Day 270: Disappointment

I sent a follow up email today about the job I applied for.  I received a response that they were overwhelmed by qualified candidates from around the country but after much prayer and deliberation they decided not to hire someone for the position at this time.  They are keeping my resume and application on file for when they re-open the position.  I was really excited about the possibility so it seems almost worse than a rejection that they chose not to hire right now.  Either way, it seems that it’s not where I need to be right now even though I was really hoping for it.   I know God must have another path for me, but I cried a little.

Our Sunshine called us today.  She’s in a pageant in Wichita.  She’s very excited.  She wanted to know if we were going to be there Sunday for the show.  Tickets are $15 each.  We don’t have a car.  We don’t have the gas money to get down there if we had a car to borrow and we don’t have the money to rent a car, even if we didn’t still owe Enterprise almost three hundred fifty dollars for the extension of our rental when we went to pick Ash up for the summer but didn’t get to bring her home.  This is the first time I had gotten to even talk to Ash on the phone for over a month and all I can do is disappoint her.  When I passed the phone off to Payton, I cried a little more.

We went to McDonald’s for supper.  This is our first dinner out together in a couple of weeks now.  We had dollar menu burgers, fries and drinks and then we splurged a bit on the ice cream.  Dan had a frozen strawberry lemonade, Payton had a small chocolate shake and Livi had a small vanilla shake.  I ordered a snack sized Rollo McFlurry, but the ice cream was too soft.  I tried not to cry again.  Fail.

On our way out the door to get the free Redbox we had a coupon for, people were getting McFlurries.  Dan went back in and got me some ice cream while I checked out our movie.  I ate my melting ice cream on the way across the parking lot to Target and tried not to drip all over my new shirt.  I finished eating my Rollo/vanilla soup as we hunted for fans.  We don’t shop at Target much, so of course we checked in all the wrong places first.  We finally found a fan.  We used our Visa gift card that our good Samaritan gave us to get an oscillating floor fan that’s tall enough to blow the cool air from the wall unit AC over the back of the couch into the rest of the apartment.  We sat down to wait on a bench in the shade for 20 minutes until the last bus of the night would show up across the parking lot.  That’s when Regan and Dan drove by.  It’s there anniversary and they had left kids with grandparents, had a nice dinner out and were heading home.  Regan dropped her Dan off at home and then came back to take us home. 

My Dan turned on the PlayStation as soon as he walked in the door and Livi helped me put the fan together.   Dan and Payton can’t play online because our internet has been so slow all day that I couldn’t even check our electric bill online.

Dan and I are wearing new clothes.  My kitchen is finally cooler than the day outside.  I have two beautiful, healthy kids here with me, and I finally got to talk to my other beautiful, healthy daughter.  I’m going to have a movie night with three of my favorite people.  We have a comfy couch to snuggle up on and Dan and I have a bed to sleep in.  My days are filled with texts, facebook messages and phone calls from all of the people who love me.  It’s not a special occasion.  It’s just because they love me.  I know I am blessed.  It’s so easy to see.  But it’s still so easy to see all of the challenges and difficulties in my path. 

I don’t know how we’re going to pay all the bills.

I don’t know when we will see Ashlynn again.

I don’t know what kind of job God has in store for me.

I don’t know why today was so hard for me.

I DO KNOW . . . God loves me and has a plan for me.

I DO KNOW . . . I am blessed with amazing friends and family.

I DO KNOW . . . I have been entrusted with an awesome responsibility of wonderful children.

I DO KNOW . . . that I am not alone.

I DO KNOW . . . God will take care of us.

I DO KNOW . . . God’s got each of those tears that I cried today and they will be returned as blessings.

I DO KNOW . . . it is good to be loved.

Time to relax, enjoy an evening with my family, get some sleep, and start fresh tomorrow.  


Click here to read my prayer for today.