Day 190: Persecution

"This is not Preachbook, so please save the prayers, blessings, and sermons for sunday morning church. Respect my beliefs as I respect yours. Thank you."  This is a partial post by a facebook friend on his wall the other day.  


I replied that any part of my life will be a part of my posts and that he is free to hide me if this bothers him.  


He replied, "Ericka, I wouldn't presume to tell you, or even ask you to refrain from your beliefs, I am simply saying that church is a more appropriate place, because your congregation shares your beliefs. By posting your beliefs on Facebook, you are essentially forcing all those on your friends list to either listen to you preach, or hide your posts completely."  


His response went on a bit and he added another additional comment to top things off.  At this point, I simply exited the conversation.  I could not see that my continued participation would make a difference and I didn't want to end up in some sort of silly comment war.  


I had basically forgotten this conversation when another friend posted about his day.  He had been talking to a co-worker about their weekends.  As it was Easter and they are both Christians, they discussed church as part of their conversation.  He was later informed that he was not allowed to discuss his religious beliefs at work.  His post started a huge conversation about religious freedom and freedom of speech as well as "force feeding" religion to people who don't want it.


What a sad, sad state of affairs.  So many secular folks have been misled by zealots and fanatics.  When the most obvious Christians are the ones leading the Crusades and the witch hunts, it's no wonder that many people are leery.  They expect to be judged and condemned for being who they are or believing what they believe, or even not believing in what they don't believe.  They think that hatred and elitism equals faith.  


True faith cannot be shown solely by our deeds or our words.  True faith shines through us.  A person with faith can always find the bright side.  He's the person you can always count on for a smile on a rough day.  She's the one ready with the hug whenever you need it.  He's the eternal optimist, knowing that hope springs eternal.  I talk about God as I would talk about my family.  When I talk about my church, I am talking about my friends.  My faith is not what I do or what I say.  It's who I am.  


"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."  Matthew 5:10


Prayer for the persecuted

Day 186: Letter to a friend

Disclaimer:  I am not suicidal.  I have been.  Thanks only to God, I am not.  This is a letter that I wrote for a dear friend who is dealing with some mighty struggles.  In the act of obedience to God, I am sharing my scary story that someone reading it may be helped.  Or maybe you know someone who can understand this in a way that you have been blessed to never know.

Friend, I love you.  I pray for you every day. 

I understand how you feel.

I have scars from testing razors and knives to see which would hurt less and which would hurt more. 

I have debated whether I should drive into a wall, off a bridge or into oncoming traffic. 

I have planned out how to kill myself and not tried because I was so afraid that I would fuck that up too and end up brain damaged or a vegetable.

I have been so far beyond that point of caring that trying to kill myself was too much work.

I thought this was normal.  I thought everyone felt that way.  Please know that this is not true.  Most people never contemplate suicide and don’t understand how you could do that.  They may seem judgmental or insensitive.  They are just blessed enough that they have never had to feel that pain.  They still love you and are trying to help in the best way they know how.

No matter what they say, you KNOW the truth.  Suicide is selfish.  You can try to justify it five ways from Sunday and it will still boil down to being selfish.  There is no person who you have touched who would be better off dealing with the trauma and pain of your death than they are to have you in their lives.  No matter how pissed off or frustrated your husband is, there is no way he’s better off with insurance money than a wife.  I could never replace you as my friend.  I love you like a sister, and having three of them, I know how it’s done!  I have been there for you in every way that I know how.  I will continue to do so.  There is nothing that you can say or do that will change the fact that I love you.  My heart aches to see your pain. 

I don’t know everything that you have gone through to try to make things work, but I have some ideas.  None of them make you less of a person of worth.  My life is not exactly roses and buttercups right now either.  There was a time in my life that I would have pooled my resources so we could get what we needed and work together to make sure we could pull it off.  I am not there now.  My life is not easier on the outside, but on the inside, I am changing.  I am coping and growing and sometimes it still hurts like hell.  I still have days when I can’t believe that I am such a worthless mother, even though on most days anymore, I know that this is not true. 

You are so tangled up in your pain, both physical and emotional, that it is strangling you.  You are so deep in this pit that you can’t see a way out.  You can’t see that there will ever be a light or that things will ever be better.  Part of you knows that this is all a lie and that there is hope, but right now that is not the part of you that is coming to the fore front. 

