certainly don't need to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As I was pondering this, and checking facebook, I ran across a quote a friend shared.

"The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality." -Andrew Solomon

This was followed up by a short essay by Elizabeth Gilbert who likened depression to a stagnate state where as vitality is movement and change. That's exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I may be scared stiff of my depression. If you've even been in the blackness, you know what I mean that the fear of darkness taints your light. If I've just confused you, I pray you never need to understand. But what I've taken from this is to just do something. The best thing I can do to keep fighting my depression and not let fear sabotage these new beginnings, is to just keep going. Keep moving. Walk in faith that all this is for our good and taking us to a better place. I can't make the fear go away, but I can keep moving in spite of it. Today I can. There may come a day when I can't, but today I can. Today I will. Today I am blessed and I will milk my blessings for all they are worth!

Chicken

Yep, I'm a big chicken. I haven't posted anything lately because I didn't want to share with everyone that we have done terribly. July was a bad month for both our dieting and going to the gym.  We fell off the wagon pretty hard and now Dan and I both have to quit drinking soda again.  *sigh* I finally decided to share, because everybody else struggles, too.  Right?

But, on to better things.  We started back at the gym last week and we're eating at home, if not exactly what is best for us. We will be stricter on the diet once we are working again and there is some income coming in.

I have been in a remission, of sorts, from my depression this past week.  I don't know what happened, but the anxiety has quieted and I'm happy. I'll take it, but it worries me. I'm trying to enjoy the good and take advantage of the benefits of extra energy and motivation without worrying too much about how bad it will suck when this cycle is over again.

I have been wanting to paint. I haven't painted in years and for a creative person, that's just dumb. I haven't been writing, either. I even bought paint and I have a couple tiny canvas boards I can work on but I haven't started yet. This is proof that the anxiety is still present and I'm still being a chicken. I'm afraid to start a project for fear of messing it up. How can I mess up what I haven't started, you ask? Good question. I don't know but that's where my head is. I have lots of excuses to not paint, but no real reason. I'll let you know when I get something started. I'm hoping for tomorrow. Tonight we have the gym and I'm thinking up ideas but tomorrow is open.

I did, however, design myself some new stationery since my sis started a snail mail campaign. I've been writing her and I'm going to write my big sister too. Not sure if my other sis or the sis-in-law want in or not, but if anyone reading this wants in on it, let me know and I'll put you on my list. It felt nice to design something even if it wasn't a major project. Just one of those things I need to be doing to take care of me that I have not been doing.

Also on the topic of taking care of me, I'm going to a Red Tent meeting this week. Not sure what that will be like, but it sounds refreshing and empowering. I'll share more next week once I know how it goes. The same time my remission hit, several people contacted me for social stuff and it's been so good for me to be around friends again. I get to be a hermit when things are hard so I don't have to drag other people down. I'm doing better now. Here's praying that it lasts! And here's to establishing some good patterns in my up mood that will help carry me through when the rough is back.  :)

Bad blogger...

Yep, I'm a bad blogger. Over a month since my last post. I'll trust no one is desperately awaiting my newest post but I apologize for the delay as you're obviously interested in our progress.

So, on to news. four weeks ago, Dan and I started our new diet on a Monday and then weighed in on Thursday of the same week. We probably should have weighed before the diet started to see how weight loss was affected, but we didn't. The good news is, when we weighed in after two months at the gym and four days on the diet, I weighed 297.8 pounds, a loss of just over 11 pounds.  Dan lost 12 pounds. We haven't weighed in for a month again now, but we plan to weigh in this evening.

We've actually done really well on our new eating plan. We're not hungry and we're getting more protein and veg with fewer and better carbs. It's been a lot easier than I thought it would be. We eat five times a day and usually grab at least one protein shake a day for an easy meal. They are much better than anticipated. I started out using L-glutamine to help with cravings and I don't need it anymore. My moods seem to be more stable based on a better diet also. We did crash and burn a little this weekend, but we're back in the groove today.

