Friend, I love you. I pray for you every day.
I understand how you feel.
I have scars from testing razors and knives to see which would hurt less and which would hurt more.
I have debated whether I should drive into a wall, off a bridge or into oncoming traffic.
I have planned out how to kill myself and not tried because I was so afraid that I would fuck that up too and end up brain damaged or a vegetable.
I have been so far beyond that point of caring that trying to kill myself was too much work.
I thought this was normal. I thought everyone felt that way. Please know that this is not true. Most people never contemplate suicide and don’t understand how you could do that. They may seem judgmental or insensitive. They are just blessed enough that they have never had to feel that pain. They still love you and are trying to help in the best way they know how.
No matter what they say, you KNOW the truth. Suicide is selfish. You can try to justify it five ways from Sunday and it will still boil down to being selfish. There is no person who you have touched who would be better off dealing with the trauma and pain of your death than they are to have you in their lives. No matter how pissed off or frustrated your husband is, there is no way he’s better off with insurance money than a wife. I could never replace you as my friend. I love you like a sister, and having three of them, I know how it’s done! I have been there for you in every way that I know how. I will continue to do so. There is nothing that you can say or do that will change the fact that I love you. My heart aches to see your pain.
I don’t know everything that you have gone through to try to make things work, but I have some ideas. None of them make you less of a person of worth. My life is not exactly roses and buttercups right now either. There was a time in my life that I would have pooled my resources so we could get what we needed and work together to make sure we could pull it off. I am not there now. My life is not easier on the outside, but on the inside, I am changing. I am coping and growing and sometimes it still hurts like hell. I still have days when I can’t believe that I am such a worthless mother, even though on most days anymore, I know that this is not true.
You are so tangled up in your pain, both physical and emotional, that it is strangling you. You are so deep in this pit that you can’t see a way out. You can’t see that there will ever be a light or that things will ever be better. Part of you knows that this is all a lie and that there is hope, but right now that is not the part of you that is coming to the fore front.
Please wait. If you think of suicide, wait. Wait until the morning and see how you feel. If you are still thinking of killing yourself, wait. Wait until after lunch. Call me and we’ll share a can of spaghetti-o’s. Then, if you’re still thinking I don’t need you as a friend, wait. Wait for supper. Have your ramen and hot dogs when some people didn’t eat at all. If you still think your husband would be better off if you died, wait. Wait for morning. Get some sleep and look at things fresh in the morning. If you still think that your daughter doesn't need you as her mom, wait. Keep waiting. Some days it will be hell. Some days it will be better.
Wait for me. Call me or come over. Wait for your husband. He listens when you really open up to him. Wait for your daughter. Don’t show her that suicide is an answer. Wait for your mom. She needs you at her side in her struggles. Wait for you. You are beautiful and strong. You hurt in ways that most people will never have to know. But you are not what has been done to you. You are not what you have had to do to survive. You are the person that you strive to be. You are those aspirations. Keep waiting. Please.
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