Please wait.  If you think of suicide, wait. Wait until the morning and see how you feel.  If you are still thinking of killing yourself, wait.  Wait until after lunch.  Call me and we’ll share a can of spaghetti-o’s.  Then, if you’re still thinking I don’t need you as a friend, wait.  Wait for supper.  Have your ramen and hot dogs when some people didn’t eat at all.  If you still think your husband would be better off if you died, wait.  Wait for morning.  Get some sleep and look at things fresh in the morning.  If you still think that your daughter doesn't need you as her mom, wait.  Keep waiting.  Some days it will be hell.  Some days it will be better. 

Wait for me.  Call me or come over.  Wait for your husband.  He listens when you really open up to him.  Wait for your daughter.  Don’t show her that suicide is an answer.  Wait for your mom.  She needs you at her side in her struggles.  Wait for you.  You are beautiful and strong.  You hurt in ways that most people will never have to know.  But you are not what has been done to you.  You are not what you have had to do to survive.  You are the person that you strive to be.  You are those aspirations.  Keep waiting.  Please.

Day 183: Exhausted

Today is not about the big things, it’s about every little thing.  The kids have been bickering all day.  I spilled pizza cheese on the bottom of the oven and set of the smoke alarm.  Twice.  I’m typing this in Word so I can copy and paste it later because our internet won’t stay up more than two to three minutes at a time.  I just finished reading the book I was going to use for my growth group and one of the core ideas at the end is one I don’t think I can agree with.  I agreed to help Frank with his paper but I couldn’t do anything today because I couldn’t do any searches and find any info. 

One of my good friends from high school died from cancer this morning.  Her baby boy is about Livi’s age.  This is not a little thing, but because this has been on my mind, all of the little stuff has exploded.

 

I wanted to help Frank, to feel like I could help a friend today, but I can’t go online to find any info for him.  We have been fighting with our internet for over a month.  We had more consistent internet when we were homeless.

I’m frustrated with the kids, but I’m also frustrated with me because I feel like I am not appreciating them.  Maylene was a year older than me and so full of life . . .  We know better than to take things for granted. 

And at the end of my book, the author says that we need not be anxious because God controls everything.  We are in bad situations because God needs us to be there to learn what we need to know.  This suggests to me that God DOES make bad things happen to good people.  And then why are we worried about Satan if God is making all of the moves?  And why are we trying to be good if everything is predetermined.  That’s a line of reasoning that I don’t even want to believe in.  I’ll have to re-read the last couple of chapters to see if this is something I misunderstood or can reconcile with.  And Shay suggested another book to help with the questions that this has raised for me.  I already ordered that one from the library.  We'll see where this road takes us. 

Day 181: Don't Worry, Be Happy!

"In every life we're gonna have some trouble,
When we worry we make it double.
Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy now."
-  Bobby McFerrin

This is so true.  And so simple.  Yet so hard to do.

I keep running into this theme this week and especially this morning.  If God were any less subtle that He wants me to think and write on this topic today, I think it would be stamped on my forehead.  Backwards, of course, so I could read it in the mirror.  :)

When I think of stress and I think of all the people I know, I can't think that there is even one who doesn't deal with a lot, coming from many different fronts.  Almost all of those people worry.  I never used to believe it when I saw a person who seemed not to worry.  I figured that they were A. Hiding it well or B.  They have no idea what's going on or C.  They broke into their stash of medicinal marijuana.

I have found that lately, I have been able to stop worrying.  Not entirely, I am not THAT good.  Yet!  But there are certainly some things that I have been able to pray about and turn over to God.  And not forget, but not stress over either.

My sister, Jesi, is one of those things.  It's been over two months now since anyone in my family has heard from her.  No text, no facebook updates, no email, no phone calls, not even snail mail.  We have tried text, facebook, email, phone calls and yes, I actually sent some snail mail.  We just get nothing.  The man she moved to Florida with, the man who sired her children, has abused her in the past.  She has only told me of the physical aspects once, but I can't believe there has not been more.  She has told me that things are getting better, but we all know there is a reason it's called the "cycle of abuse."  And nobody's hopping on the back of a Harley here, are we?  It doesn't move forward, it keeps coming back.  This has been so heavy on my heart for a while now.  I have thought of her, I have prayed for her and I have worried.  The most frustrating part is that there is nothing I can DO.  I can't go down to Florida, hope she's still where she used to be and drag her back to Kansas.  I can't show her a magical mirror that will break through the brain washing, the denial and the self recriminations to show her the true picture of both the situation and of herself.  I can't hug her or her adorable babies.  I can't even tell her that I love her, that she is beautiful and that I miss her.  That we ALL miss her.