Our biggest concern is the overall cost of eating. Lean protein is not cheap. We have been watching for sales and such, but this is another area where the protein shakes have helped. We'll need to get another tub of protein soon, but it is cheaper than meat per serving and even eggs, lately. Our little meals tend to be predictable; scrambled eggs, a shake or a couple hard boiled eggs. Our bigger meals run the gamut from chili, taco salad, salad with chicken breast, etc. Dan's done a really great job of making some pretty yummy stuff out of a stricter list of ingredients.

That's all for now.  Hope to have new weigh ins soon!

Little bitty baby steps

Whew! Today's workout totally kicked my butt and Dan's, too! But we both made it through and Melissa, our trainer, says we've been building up endurance. I don't really see that, but I trust her. We started out with 300 meter rows as fast as you can, then you rest while your partner does one, and you trade off three times. I'm not that great at rowing so I was immediately anxious about putting my partner behind everyone else. I kept moving and Dan says I tore it up. I was still the last one done, but I was on my last set when everyone else finished and Dan, Melissa and my partner were all cheering me on, so that was kind of awesome. :) It didn't feel awesome then, cuz my throat was dry and my chest hurt and I was exhausted already, but looking back, it kinda was. :) The other good thing about today's workout was the walking part. She has the rest of the group run a ways, but Dan and I had four laps to walk on the street out front. She doesn't want us impacting our joints with running yet. I hate walking though. Walking has never helped me feel fitter, stronger, leaner, or healthier. Walking makes my back hurt badly, even when I squeeze my glutes like Melissa tells me to. Today, my back didn't even start to hurt until the fourth lap, which is definite progress! Next week is our benchmark week and our weigh in's, so I'll have some more tangible measures to look at, but I know I'm getting stronger and that can only be a good thing.

On the diet side of things, Dan and I are gonna kick it hard core starting next week. First, we're spending a weekend at Momma and Daddy's eating yummy home-cooked foods and then we're going to try to get a new food plan put into action during our three week unpaid vacation before summer school. Week one is the carb depletion week. I know we can do this stuff, it's just planning ahead enough to make it work that's the trouble. With three weeks, we should be able to figure out what we need to do ahead and get systems streamlined enough that once we are back to work, we can keep it going. Last time we tried this, I was pretty worried about cravings, but I think I've got a handle on those now. On the educational front, a good friend recommended reading The Diet Cure by Julia Ross. It basically talks about all the deficiencies in our diets, even if we're eating that right foods. She uses amino acids, the LEGOs of proteins, to help correct imbalances in the body. Of the eight imbalances that she describes, I suffer from at least five. Two of the biggest issues for me are in chapter ONE Depleted Brain Chemistry: The Real Story Behind "Emotional" Eating and chapter THREE Unstable Blood Sugar; Carb Addiction, Hypoglycemia, Diabetes, and Adrenal Exhaustion. It's not that it was new to me that I have these issues, it was just new to me that there may actually be a road to health that's a little less rocky than the one I've been traveling on. One amino that helps curb the carb cravings, due to either emotional eating or unstable sugars is L-glutamine. I have been taking 850 mg of L-glutamine four times a day for almost a week now. I've noticed two things about the effects so far. The first realization was that when I had a chance, soda doesn't sound as good and after a hard day, we still had ice cream in the freezer. Amazed? Me, too. The second thing I realized is that when Dan says, "Hey, let's hit McD's for a soda," I still say, "Sure, why not?" because I can't say no when someone offers me food or beverages. These things are reasons I need therapy and I'm pretty sure there is not amino to fix that, however, as Dan and I are on the same page, some of this should get easier when we start making food changes.

I'm very happy with the L-glutamine so far and plan to read The Mood Cure, also by Julia Ross, in the next few days to see what I can do to help with my depression. I'm hooked on the idea of solutions to get me through rough patches without more drugs, but don't take my word for it. Read the book for yourself and talk to your doctor for verification. I'm just guessing and stumbling around to find what works for me, get the facts from a more reliable source before you try new stuff like this. Buy the books or check them out at the library if you think they might help. They even address PCOS in The Diet Cure, which I have to admit I was very surprised to see. Nobody seems to know what it is, even when you talk to docs sometimes, so any new information is a well-appreciated tool.

