Help?

I don't like to ask for help.  I can't honestly think of anyone I know who does.  And, I wonder, is this ingrained in us as the messed up humans that we are?  Or do we teach it to our kids WAY too early?

Payton is thirteen.  He will struggle and fuss with a problem until he's ready to scream and almost in tears.  Then he'll slam things around and stomp and cuss until he gets into trouble for his behavior.  This reaction to frustration may very well have been learned . . . but we'll blame his dads for that.  ;)  Now, when I tell him to chill out and ask for help if he needs it, he refuses every time.  But, finally, either when his brain is about to go super-nova or he's ready to curl up into a little ball and cry, he'll accept the help I've been trying to give him all along.

I don't get it.  It makes no sense to me at all.  It is completely illogical to turn away from the help that you know you need until you have jacked up your project almost past the point of redemption.  Then we have to backtrack to repair the damage done before we can even move forward and finish the work.  It's a lot more frustrating, it's harder work and it takes a lot longer

Once we are done, I'll say something wise and mom-ish, like, "Wouldn't it have been easier to just ask for help in the first place?"  Usually he'll give me a sheepish grin and admit that, of course, mom was right.  Sometimes he'll give me that ornery grin and say, "Nope.  That would never have worked."

We have this conversation, not to reveal the great wisdom that is Mom, but in the hopes of teaching him a lesson that could make so many things in life easier for him.  I know this.  I'm a pretty smart momma, most days.  So, when will I learn what I am trying to teach my son?

It's easy to see that we don't know all there is to know  We know an athlete needs a coach.  We also know the rules of basketball are far less complicated to figure out than the rules of life.  Doesn't it logically follow that we will need other coaches?  Of course!  We get a doctor to help us stay healthy and teachers to expand our minds.  We find a mechanic to fix our car.  So why are there so many other areas of our lives in which we refuse, not just to ask for help, but to accept help that is freely offered?

For me, at least, there seem to be three big deterrents to asking for or accepting help.

1.  I am ashamed.
2.  I am afraid.

Not only do I have high expectations for myself, which I continually fail to live up to, you have high expectations for me, too -- or at least I think you do.

Our apartment is a perfect example.  We live in a small, two bedroom apartment.  I always say we live in the ghetto, although Lawrence doesn't really have a ghetto.  It's just a part of town with cheap rent and a high rate of domestic disturbance.  When we first moved here, my therapist asked me if I felt safe living here.  I HAD, right up until she asked me that question.  Anyway, as we have both a boy and a couple of girls, Payton has one room and the girls have the other room.  Dan and I have our bed in the living room. I am a little embarrassed about our living situation, but the real reason I am ashamed and afraid is because, as the Fly Lady says, we are living with CHAOS.  Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome.  Most of my friends have never been inside our apartment and the ones who have been were only there because I couldn't think of a polite way to keep them out.

Our place is a mess.  It's an obstacle course to walk through and it is, most likely, a fire hazard.  It is depressing in its disarray.  We can't put everything in its place because there are just not enough places for all of the things.  On a good day, I can do a sink or two of dishes and pick up some trash.  On a bad day, it makes me cry and leaves me feeling so overwhelmed that I curl up in bed, read, play games or do anything else to avoid seeing the mess.  I know that cleaning and organizing will make me feel better, but I just can't make myself face it. This makes me feel guilty for being such a failure to my family.  My kids don't have a problem with this mess and that bothers me, too.  These are all the things that I feel are written on the walls for you to read when you come visit, so I won't invite you over --EVER.

I will never invite you over because you will see what I see.  You will know I am not living up to the standards that I should.  You will know that I am fat and lazy and a terrible mother.  I can barely stand to see that when I look at myself in the mirror.  I could never cope with your judgement and condemnation on top of my own.

Now, I would like to remind you that I DO know this is my perception and not reality.  So far, no one who has come to our place has rolled their eyes, run screaming or refused to speak to me again.  Knowing that these fears are unrealistic does not lessen them.

3.  The final reason that I do not ask for help is that I do not want to be a burden.  Taking the apartment as our example again, it is not an easy fix.  If I asked you to help me clean and organize today, it wouldn't be done and I would still need help tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the next . . . At what point do you turn to me and say, "Clean up your own damn mess!?"  How do I know when I'm about to ask for too much BEFORE I have already asked too much.

Besides that, who doesn't already have their own messes and struggles to deal with?  You work your butt off to keep your house neat and organized, why would you want to help me deal with mine?

If I have this much trouble sharing my messy apartment with friends who I trust, is it really any wonder I struggle on so many other fronts?   But really, where is that balance?  How can I ask for help on these messes of life without feeling like I'm trying to pass off my burdens onto others?  I know there are people who want to help me, but I would never want to make them feel as if I am taking advantage of them.  With this thought in mind, I tend to err on the side of caution and just not ask at all.  Besides, what if I ask for help now, but tomorrow I need help even more?  Then I don't want to ask for MORE help, so I save up my asking until there is no other option.  Does this make any sense, probably not.  Have I clarified anything for myself or anyone else, I doubt it.  Do I feel better for having verbalized this, sorta?  Yeah, I do.  Good enough.  :)