My personal path is not taking me where I thought it would.  I thought this blog was going to be all about the physical challenges of PCOS and my emotional struggles.  I never dreamed that it would become a spiritual journey or that God could lift my depression.  I have come to realize that there is one thing that I can do for Jesi that I have not yet done.  I can turn my worries for her over to God.  Sure, I prayed.  But I had not trusted God to take care of Jesi.  And duh!  Doesn't He love her as much as I do--and then some?? Does He really need my reminder to keep an eye on her?  Hmmm . . . maybe not so much, huh?  Once I realized that God is already taking care of her, my prayer changed.

I still love her and think of her every day, but I don't worry about her anymore.  I know that whatever she is dealing with right now, He will carry her.  I hope He carries her to where I want her to be, but I know that His plan for her is far better than whatever I had in mind.  So I will trust Him.  Some days are easier than others, but every time I read my prayer for Jesi, it eases my heart.  I know that she is not alone, even if she believes it to be true.  I know that I have done the best thing I can do for her.

My Prayer for Jesi

Day 179: No pity party for me!

I had such a great start to today!  I was tired, but I brushed out my hair and left it down.  I fixed myself breakfast and got Payton off to school.  I went walking with Edye, which is ALWAYS a wonderful jump-start for my day!  Then I went to the chiropractor and got great news.  Not only am I moving better than I have been in over a month and with a much lower level of pain, but next week I will be down to two visits a week instead of three!  I headed to the clinic for my wellness visit.  It was kind of a downer as all Heather could tell me that she had learned nutritionally about PCOS was that I need to eat healthy and exercise, but it might not affect my weight or body shape.  She swears it is still helpful on the inside, but the benefits may never be visible.  Luckily for me, I am too stubborn to accept that for an answer.  I can't help thinking that God wants me to figure some of this stuff out so I can help other people.

Next, Dan and I had a meeting at Livi's preschool and we are going to start her in speech therapy on Monday.  There is no cost since it's through the USD.  Then, since we are AWESOME and planned ahead, we had a picnic lunch at the park that Dan had prepared.  Livi played a while and then we dropped her off at school.  I was able to loan twenty bucks to a friend who was in a bind because we have been more careful than usual with our finances.

We went back home and Dan took a nap since he had gotten up early for the meeting and I started working on my prayer journal blog.  Then I got Dan to work, picked up Payton, picked up Livi and finally got home to take a break and have a PB&J on wheat.

After all of this busy and wonderful progress, my tooth started hurting.  I'm not talking a little ache, I'm talking sick to my stomach and wondering how I am gonna eat any supper.  And my sugar started bottoming out.  So I took a couple of excedrin with some applejuice as I started fixing a supper that was quick, easy and painless to eat.  In the midst of all this, I found an invitation to a pity party.  I had already turned down a much more appealing invitation to the adult swim party on Mass tonight.  If I call in sick to one party, I decided I better call in sick to this one too.

Most people, I hope, will never understand what an amazing thing that was for me.  In the past, I never saw that invitation until I was already feeling the emotional hangover.  As Edye would say, Go God!!  :)

Prayer for today

Day 174: Who knew God reads facebook?

This week had its rough points and Friday was no exception.  Overall it was a much better day than I had expected.  Thank you, Lord!  By the end of the day, I was worn out and thinking out loud on facebook:

The good news: we are home and the kids are tucked into bed.
The bad news: it is hard to try to be loving to someone who makes your momma cry.

Honestly, my momma was up half the night in tears about the current situation with Dan's ex wife, Melissa.  Melissa is using Ash's asthma as an excuse to say that Ash can't ride with Momma and Daddy because Daddy smokes.  I would be more understanding of this if Ash had ever had a problem riding with them and Daddy hadn't already said he wouldn't smoke in the car with her.  Momma actually wrote a letter to Ash to say goodbye because she figures Ash won't be able to visit their house anymore either.  I had her keep the letter for now, because we really think it's just about making sure we have to spend eight hours on the road Fridays because Melissa has chosen to do so on Sundays.  Hopefully, I am right and Melissa will not escalate this to the point of ridiculousness.  I wish she could see that this is really not helping Ashlynn.

I have really been trying to appreciate Melissa.  I have been trying to see her as a child of God whom He loves.  I have tried to see her as the woman who is helping to raise our daughter.  I want to see her as an ally. But all I want to do is protect my mom from this pain.  I want to lash out at that person who would do things like this with no regard for who is hurt.  I want to kick her.  Hard!  And if that didn't help, I'd kick her again!  How can I approach a person with a loving and open heart when she made Momma cry?

I have a daily Bible app on my phone.  It doesn't seem to work every day but I had a message this morning.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV

You know, there are times when I struggle to figure out what God is trying to tell me.  Other times, God is not so subtle.