If you do choose to check out Julia's books, start a new eating or exercising plan, let me know! I'd love to support your journey.

Kicked off or kicked in the teeth?

Last Monday, we were pumped to kick off our 42 day eating challenge to change up our eating habits and begin the adjustment into a food-as-fuel mindset. It was a rough day, but not one that surprised me over all.

We had breakfast at 6:30am and headed to work. We were done with our first shift at work around nine. We called the doctor's office to make an appointment for an infection Dan had on his thumb. We got an appointment for 9:40 so we headed their straight from work. By the time we got home, we had already screwed up our "eat every three to four hours rule." We had thought that it was good to aim for four, but have since decided that we'll need to aim at eating every three hours and only go four if things go awry. So, we ate our healthy, low-carb lunch at eleven. We didn't do the gym that day because we planned on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning last week. We weren't hungry again when it was time to go back to work at two, so we planned on eating as soon as we got home from work.

Once we were off work, we picked up Livi from Boys and Girls Club and headed home. I cooked up hamburger to make hamburger helper for the kids when I realized we didn't have milk. Payton didn't want hamburger helper so I let him drive to the store so we could get milk and then he got Taco Bell for himself. When we were on the way home, the car crunched and jerked and ground to a halt. Payton handled it very well. Our tire was completely flat. I didn't know what had caused it to pop, but I was a little worried we had more going on than just a flat tire. We had a good tire in the trunk just no jack. I called the roadside assistance number and they sent a guy out. While we were waiting the 45 minutes for the guy to show up, I called and let Dan know what was up. Payton needed to use the restroom, so he headed home and Dan sent Livi to get the milk because we were less than two blocks from home. After Dan finished making the hamburger helper and feeding Livi, he came out to see me. The tire guy came out and couldn't get his jack under our car because it was too low to the ground. He had Dan help him try to lift the front end a little but he couldn't do enough to get the jack in right. The guy said to have roadside assistance send out a tow truck because they would have the dolly to get under the car and get it up enough to get the tire changed. I called the roadside assistance as the tire guy drove off into the cloudy, drizzly evening. Once I explained to the roadside assistance lady what the tire guy told us, she told me couldn't call a tow truck to change a tire. We could call for a tire change, or a tow truck, but not both. By now it was after seven thirty and I'd been in the drizzle and not eaten dinner. I had handled everything pretty well until this, but when she repeatedly told me she couldn't do what we needed I had all I could take. Once I start to cry, things are not going to get better so I just handed the phone to Dan. He finally got her to call a tow company and they said they would change a tire. So, after fifteen minutes on the phone, we finally had another 55 minutes to wait for the tow truck.

At this point, Dan and I gave up on low carb day and he sent me home to eat some of the hamburger helper and get Livi started getting reawdy for bed. Once the tow guy showed up, he let us know that the lower ball joint went out and something sliced the tire when it happened. He was very nice and had a nice lady with him and they were sympathetic to our cause. We had him tow the car to Slimmer's, our mechanic. Slimmer's had already given us an estimate for about eight hundred dollars worth of suspension work, so we had a clue of what we were in for. Dan and I walked home in the rain.

We got rides for the week to get to work but we had to get up half an hour earlier and stay at work all day, so we gave up on our carb depletion week. Tuesday, I called Slimmer's and he said he'd get us an estimate. He called back right before our second shift and said it could be done late Wednesday, but I had to check to figure out how we could pay for it so I told him I'd call him back. When I called him back five, he said it should be done for us on Thursday. As it happened, it's supposed to be done late Monday morning. This is taking the last of the money we had set aside for the car, the rest of our emergency fund, and a chunk of the money we have set aside for next month's budget. This does not bode well for our summer of five weeks of work.

Edye tells me if we knew how the money was coming in, it isn't faith. I said, if I have to count on God to bail us out, why am I trying so hard to budget and get ahead? Are planning and having faith incompatible??

