A Beautiful Night (Letting Go Part 2)

This was written in the fall of 2007.  I just found it on an old online journal today.  I was struggling to cope with the idea of losing Ash when she moved to live with her biological mom.  Now, four years later, I'm struggling with many of the same feelings all over again as Melissa is keeping us from our visits. 


Well, it has been an interesting week now. Our internet has been more down than up, so I haven't written as soon as I needed to. Now instead of having two or three articles, it's all pretty much run into one. Hopefully that won't make things too confusing for anyone but me. :)

If you haven't read about our gut-wrenching, heart-breaking decision in Our Little Girl, then this may not seem very relavent to you. I can't really take myself through that experience again at this point, so if you need more background, you'll have to read the article. The short version is that Dan and I have decided to let go of our nine year old daughter so she can live with her biological mother.

Last week, on Tuesday, we broke the news to Payton and Ashlynn. We could have told them a few days earlier, but we wanted to wait until after Payton's birthday weekend was over so we wouldn't spoil his fun and he wouldn't begin to associate his birthday to a negative experience.

So, we rented Guitar Hero III and took the kids out for a pizza buffet for supper. We were trying to make it a fun family night. The only problem was that I had to go close out a show so we didn't want to break the news until after that. Unfortunately, I had talked to the teachers earlier that day to prepare them in advance and my son overheard Ash's teacher telling me she was so sorry. So he wanted to know what the bad news was and I let him know I would tell him later. All in all, the kids, of course, are aware of more than we expect and it was not exactly the fun relaxing evening we were hoping for. After I got back from closing my show, I scooped some ice cream for each of us and we sat down to talk.

In situations like this, I usually do the talking to start with and Dan helps me out when I get stuck. We had already talked about this a lot so he and I were on the same page. I knew this would be hard, I just didn't know how hard.

I explained to the kids that Dan and I had made a really hard decision. I reminded them, as if they needed it, that we were supposed to be going to court soon to fight for custody of Ashlynn. I explained how this was putting a lot of pressure on us as a family and we felt like Ashlynn was being hurt. I told them that it's like we have a hold of Ashlynn's hand and Melissa has a hold of the other one. Then we are all pulling and playing tug of war, and it's hurting Ashlynn. It's not hurting her physically like we are pulling on her, but it's hurting her heart. We explained that we have worked hard to build a stable home for our kids where they can feel safe and like they are where they should be. And we explained how it's hard for Ashlynn to feel like she is where she should be when Melissa is pulling her that way all of the time. And we discussed how much Ashlynn has wanted time and attention from Melissa for the last five years, but now Melissa is finally giving it to her. I asked Payton if he had not had attention from his Daddy like he does, if he thought he would want to move if his Daddy started paying attention to him too. He thought that he might. I almost didn't tell Payton that Ashlynn wants to go live with Melissa, but then I felt that would leave her with a secret that would still make things hard, so I threw that out in the open too. We explained that we don't want to fight and hurt Ashlynn anymore, but Melissa is going to keep dragging us back to court. We let the kids know that if we win this time, we'll have to go back to court again and again and again until we finally lose, because that is how Kansas works. And then I broke the news that Dan and I had decided to let Ashlynn go live with her mom.

I knew it was going to be hard. I thought I was prepared for it. Ashlynn didn't really react right away. I don't think the impact really hit her. She wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad. I thought Payton would be shocked and then I would see the realization dawn on him and he would gradually start to cry. But that's not what happened at all. There was no shock. It was like he had already figured it out and was just waiting for me to confirm his worst fears. There was no hesitation at all before his little 62 pound body started shaking with sobs. I reached out to him from the other end of the couch and he couldn't even move towards me. He looked so lost, and so little, and so all alone. He finally leaned towards me a little and I scooped him into my arms and held him. I kissed his head and petted his hair and cried with him. I didn't really know what to say so I just started talking quietly and softly to try to help him. Ashlynn started to cry at this point too. Not the body racking sobs that Payton was still experiencing, but tears were pouring down her cheeks. Dan snuggled her up very much like I had Payton.

I talked to Payton until he started to respond to me again. I asked if he understood why we had made the decision we made. He nodded his head. But I was not reassured enough by the back of his head so I asked him to look at me. His eyes were so red and he looked so devastated. It was a lot easier to talk to the back of his head but I had to make sure he was going to be ok. I asked him if he thought we did the right thing. He said we had to do it for Ashlynn. But then he said he hated Melissa and that she was a bad person. I told him that he can't hate her. He asked me why not. I explained that this will hurt Ashlynn because Melissa is her mom and Ash loves her. I also let him know how that would hurt him too. I told him that Melissa is not a bad person. She is just doing what she thinks is the right thing to do. I had already told myself that a hundred times, but I guess I wasn't really ready to believe it until I told Payton.

Dan and Ash didn't really say much through this, they mostly just watched Payton and I. Ash said, "I didn't know you loved me that much, Payton." And he said, "I didn't either." It was such a painful process and it's really just started. But it was such a beautiful moment, watching them truly realize and appreciate what they meant to each other. They are too young. I wish we did not have to put them through this, but I know they are both coming out stronger and better for it. We started talking about how we will have all the long weekends now, and spring break every year and that Ash will be here all summer. Soon we were all laughing and having fun again. It seemed as if it had lasted hours but Payton handed me my ice cream and told me I needed to eat it before it melted. It was one of those bizarre time pockets that catch you, I guess.

Then Ash took her turn at Guitar Hero while I cuddled Payton. Then when it was Dan and my turn to play, Ash and Payton cuddled up and giggled like they were at a slumber party. The stress of the unknown was gone. The weight of how to tell the kids and the worry of how they were going to take it had been lifted. The rest of the night felt like a vacation. We tucked the kids in that night with hugs and kisses and smiles. Dan and I wrapped up in each other, knowing that we were doing the right thing, and finally starting to feel that way too.