I started out the day making phone calls and working on the budget. I got a running start on the day and felt good about it. Then at 10, I headed off to help other moms get things together for the 6th grade Halloween party. There were four of us working together. I felt comfortable and useful and that I was a part of the group. I had a little time one on one with each of the other three moms and I really enjoyed it. We made mummy dogs, prepped pumpkins for decorating, and had chili for lunch. On my way home, I took a different route than usual and ended up wasting 15 minutes due to a traffic light that was not working. By the time I finally picked up Dan, Ash and Livi and got my devilled egg costume together, the parade was already starting. When we got to the school, it was over. When we all talked about going home and then meeting at the school, I didn't think about the fact that everyone else was within 5 minutes of where we were AND the school. I guess it's something to keep in mind next time.
At the party, Ash was very clingy. One of the girls she used to be friends with wanted a picture with her and a boy who used to like her said, "Don't tell me you don't know who I am! PLEASE tell me you remember me! Please, please, pleeeease!" She didn't. She's got her daddy' memory for names, poor kid. Even though several kids were excited to see her, Ash was afraid to leave either Dan or I. She seemed excited about the idea of seeing her old friends but once we got there, she was petrified. I wish I knew how to help her with that, but I'm not even sure why she feels that way.
I was pretty tired after the party and I tried to take a quick nap. It failed miserably. I took Dan to his Friday Night Magic and then hit the ATM to get cash. On the way, I asked the kids where they wanted to eat dinner. Payton wanted to eat tacos and the girls wanted chinese. I asked Payton if he would be ok with King Buffet since we were having Chipotle on Sunday for $2 burritos. He said he still wanted to eat tacos.
We have been through this same conversation a million times it seems. He refused to compromise. I get frustrated because I want to do something nice and take the kids out to eat and I feel like Payton doesn't appreciate it. I finally stopped in the parking lot. Usually, this fight makes me cry and then I'm so depressed that I just want to go home and go to bed. Tonight, it was different because I was mad. I was furious. I was irrationally, ridiculously mad. I was screaming and Payton was screaming and we were both crying and poor Ash and Livi were stuck there in the car with us. I don't even understand this reaction. Even as we were in the middle of it, I knew it was outrageous but I couldn't stop. I was so out of control. What a horrible thing to expose my kids to. If I had seen another mom treat her kids like that, I wouldn't let my kids play at their house, you know? I was that mom. I don't even know why we finally stopped. We headed out for chinese and then Dan called because I forgot he didn't have cash when I took the cash out so I had to go to the game store so he could pay for his game. Then the kids and I had dinner. I guess it costs more on the weekends so it was more than I thought. Maybe I was really upset because we shouldn't have even spent the money on eating out. It was a dumb thing to do. We actually enjoyed a nice dinner and then we went to church together. We were all huggy and snuggly and it was a beautiful family time. Looking back from a calmer perspective, it is crushing. Was this any different than when Angie's ex was super nice to her to make up for the abuse? I wasn't trying to manipulate anything because I wasn't even in control of myself. But in the end, all that really matters is the reality of what I just put my kids through. I don't want to be like this. I try so hard and yet I can't be a better mom than that?
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