I have issues. If you have read this blog before, or know me in person, you already realize this. So let's move on to the issue of the day.
Melissa called this evening. Melissa is Dan's ex-wife and the mother of our daughter, Ash. I never got around to turning my ringer on today, I guess, because I didn't hear the call come in. She never calls. Like, once a year? Maybe? There are definitely issues in communication, among other things. Dan doesn't want to talk to her, so she and I usually do the talking and play nice for Ash's benefit.
Anyway, her message was the sixteenth message in my voice mail. Ugh! So, I deleted a handful of messages, hung up and called back. (This was so I could see how much progress I had made before I call back in to my voice mail. . . I know, issues.) Message sixteen was short and to the point. Melissa wants Dan to call her back so they can talk one on one.
What does this mean? What's going on? Did I do something to make her mad again? Is she upset because I asked Ash when she's going to come see us next? Is she going to try to keep Ash away from us MORE? Do we need to call a lawyer?
I am good at a few things and I am QUEEN of the worst case scenario game. I have no idea what's really going on, but I can't even think of a reason that might not be bad. I know I cannot be the only person who does this. It sucks. I've had a really good day with the kids, done some productive things, got a nap, scheduled some appointments, ate a yummy steak salad for supper, hung with the kids and Willie. Very good day.
My chest hurts now and I'm on the edge of tears. This is just dumb!
I'm on happy pills and have been working really hard to not get caught up in following any slightly negative path to it's worst imaginable outcome. I have made great strides is almost every area of my life. Why can't I deal with this any better? Even as I'm writing this, it is not helping me to cope like I thought it would. I'm trying not to slide down the slippery slope into a full blown panic/crying attack.
What I do know is that this relationship has never been easy and it probably never will be. I also know that our relationship with Ash has been suffering and I don't know what we can do. I know that we've seen her four times in the past year and this is the third summer she's not staying with us, as outlined in the parenting agreement. I'm not even sure what can make this situation worse and I keep reminding myself that I don't even KNOW that this is a bad thing. Melissa didn't sound mad when she called, but she NEVER calls to talk to Dan, specifically.
I have been praying about this situation for months. I have a great new friend who understands, offered to car pool to western Kansas if we can coordinate visits and gave me the info for a lawyer who I can talk to for cheap. These things should all make me feel more secure than I have in the past, but my neurosis is winning. . . .
I hoped to come to some calming, rational conclusion. Something that would logically show me that I can relax at least long enough to let Dan talk to Melissa before I worry. Something I could share to encourage other folks who know, all too well, exactly how this feels.
I will now begin with my distraction therapy (tv, games, cheesy romance novel) in order to avoid following this line of reasoning to the point that I convince myself that we'll never see Ash again.
I know the problem here is with me, not Melissa. I know that we'll find out whatever is going on and deal with it and get through it. I know that I love Ash to infinity and beyond.
My encouragement for the day--You are not alone. I'm here. I understand.