It just seems like every time Dan and I try to do something to improve our circumstances, something else comes in to kick us in the teeth. Add to all this that school's out in two weeks and Payton is leaving and everything just kept building until I couldn't handle it anymore and I completely melted down on Saturday. I'm so blessed to have a husband who supports me as much as he can and friends who understand and offer sympathy and help.

Today was better. It's always hard to bounce back from a day like yesterday, especially when the circumstances involved haven't changed. But, I spent the day with three people who I love and who love me. Payton ordered chinese for lunch for Mother's day, Livi made me some rainbow loom jewelry and wrote me a song and Dan's momma bought Applebee's for supper since my birthday is tomorrow. I'm not doing so great at the whole one day at a time thing. Thinking that far ahead right now is too overwhelming. But today has some really nice moments.

For now, I'll try to focus on Matthew 6:3.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Amen.

A new approach to food

Over the past two weeks, Dan has been to the gym three times each week, and I made it three times and then just once. We took Saturday off this week, just to sleep in and relax.  It turned out not to be such a relaxing day, after all.

Thursday was our eleventh wedding anniversary. Since we weren't able to do anything to celebrate then and we unexpectedly ended up kid-free on Friday, I decided we should enjoy a date night. Dan agreed so we saw Furious 7 and enjoyed dinner at LongHorns--thanks to Dan's momma. We were still in bed by midnight, which is pretty late for us early risers, but I forgot my meds before bed. This left me in a bit of a funk on Saturday, and Dan has a sore on his hand that was paining him and left him in a funk on Saturday, also. Not so much fun chillin' on a Saturday when you're in pain or just emotionally empty. 

So, today, we had to make up for things we didn't get around to yesterday. We've spent a month at the UgL now, and I've already noticed that I'm stronger. When I got to drive for Livi's field trip just over a week ago, I was on my feet any time I wasn't in the bus and my back wasn't killing me all day. Yay! It was pretty sore last Saturday, but I'll take any progress I can get. Dan decided that we needed to make some serious changes to our eating habits if we're really going to lose weight and be healthy, and I couldn't disagree. The UgL did a 42 day weight loss challenge for folks to start off the New Year with and one of the ladies at the Lab told Dan about it. I haven't gotten into how strict the rest is, but week one is intense. It's your basic concept of cutting the carb cravings and rebooting your metabolism, which is far harder than it sounds. We'll do six days of 20 grams or fewer carbs, switch to eating smaller meals five times a day, and and then we get a cheat/re-fuel meal on Sunday evening. They recommend that we journal daily and track our emotional and physical feel, so I'll try. If you're going to be reading all of these, it could be ugly by Wednesday or Thursday. Caffeine is not disallowed in moderation, however, I generally have my caffeine with a nice serving of sugar, whether in coffee, tea or soda. Detox is not going to be fun, but hopefully, by Friday, I'll be feeling the perks of the purge. Wish us lots of luck! :)  Dan thinks that the caffeine won't be a problem for him because he doesn't think it's really an issue for him, but we shall see...

Oh, yeah, the things we got to do today since we didn't do then yesterday... We sat down and about halfway mapped out our meals for the first three days. The challenge recommends prepping on Sunday and Wednesday. I cooked up four pounds of chicken and cut it into bite sized pieces and weighed it out into Dan sized and Eeka sized portions. It took us forever figuring out what to buy and how much, so that's all we got done tonight. Tomorrow, we'll have scrambled eggs (one whole egg each plus extra whites) with green peppers and mushrooms for breakfast before work. I finally bought a pill fob for my key chain so I can take my metformin with breakfast like I'm supposed to, even if we have to take the eggs to go and eat them in the break room at work. After we get home from our first shift, we'll eat again. Probably a nice salad with chicken since it's ready already and then we'll get Dan to the doc to check out his hand, I'll hit the gym and we'll try to prep the rest of the veggies. We've got a busy day planned but a lot will depend on when we can get Dan to the doc. I'm thinking we might just pack a couple containers of broccoli and chicken that we can zap in the microwave at work and eat before we head out. Dan and I will discuss that in the morning and see if we have time for it. I feel like we didn't do much prep at all, but it already feels better knowing we have something halfway ready to eat. Maybe I could get used to this.

