When Kelly transitioned to the leader of the prayer team, she asked if I would join the team in prayer before first service on Sunday. I had somehow missed that prayer team did this. I was a little unsure of myself. I don't do so well praying out loud. Alone, I feel like a loony who is talking to myself and in a group, I don't know what to say. In spite of this, I told Kelly that I would be there.
In the meeting for first service, I was a little lost. Ami and Tiff both prayed so beautifully and eloquently. They touched on all of the concerns that we had discussed and I didn’t know what else there was to say. As I stood there, I was thinking, what’s left? If I pray about the things on my mind would that just be selfish? How do I start? Why does this seem so easy for everyone else and I am just lost? Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm just taking up space and I'm not really helping. At least I know that nobody is thinking poorly of me because I don't know what to say--and what a change is that??--but I wanted to help. I wanted to contribute. What should I say? Do I just repeat the same stuff they've already talked about? Then I saw Ami touch Kelly’s arm and Kelly closed our prayer as elegantly as Ami and Tiff had started it. I was disappointed that I had not been an asset to the group and was already debating whether or not to return later. I knew that I had let the group down.
Then Kelly surprised me. Kelly is in my Wednesday growth group where I have mentioned that I don't pray out loud. I use my writing to sort out my thoughts and it works well for me to focus my prayers. I try to keep my mind open to anything that God is wanting me to take note of and it has really begun to help me on a personal level. Kelly asked Ami and Tiff if it would be all right for me to read a prayer from my journal. They seemed to think it was a good idea and I picked up my journal.
Normally, I do not take my prayer journal anywhere with me. Or, I had not yet. I don't know why I brought it Sunday, but I was on my way out the door when I turned back to get it. I guess prayer group and prayer journal are just supposed to go together? Now that they were open to this and there was a way that I could contribute, I didn't want to mess it up. What should I read? I hadn't prepared anything, of course, and I didn't have anything concerning the issues we had already prayed about this morning.
This morning I woke up before the alarm. I hadn't been sure I was going to the meeting even though I had committed to it. I was afraid I would fail, and so far I was right. But, I had taken the time to review my week with God in prayer before I headed to church. I was just writing for me and for God. The idea of sharing that prayer was about as scary as standing naked in front of a three way mirror like they have in those dressing rooms that I don't go into. Except with an audience. But I knew these ladies. I knew they were not going to use anything that I said to hurt me. I felt that God had used Kelly to let me contribute and this was the best I had to offer.
When I read that prayer, something opened in my heart. It was like I finally took down that last barrier. I finally let God love me for who I was, and I shared what God loves with others that He loves. It was like I had just poured out my soul and it got filled right back up! And then I realized that the other ladies had been touched by what I had to say as well. I expected a little reinforcement to encourage me to come back, but what I received was heartfelt thanks for sharing. Talk about unexpected!
During first service, I went home, like I usually do, to get the family up and ready to attend second service. I wrote a new prayer for the things we had discussed earlier so that I would be ready this time. I wasn't sure if I should share the original prayer again, or just the one that seemed more relevant to everyone else. In our second meeting, there were eight people. We divided into two groups of four so that we could share more thoughts with God and accomplish more. I was with Kelly again, as well as Sue and Tish, who are also in my Wednesday group. Kelly started as beautifully as before. Sue went next with elegance and eloquence that I can never hope to accomplish on the fly. Sue asked God to help us all to be open to sharing our own stories and experiences in order to share His glory. I took that as my sign to read both prayers. Tish followed up with the grace and poise that is Tish, and then I finished up with both of my prayers. As I saw the responses from Tish and Sue, on top of my earlier feedback, I began to think that maybe God was showing me the direction that He wants me to go.
I feel like I can see again. I have been struggling with debilitating depression for years. In those few minutes of love and support I was able to see past the fog I have been living in to see the light of God’s love in a way that was truly tangible to me. I took my Monday at a run. I was not overwhelmed by my full schedule, but tackled it with ease. As I thanked the people around me for the beauty they brought to my life, I was rewarded with even more as they shared their appreciation. I feel like I am shining. It is a miracle for me of proportions that I cannot even explain.
I know that there will be days that I will be challenged. I know that there are days that I will fall. I know that no matter what, God will be there to hold my hand, and that He has shared His angels with me on this earth. Through God’s spirit and the people He has chosen to use, I am renewed.
Thank you, God for your grace and immeasurable patience. Thank you, Kelly, Tiff, Ami, Tish and Sue, for being the stars God used to brighten my sky.
My prayer for me
My prayer for Eastlake
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