The hardest parts of this challenge are not about the eating. They are mental and financial.  Dan and I spent over forty dollars for three days of food for just us. I'm hoping the stuff after the first week will be much cheaper or we won't make it through the whole challenge simply because we won't have the budget to allow the healthier foods. I hate that this is a drawback to being healthier, but it is. I'm praying for ways to get through this from the financial standpoint to see if we can maintain healthier habits. Dan's wanting to get another job that will get us some room for financial growth, but I don't want to have to go back to cheap carbs until then. Even budget cooks I find online are budgeting on a whole lot more than we have to spend. My friend, Edye, always says how our Daddy in heaven has deep pockets. Here's hoping He wants to pick up the grocery tab this month.

The mental part of this challenge is two fold for me. First of all, it's really easy for me to see all the ways that this won't work, i.e. finances. Pastor Matt said this morning that we need to make a decision and take a step forward even if we're only 51% sure, just to get started. He said we often don't make decisions because we only see one way to go and a hundred reasons it won't work so we quit before we even start. He said we need to have a hundred ideas of where to go and just pick the best one. I've got the whole system backwards, so I'm trying to move forward positively. Today's message was justa knockin' on the door of my brain and I couldn't ignore it, so I'm trying. 

Secondly, we have to change the way we look at food. That's what this challenge is really about. Changing from living to eat to eating to live. Seeing food as fuel, not comfort. Man, that's hard for me to even type out. I just looks so wrong to me. I've known food as love my whole life. Part of me doesn't want to change that. I know I need to change that. I know if I can't change that, I'll never truly be able to lose this weight and be healthy. I KNOW that. I don't doubt it. I can't deny it. It's in caps so it's gotta be true. ;)  But I don't like it. We're going all in on this. I'm gonna give it my best shot because I don't want to be diabetic when I'm 45. I don't want a heart attack before I'm 50. I want to see all of my kids graduate and find their special someone and make me a grandma (years from now, not too soon on that!) I want to be there for them like Momma and Daddy have always been there for me. So I KNOW I have to change the way I look at food. I HAVE to get better or I won't be here for my kiddos. But I still don't like it. And it's a big change and it scares me. Diabetes and heart attacks scare me too, but I think change scares me more. 

Procrastination...

Well, my original plan was to be blogging daily, but Dan said, don't put so much pressure on yourself, just blog weekly.  I thought, good plan. However, as you may have noticed, it's been over two weeks since my last post. Most of the problem is that I need to clean my desk, and sitting down to write is a not-so-subtle reminder, so I avoid writing. Unfortunately, now it is almost three in the morning, and I can't sleep, so here I am at my messy desk in the middle of the night trying to work out some kinks. I'll start with the health adventure and then on to the kinky stuff.

Of the last two weeks, the first was pretty much as I expected. We hit the gym three times, working around work and kids and it was a struggle but we did it. Food was a challenge as it will continue to be for a while, I'm sure. Maybe forever. Week two was a different story.

Week two started out with car trouble that made our Monday gym time impossible. We couldn't go on Tuesday because we were getting the car taken care of. Wednesday was a last minute extra shift at work that Dan had to do and so I took one too. Thursday and Friday I had trips that lasted all day. Dan made it to the gym on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, poor guy. I'm proud of him, but he is one sore puppy. I made it on Saturday.

This is not acceptable to me so I looked back to see what I could have changed and I realized it's my own perspective. On Wednesday, I turned down the extra shift they asked me to do because Payton had an orthodontist appointment and I was going to the gym, but then Dan didn't have a choice on his shift change because Wednesdays are weird work days for him anyway. So, once he said he'd be back at 12:50 (gym being from 12-12;45) I felt that I might as well be back because I had to bring Dan back and I was afraid that the gym wasn't a legit excuse to turn down the shift. They basically count on me doing this particular extra shift when it's needed because it fits in with my regular route and I usually say yes when they ask me to help out. So, I felt pressured. That's not to say they actually pressured me, but I felt pressured. I talked to Dan about this and I realized that going to the gym is vitally important. I have to take care of my health and this is far more important than an extra shift. It's not my fault if they plan on me saying yes and I choose to say no. That's my choice, not theirs. And if I don't take care of myself first, I'll end up with heart problems or diabetes and these could both cost me my CDL and my job. Me first; this is a hard concept for me to swallow. But I'm working on it.


Now, here comes the part where I work out the kinks that are keeping me awake. I can't promise great sense here, so proceed at your own risk.

Payton's move to his dad's is just over a month away. That in itself makes me want to cry. I'm so not ready for this. I know there were only two more years he'd be with me anyway, but this hurts in ways that are hard to explain. I've had the honor of being able to help raise five kids. My step-son lived with us for a year and a half when his mom took him back and we couldn't stop her. My neice lived with us from 13 to 17 and then ran away to get away from us. We let Ash go live with her other mom once her other mom finally wanted to be a mom and Ash felt torn. Now Payton's leaving. He's leaving to be with his best friend/cousin, Brian. He's leaving to work on a better relationship with his dad. He's leaving to try to have a better chance of being noticed by college football scouts. Mostly, he's leaving to spend a year of high school with Brian. I understand this. I know this was a hard choice for him. I know he's trying to be an adult and make adult decisions. I know he's still struggling with leaving. But he's leaving. He's not leaving me, he's going to be there, not leaving here. But he's leaving me. On one hand, four out of five kids I helped raise left me. A seriously heartbreaking track record. On the other hand, my baby boy is leaving. When Aaron and I split up and my depression was making life harder, Payton was my reason to get up in the morning. I'm his stability. I'm the one person who didn't leave him like the siblings. But he's a big chunk of my stability, too. I know people survive this stuff all the time. Livi's going to need me to be strong, but I'm not sure I can...

Getting started

We started our adventure this week and it's been ok, but not great yet. I had breakfast five days and took my meds four of those days. Considering that I haven't been taking my morning meds at all, I feel like this is progress. Now that we have our food stamps for the month, we can plan ahead for breakfasts again and this should be able to become a more steady habit. Cross your fingers!  ;)

We were going to start at the gym on Monday, but Dan couldn't breathe. He was using his rescue inhaler repeatedly and we finally did two breathing treatments with his nebulizer before bed and that seemed to help. Weather changes mess him up. We considered going to the UgL on Tuesday, but Payton had an appointment so we started on Wednesday. I'm still a little sore today.

The last time we went to the UgL, last May, neither Dan nor I was able to complete the workout. We had to give up and go home. We both felt a lot of anxiety about going back and whether or not we could do this. Melissa, our trainer, modified the workout and spent a lot of one on one time with each of us. We made it through, and we are both still a little sore today. But we know we can do this. You'd think that if you've already done it, doing it again shouldn't be such a scary thing, but somehow it really was. But we broke through the wall.

Today, I have a trip that starts at 1:30 and we're going to work out at noon, so I'm gonna sponge bath and change clothes and hope that's good enough. If not, I'll rethink this next time but we don't want to start letting inconveniences stop us already. They really worked to help us be able to do this financially, so I feel like not giving our best would be letting Melissa and Fernando and Erin down as much as ourselves and our kids. I'm trying to be very honest here in the blog too, even when we screw up or backslide, so I hope to be accountable to you all, too. 

Accountability is really hard for me. My depression grabs each minor setback and starts diving into that dark pit that won't let me out. Then I quit talking to anyone I should be accountable to because I don't want to be letting so many people down. I know that most of the people who read this love me. Why else would you be reading this? And you want me to succeed, so instead of reprimands, I am much more likely to get encouragement through my honesty, which is good, because I'm really good at reprimanding myself.

Our foods haven't been great this week but I just updated the budget for April and we don't have the money do to a lot of stupid stuff, like dollar menu or gas station hot dogs. Since we budget our money far better than our time or health, I'm trying to use that as a tool to help us in other areas. No fast food is a good tool. Also, our driver window on the car doesn't roll down, so a drive-thru is a big pain in the tookus. Dan's checking out cook books for cheap, healthy, low carb recipes and we checked all the grocery ads for good deals. We have noticed that there are not a lot of good sales on the things we are looking to buy now that we want to eat healthier. If anyone has some good recipes, especially crock pot stuff, let us know.  :) I keep thinking of freezer meals and stocking up but we just have our little fridge freezer and the idea of prepping twenty meals at a time kinda freaks me out. I don't even think we have room in our kitchen for a project like that.  But I was thinking that maybe if I could prep three or four meals worth of one thing, that would be a start and I could maybe build from there? I'm not sure yet. Guess we'll see how things go.

A Healthy Budget

So, we weighed in at the UgL last night.  I decided that since the other scales weren't agreeing, I'll track my progress with the scale at the gym.  According to that scale, I'm 309.6. Still not a pretty number, but it's a starting place.  My body fat percentage is 46.something. I don't remember what.  Fernando told us that once our accounts are set up, we'll be able to see all of our stats that are recorded and that we'll be doing check ins every six to eight weeks. I think that's all good for me, because it gives me a time frame to look forward to rather than looking for infinitesimal changes every week. Also, if my weight is not changing much but my body fat is changing, or my measurements, I'll be able to see that there is some kind of progress.

I was thinking about the budget thing a lot yesterday, how you have to do your current budget and see how bad you are doing before you can build to make progress. This was my first health budget. It's hard to do because it's painful to look at where you really are, but you will never know if you're making progress if you don't truly know where you started. This got me to thinking about payday loans. Dan and I used to be stuck in a payday loan loop until someone who loved us helped us get out of them, under the conditions that we would never do that again. It was kind of hard to not get a payday loan when things were tight at first. If you've never done that, thank God! If you have done this, you understand how hard it is to change your way of thinking and to get the thought of getting a payday loan out of your head. It occurred to me that Dan and I are living a payday loan lifestyle. We have been looking for short term fixes for long term problems. We are hungry, tired and in a hurry, so we grab a burger off the dollar menu. This does not help our finances, our health, or any other aspect in our lives. It's just a payday loan for our health. In the long run, it's hurting us far more than it's helping us. It's taking money we could be spending on real food, adding unhealthy crap and weight to our bodies and the long term costs of the health problems on the horizon are going to outweigh the cheap up front cost to our finances and our time. As with the payday loans, the interest is killing us.

Just like with the finances, we have to take baby steps to make real changes. I know this is not going to happen all at once. We are going to do well and then bobble and have to get back on track. But we've come miles with our finances and we can do the same with our health. We just have to remember that a stumble is natural, expected and ok. Dan has been working on finding us better meals with lower carbs, and I am now eating breakfast each day so I can take my metformin. Two years ago, my A1C was at 5.9. Last summer it was at 6.0. They said a point a year is ok. I'm thinking a point a year leads me to 6.5 and diabetic by the time I'm 45 and that is NOT ok with me.

We're measured up and know where we stand. We are making small changes that we can live with and maintain. We may be rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin', but we're going to make real change.

Here we go again...

In the past week, I have been weighed twice. My doctor's scale read 300 while the health department read 311. I'm not sure whether to be annoyed at the difference or just horrified at such a nice, round number. On this note, among other reasons, Dan and I are refocusing on our personal well-being.

We signed up for the Underground Lab again for a full year, and we paid in advance. We now have each other to account to and the large sum of money we have spent to motivate us, as well as the trainers to kick our butts the concern and love of family to get us through the rough patches.

Tomorrow, we weight in. We'll learn weight, take measurements and get our body fat analyzed. It's not going to be a fun day because it's not going to be pretty, but we'll never know our own progress until we know exactly how bad we have it now. It's a lot like making your first budget and realizing you've got to make some serious changes to survive.

Wish us luck...